Dedicated to everyone who wonders if I'm writing about them. I do.

Sunday, 10 September 2017


To be honest, I had a lot of ample time. I could write if I want to but someway somehow I abstain myself from writing because I don't want myself to write about sad things. I always love writing because I can always write what is in my head, but for after what happened recently, I refused to write what I have in my mind because its so destructive. I know that I should be genuine and I can't have a perfectly happy life all the time but I just hate  the fact that I 'm weak because of what that.

I do want to write whatever I have in my mind, how sad I was, how hard everything was and how much I struggle until I finally found some courage to be myself again but the papers remain empty, the post remain as white as it is. I keep telling myself  'we have move on right. Today is a good day, another opportunity for you to shine' but at the end of the day, I'll sit in the corner of my room wondering whether everything is going to be fine. At one point of my life, I really hate myself because I keep thinking of memories I shouldn't, I keep thinking of people I shouldn't care about.

Someone told me he find himself another girl (either he find himself a new girl or he's always been with the girl all these time but I never know about it) It was pretty shocking, actually I was so shocked. There's no way to explain how mind blowing it was. I was pretty mad with myself because I think I was being stupid. I suffered for nothing. Some of my friends did asked me about the chances of getting back together if he ever ask for, and I totally said no. Never. I always give people a second chance in mostly everything but for this time, I firmly said no. I'd been true to our relationship and ended up behind the bars of betrayal.  I think it was toxic and I will never waste my effort and time for this kind of guy.

Sometimes, I do miss the memories. We have our favourite songs that we used to listen in the car together. After that thing happened, I can't bring myself to listen to the songs at all. I'll turn my radio off, or change the channel.  I'll avoid everything related to the shit, but these days I realize the more I avoid, the harder it gets. One day, I pick up my courage and stick to the song until the end. It was hard and torturing but I felt better. So what? This song had always been my favourite since years ago, way before I met him. It's not my fault this happened and I should stop myself from avoiding stuffs, instead I should embrace it and accept the fact that some people are just too shitty to be in my life. When I was with him, I had always been true of what I like and dislike. I like to keep it real, but then I wonder was he lying all these while? Everything he said was all lies right? 

Everyday I pray to God to make things easier for me. I guess I'm getting better. I won't promised you that this is my last entry of me being heart broken ( I hate this word, or to call myself heart broken) or sad but all I can say is I'm trying to find all my pieces back. I want to be the old Liyana. I used to be quite positive with everything including people. Now, I'm a bit judging I would say. It's hard for me to open up to new people in case they will left me too. I always give my all so when people leave, it's hard for me to bear everything. I used to be this one girl who will look at the mirror everyday and tell myself "awww you look so pretty today", I am that one girl who puji diri sendiri all the time because I know no one will ever did that to me. These days hmmm I dress so minimal, with less makeup (compared to how I used to do my make up). Its not that I have no one to impress, I never do things to impress people anyway. Its just that I feel demotivated sometimes, but it's okay I'm getting better. Life is quite good so far. I started my chambering (working) and everything is so new and so challenging but I like challenges anyway so I always look up to another day of work. I'll write in detail about my chambering soon!

So, that's it. Since he find himself a new girl, I wish them happiness. I hope he treats her right this time because honestly, no girl should be treated the way I did. I don't want to wish him bad things or karma or whatever because that's so cheap. I'm not jealous with their relationship because honestly, he's just the wrong guy for me. I deserve someone way better than him, someone who compliments me. To all the girls, who had been through the same situation as I did, my advice would be to know your value. If a guy tell you he can't be with you, or refused to be with you anymore. Pack your things and leave. Do not beg because if you are important in his life, he won't be doing that at the first place. You'll be sad, you'll get lonely but that is way better than with the wrong guy. Trust me. 

"Because while you're left with these painful memories, you remember that what he doesn't posses is the power to destroy you".

Thursday, 10 August 2017

Worrying solves nothing

"You are still young. Take it easy".

Sometimes,I forget the fact that I'm still young and its okay not to have everything figured out. Things take time. Honestly, there are so many things going on in my life and as much as I have to juggle everything, I can't stop myself from worrying in case everything that I had planned didn't turn out the way I expected them to be. In short, I overthink. 

In my case, I think there wasn't a single moment in my life where I think I was completely happy. Maybe there is few but I just can't think of one right now. When there's something great happened or I was like laughing, happy and stuffs, there's something inside my heart that keeps telling me to tone it down. Like "Liyana I know you are happy but be careful, you might cry tomorrow darling". Hahaha no I was kidding I never called myself darling, that's so ewww. I usually called myself stupid or crackhead or just 'girl' in general like its okay you got this girl. Sometimes when I did something extremely extremely stupid, I'll be like 'hey crackhead why are you acting like one stupid crazy girl ah? Stop you're embarrassing yourself'.

