Dedicated to everyone who wonders if I'm writing about them. I do.

Thursday, 8 June 2017

Its almost the end!

I can't believe that I'm going to end my degree in two weeks. I mean technically speaking I only have two weeks left for classes but if I have to include all the cuti raya and exam, everything might be done around July. Honestly, I can't believe that everything will end soon. I won't say that everything feels like yesterday because obviously its not hahaha. I went through a lot, jumped over the river fire and die (literally) few times before this. I cried myself to sleep for I don't know how many times because I failed or scored badly in my tests. I sacrificed my sleeps for the sake of assignments and presentations. Went through various dramas and small fights with my friends. I remember feeling stupid and  useless when I can't understand the lecture when all my friends seem to absorb everything pretty well, except me.  I'm not saying that these are all good or exceptional things that I went through because I'm pretty sure most of us (students) went through the same routine every single day. I just feel like writing the obvious because yes the obvious is the norm, what to do?  

Back in 2013 or 2014 when I was a first year law student graduating feels like a very far journey, like I won't even bother thinking about it since surviving my law papers was my main intention. In fact there are some days where I feel so demotivated with myself and wonder whether am I going to graduate from this? Can I ever graduate actually? But you see, if you trust yourself and put efforts in what you're doing, everything will be fine.

I remember burning the midnight oil for the sake of law of torts and law of contracts, at that moment those two subjects were like the killer papers. Macam like the hardest ever for a first semester student. Then I move forward and you know started my land law and feels like omg this is ridiculous, I can't understand a thing. Then you know, every time you upgrade yourself to another semester, you discover that the subjects keep getting tougher and at one point, I don't even think which one is harder than the other because all the subjects were hard. Like I can't choose, everything was challenging on their own way. Now, I'm in my final year and even my final semester every time I saw the fellow juniors carrying their torts or contracts book, I'll be like 'aww these kids are so lucky. Enjoy your honeymoon before you guys masuk your llb'. 

Of course I do feel sad about living law school. I'd spent the end of my teen until the early of my 20s here, I do feel attached to this. I don't know how I'm going to end up out there, I don't know what kind of lawyer I'm going to be in the future but I hope I'll a good one. Hopefully, I won't be that one alumni yang malukan faculty sendiri because if you're in your final year, that is one of the thing that the lecturers will always advise you on. Never embarrass the faculty. However even though ada lagi two weeks of classes, the workload still so banyak. I still have few tests, assignments, trials and presentations to be completed before raya. So pray for me guys. I feel nervous because the time is super limited but I want to be positive about this. I keep telling myself its okay liyana you can do this. You can bear the stress, handling the stress and pressure is part of your life anyway hahaha. That's what I've been doing the last few years kan. You did fine for the last 4 years, you're going to do the same lagi 2 minggu ni kan?

I guess I should end this because I need to do my work. I have to submit an assignment tomorrow. My life is so freaking fun right? 

Thursday, 1 June 2017

Confused me

These days I feel like I can't understand my heart anymore. Like for one moment, I feel like yes I do like this guy in front of me and the next two seconds, I'll be like meh I don't think I'm okay with him. It is quite confusing when your heart changes so fast and you're not even sure whether you should stick to this, go with the flow and decide later or just say it straight on the face about your feelings. I mean I'm not mad with my heart for being so hmm inconsistent because only God knows how crazy life has been and how hectic it must be for this little organ to bear the everything since the last 23 years. I don't blame myself either for my super fast changing feelings/perceptions because  the main reason for that to happen is because I've been through so many shitty things before. I'm not saying all I've been through were dark clouds and shitty history only, of course there's a lot of good memories as well but you know they say, you only remember the bad time. Guess its true lol. So yeah, I'm not going to write in detail about this for now because I am so sleepy. Time to sleep. 


Tuesday, 9 May 2017

"I can't be the only one struggling right?"

So the last few days, some of my friends came to me and opened up about their problems or struggles. Honestly, I wasn't sure what to advise them on because me myself have tons of problems to begin with, but I think they kind of know that I can't provide exact solutions to their issues and they just want me to be there as a listener. Listening to their stories made me realize that actually I wasn't the only one struggling all these while. I mean we are all humans and we can't be happy all the time right? Everyone has their own so called bad days in this life. I always hate myself for being extra sensitive or a cry baby but it turns out that I was perfectly normal.

If I am to list out the struggling moments of my life hmm that would be a lot (23 years of pain hahahaha) but the one that I can clearly recalled would be last semester, when I was in semester 7 of LLB. Not exactly through out the whole semester, just few particular period only sebenarnya. During that particular period, I was pretty stressed with myself, my work, the environment I was in and pretty much everything in general. There were days where I really hate my life. I know that I might not lead an amazing or super interesting life before but I'd never consider it as a 'bad' one. Never until last semester. I can't precisely state what caused me to be in that state, the triggering factors were many and all mixed up together but it's okay those bad time had passed anyway. 