Still, what I'm trying to say is yeah I am that one girl who's afraid to let herself go, to let everything out just in case something unexpected or bad is going to happen. I used to be the one who gives everything for something or for people but then I discovered that once things messed up, or once people leave, it hurts me so freaking bad. So starting from that moment, I promised to be careful, not to set my expectation high, not to give my everything since we can't predict the future right? People change and leave, things are destroyed, memories fade and I'm not careful I might be left with nothing. I know that I sound so negative but honestly, I'm just being careful. We have to be prepared for "just in case" moments. 

So back to my story, yes I worry about a lot of stuffs. I'm not going to mention or discuss specifically each and every one of them but I think about them a lot. My 'what if's are killing me.   I won't say sampai tak tidur malam semua because takde lah I've been sleeping well jer haha. I keep telling myself to stop worrying, things are going to be just fine and there's so many opportunities for you in this world. They say the sky is the only limit but actually even the sky is not the limit. You set the limit for yourself, if you're willing to do something you can go extra miles for it. Again girl, stop worrying. Things will work their way out one day, maybe not today but one day they will. Everything is just inside our head. We're going to be just fine, with everything we have right now. Trust me.

Sunday, 6 August 2017


7 days passed by and I'm still good.

I passed over the storms and all the hurdles, now my rainbow is waiting on the other side. I'm going for it. I'm not going to look back anymore. Most importantly, I'd learn a very good lesson based on everything that happened, you can be sad you can question anything but in the end everything is going to be perfectly fine. No storms last forever.

Last Sunday when he texted me that one line, I couldn't believe my eyes. I thought I read it wrong. Oh maybe he wanted to send this to somebody else, I said. I won't say I was at my lowest since the day it happened because I really hate the fact that I sound or look weak for a guy who is obviously unworthy of me but all I can say was hmm my heart felt different. But its okay I'm healing now, I'm happy and I'm doing amazing. I'll be just fine. When I give, I'm all in but when I'm done, there's no looking back for me.

In these 7 days gap, so many things happened. So many good things and blessings granted by God. I'm so thankful. I feel stupid for worrying and feeling sad for something I shouldn't. I always believe that God's plan is always perfect, always beautiful. Guess its true.

By the way, I'm going to start my chambering this 14th August. So early right? I know. Baru jer balik rumah now I have to go back to the city again. I was home last Saturday but since that "incident" happened last week, I didn't feel like holiday at all okay. Now, I'm feeling better I guess I have to ensure that I enjoy this week to the fullest. This is going to be my last week of holiday as a student. After this, I'll be working and I believe its going to be another world all together. I'm both nervous and excited with the idea of me working but hey lets be positive about it. Trust yourself and you'll be fine. I know, you'll do great. 

Hopefully :p

Thursday, 3 August 2017

Crooked people

Today I'm going to talk about hatred. 

I know tomorrow is raya and I should write something cheerful, positive and you know just good things in general but I think for some reasons I need to clarify on this matter. So few weeks ago, I had this sayat account where you know people are allowed to post anonymous comments on your profile. The idea was to say whatever in your mind, what you think about that person and how you perceived him/her. So for me, I think it's a good medium to express your feelings especially if you feel like you can never talk to that person in real life. This is the chance. I did ask some questions to several people who I adore and their answers were pretty helpful. I asked about their skincare routine, study tips and etc.

So on my sayat, there's few hateful comments about me. I mean I don't mind people expressing their thoughts, how they feel about me and stuffs because that is the purpose of such medium at the first place. Don't get me wrong, I do cherish honest and intellectual talks. I'm okay with people criticizing me because I know that I am not perfect so yes do enlighten me if you think there's something wrong with my attitude or the way I carry myself. I'm all good for honest and constructive opinions. However, what bothers me most is those comments/questions that were aimed to attack me. I'm not this little girl who gets emotional reading hateful comments because I know if people point out something, I shall look within. There might be something wrong with me. I try my very best to stay calm and positive but sometimes I just can't. There's few comments that were too ridiculous and shocking. When I read them I was like "my god what's wrong with these people". That's just how absurd the comments/statements posted. Okay,I get it you can say whatever you want but that doesn't mean you can be rude, right?

But recently, I decided to deactivate my account and the main reason why I did so was when I found people start commenting or attacking on my family. At that time, I was like okay I cannot do this anymore. This is too much. You're not even in my shoes and you didn't went through what we did, do you think you're in a position to say anything? But really it's so sad to see how petty humans can be? And the most scary part is those who posted the hateful comments/statements can be the people around me who act like they're angels when the truth is the opposite. It's a super scary world. How can people be so crooked anyway?

I'm not sure why some people hate me. Probably because they think you don't deserve what you have right now. But honestly I don't get the point, everything I have today didn't come easy. In fact, I fight and have to work my butt off to have them. Everything including my friends, my family, the love I get from everyone and even all the material things I have were obtained with perspiration. After everything that happened, I decided to knock it off, I don't care anymore. You can say whatever you want since its your right but I'm going to ignore all the hate comments. In the end, nothing matters except yourself.