So I remember that I used to cry in the car alone few times after classes when I'm driving home (actually not few almost every freaking day), I felt like I have no one to turns to, the work loads assignments, tests, files were like so banyak, I didn't have faith in myself, I felt like I was the stupidest person in the world, I felt unattractive and basically all the bad things one can imagine.  I don't like to do work last minute because I will get super stressed but you know when you just had two many things to juggle within limited time, you cannot avoid from being last minute. And I'm not the kind of person who will go and share my problems with people, mostly if they didn't asked me first, I won't be making the move. So yeah when you pent everything inside, it kills you. I remember coming home and feeling lifeless, crying in the bathroom and all. Those were the worst period of my life. I wasn't happy.

Eventually, things get better. I'm in my last semester (8th semester) now and looking back I realize that nahhh things weren't that bad actually. I'm glad that at least I'd struggled few times in life at least those experiences mend me into a better person and I won't be who I am today without those bad days.

I'm not sure what is the best advice I can give to anyone who's struggling or going through their bad days but for sure, storms don't last forever and everything will be okay. I'm not sure whether this is helpful or not but trust me when I say time will heal everything. All these bad days will one day turns out to be a good laugh for you.  

Keep calm and wait for the rainbow :)

p/s: Wow, can't believe that I can be this positive. Impressive hahahahahahahahahaha.

Thursday, 4 May 2017

Love and Feelings

Most of the time, I try to avoid the topic of love or feelings in general because I’m afraid that I might be judged or labeled by some people around me. I mean I do talk about love and how I felt about certain guys with few of my close friends but nowadays since we’re all busy and have other priorities, the topic didn’t slip our mouths as often as they used to be.

But I decided that today should be an exception, and I’m planning to write about this, how I actually feel about this, just my feelings in general. So I’m 23 years old and I’m single. You might not believe this but I've been single through out my school life and degree life (kesian hahaha I was a nerd) and my one and only relationship was when I was 18 and that was years ago. So don't asked me how my ex boyfriend was, I'm not going to talk about that and honestly I was very young back then I'm not sure what I was thinking haihhh. Plus, it was a long distance relationship and the period was not that long for me to brag about it or whatever. So, let's just skip that part please.

Being single at this age is not that bad, but it's not that welcoming either. In my case probably because I never put this as my top priority, I find that living without a boyfriend is actually quite okay. In fact, I have a lot of fun exploring new things thanks to the joyful and supportive friends I made in university. So, yes my life is not as lifeless as you thought it would be okay? However, on some days you might feel lonely and that's when you will realize that 'omg I'm still single, WTF!'.  Hahhahaha. But generally speaking, those thoughts didn't come often. I usually felt so when I'm hungry and freaking bored but my friends are too busy with their life to teman-ing me keluar but other than that, life is quite fine. 

Anyway, the most annoying part about being single at this age is when I open up and state my status, everyone give me this ‘shocking’ look like omg girl, are you serious? Some people thought I'm lonely and I have to explain myself like no offense but I'm okay. Some are kind enough to give encouragements ‘Nahhh, don’t worry the right guy will come soon’ (I hope so) and some can’t help themselves but asking me why am I still single/alone, it's okay some people are always more curious than the others right? But the most frustrating respond I get all the time is ‘You’re single because you’re too choosy or too demanding’.

I don’t think that I’m being super demanding. I realize that I’m just a normal girl and I’m not in the position where I can ask for crazy things like a prince with extremely handsome face, big cars, a castle or hantaran satu juta anyway. And I think I’m not that picky with looks either, of course if possible I want to find a decent looking guy but not to the extend where you have to be as handsome as Leonardo Decaprio or Brad Pitt. I think as long as ‘sedap mata memandang’ should be enough (I’m not that pretty to begin with anyway).

I think my standards when I’m considering a guy has always been the same since I can remember. He needs to be trustworthy, understanding, kind and hardworking. What I want in a guy has never been about his look (or his money). In fact when I'm considering a guy, I always minus away these two traits and just consider other factors he can offer me? Is he kind enough? Can we be good friends? Can he bear my roller coaster moods? Can I trust this guy? Trust is a very important issue and I am a very busy person. Even if I'm not busy, I'll pretend like one hahaha. Also, I have this perangai where most of the time, I try not to contact people first because I’m afraid that I might annoy them but when people texted me first, I’m all good. Yeah I need to find someone who’s okay to handle my unnecessary self issues.