"Do not let their words grieve you"- Surah Yunus: Verse 65

(I wrote this months ago, I'm at the point where I decided to publish all the drafts I have kept. So you might find me posting so many posts in one day, and some of them might seem old or quite sensitive. Sorry)

Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Time will heal everything

My darling, he's just a boy.

I keep telling myself  "Girl, never let a confused man waste your time or energy". I repeat this over and over like a tender ritual, hoping that I can wash you away from me. But it's sickening and annoying how you crossed my mind every second every minute of the day.  I hate some part of me right now because everything I did reminds me of you, or the thoughts of you.

Why do I find memories of you at one of my favourite eateries? Why do I find you in all the love songs played in my car? Why do all the books I read remind me of you? Why do I see you in all my favourite singers? Why is that everything I do reminds me of you.

I had thoughts like how amazing we can be, I mean we could be extraordinary.

Stop. I keep telling myself to stop thinking of you, but the attachment is strong. You shouldn't be this important, you were only there for few months and I on the other hand have been in charge of my life for 23 years. You shouldn't matter much, you should be nothing. My friends keep telling me to stop torturing myself by thinking of you and how I shouldn't be doing this. Guys I'm not torturing myself. In fact I didn't plan for this, its not that I intentionally think about the guy who ruins my heart. It just happens.

But friends, trust me. Time will heal everything. One day, I'll look at him and feel absolutely nothing.

Again, girl; he's just a boy and most importantly he's just a memory.

Sunday, 30 July 2017

One funny story

I thought I was having the time of my life these days, I thought I finally get everything covered. I mean I'm finally done with law school, I managed to secure a place for Chambering before I even end my school, I found a bunch of friends who are so supportive and encouraging I couldn't ask for more, I finally accept the fact that my family might be different (due to the separation) but we are happy in our own way and I found a guy who makes me feel like home. Everything turned out pretty well and I was happy.

I was happy. Yup, I was happy until last night. 

Last night was crazy and emotional for me (but I didn't cry trust me)

Last night, I asked him about us because it feels like we're getting distant and I am being ignored. At the same time, these past few days I feel like the only person making efforts to ensure this ship sailing well. My main intention when I asked about it was because I need assertion. I don't want to be this crazy girl who waits for a guy but in the end, the guy left her with nothing. And out of nowhere and suddenly he replied by saying "I can't be with you. I am truly sorry". 

Wow, it was that easy. It took one single sentence to end everything, I'm impressed. He didn't even state his reasons. He kept saying 'thats why I told you earlier , before this that I can only touch but not hold this relationship'.Okay I get it but the thing is you won't even try and you gave up so early. Can't you wait kejap? Stupid me, he just won't wait for you girl. He just won't. Now I wonder, it was all a lie, was it? Every single thing you said was plain bullshit.

When he was so certain with his statement, I found my answer. He's not for me. I can't stay with a guy who won't fight for me, who believe that ending things is the best solution for everything.

I'm not the type of person who give up on someone. I cherish every single person who's in my life. If there's something wrong, or you did something you shouldn't be doing, I will get mad. I will get upset but I just need a minute to cool down. I don't leave people, I'll try to hold everything together. And I think that's why it hurts so bad when people leave me.

It's okay it's okay. I won't beg for love, I won't beg for people to stay. I am at this point of my life where I stop giving a damn about everything. I believe if something is bound to happen, it will happen regardless of how we try to stop them. If people wanted to walk away from my life they can do that whenever they feel like so. I no longer going to waste my time worrying about all those stuffs because genuine people will stay, true love will stay. If people really 'ikhlas' to be your friend or to be in your life, they will do all they can to show that they matter, to make their presence significant. 

Last night felt like a dream. I even dreamed about it last night, woke up this morning hoping that it was a bad dream. I even checked my phone in case he put his sorry in a better way rather than one simple stupid sentence. Of course, none. Dare to dream, girl. Get a grip please.

However, surprisingly I was expecting myself to be extremely sad or break down which I didn't. Both of us talked about this over the phone and I was calm. I was okay. Maybe I  see this coming or maybe I don't want to bother about this anymore. I deserve better.This is just a waste of time and effort. 

The thing about love is they always seems uncertain, always feel like hanging. One day you tell another that you like her but another day you tell the opposite. I don't know why but I always consider myself unlucky when it comes to love. Either I had never 'love' enough or there is just no enough love for me out there. That probably explains why every time I see couples  holding hands, or sitting together, I look away. Its not that I hate seeing lovers but I have this one question nobody can answer yet; Where's mine? 

Don't get me wrong. My life is still as beautiful as it can be. Just because one random dude who decides to back off won't change much. I still have my beloved family and my priceless friends by my side, I'm at ease. I'm not worried. Surely when Allah takes something away from you. He gives you something greater in its place :)

Me today, I'm perfectly fine. I'm okay.