If I have to be honest, I don’t even know the exact reasons of my single-ness. Maybe I wasn't really looking for one, I mean finding the guy has never been a priority for me, like I want to have a partner but at the same time, I'm still okay if I don't have one. I always put other things above it be it my education, my classes, my family and my friends. Sometimes I feel bad about it but nowadays I realize that in the end it depends on your goals in life. The ultimate goals for some people are  to build happy families, have children, and vice versa. In my case, I always wanted to become a lady with career. I cherish intelligence and hard work. My aim in life is to establish my own name, become a successful and good lawyer to the society and myself, make money, go travel, make my parents proud and etc. Of course if possible I want to be both (a family person and a career kind of person) but at this moment, or at least at this age I would prefer the latter. But well who knows if suddenly out of nowhere I find the right guy, these might change depending on the situation I'm in. So, should I write; subject to changes? Hahaha. 

I think in some ways I'm so used to being alone that I'm actually afraid to be in a relationship. However, I'm not afraid of love or falling in love because I believe love is a beautiful thing. What scares me most is loving the wrong person and placing my heart into wrong hands. And me being me, I am a hopeless romantic which means if I date a person, the goal is to marry him, build with him and you know, just grow together. I'm not dating a person to pass time, it's not my thing. So yeah to my future husband/partner (whoever you might be), good luck finding/searching for me. I always told myself positive things like maybe we're in different time zone, or maybe I was looking for you at the wrong place and you're looking for me at the wrong time. Maybe we'd passed through each other at the bookstores or malls but we can't recognize each other but I believe one day we'll meet each other; when we're ready.

"Somewhere someone is searching for you in every person they meet".

Here are my favourite love-related quotes, hope you find them as beautiful as I do .

Thursday, 27 April 2017

Chapter 23

I officially turned 23 yesterday yassss!

I'm not extremely happy with the fact that I'm getting older but at the same time, I don't feel bitter or sad about it because I don't know probably I'd  come to the point where I decided to embrace my age? and the fact that every year we're like growing one step further than we used to be, won't change much I guess? Age is just numbers anyway. Well, we can't control the cycle of our age right, its already fated someway somehow we're going to aged but no worries girl, they say we age by experience and memories not by numbers :p

I wasn't sure what I was going to write for this post, am I going to do dedications or am I going to write about the experiences I've been through lately, or maybe I should write about life lessons I'd gained the past 23 years or I don't know, just anything. But I think I'm just going to go with the flow and write whatever I have in my mind.

First of all I guess I can't continue my writing today without stating my gratitude. So yes, thank you for my priceless family and beautiful friends. Everyone I'd come across with the last 23 years play or have their own roles in my life. Some are there as guidance while some exists as lessons, whatever it is I'm just thankful that most of the time, God always blessed with good and kind people around.  I'm going to cherish  most of them for the rest of my life and I'm going to mention some of the names and stories to my children or even grandchildren hahahaha.  I know that I won't be here without all the support and love I'd received from you guys especially my family and most specifically my mum.  

Of course, I have to mention my mum, she's the reason I exists today. She's one of the reasons I'm in law school now which is great, I'm having the time of my life here. I think I mentioned this a lot but still I need to emphasize this again, my mum was super strict with me. I remember when I was a child, if I want something for example a bicycle or anything, I need to work hard and prove that I deserve that. Mostly if I get like top 3 in the class, then I'll get what I want. I really hate that when I was a child because imagine I was super young but I need to make efforts to get something. I wanted things easy like most of my classmates did, they can just say whatever they want and they'll get them in no time. But now I realize that someway somehow I love challenges, I like challenging stuffs. I mean I might complain here and there but I feel this kind of satisfaction when I manage to achieve or fulfill what I want. So yes I realized that nowadays I didn't appreciate things that come easy because they don't feel real. You need to work hard to really appreciate certain things in life. 

Besides, I grew up with this principle where as the eldest I have to do well. If I do well or if I'm successful, my  4 other younger sisters will insyAllah follow by. So I was raised  to carry the responsibilities and yes I'd been scolded a lot of course hahaha I was a super naughty and stubborn child, that's why hahaha. Glad I was born part of my family if not I'll probably being killed by other parents. Or if I have another mother, I'll go crying and fine my Ummi anyway hahaha. 

I used to be super afraid of  my mum (not hate because hate is a strong word I never hate people), but gradually as I grow older I realize that you know our mothers are humans as well. And what they did, all the advice are meant to educate us so that we turned out to be civilized humans. Looking back, I'm just thankful that my mum raised me that way because I don't know what is going to happen to me if she ever being like super lenient with me. I might not be who I am today. or I might ended up as super spoil brat I don't know.  I'd come across people who have super bad attitude, no common sense at all, no respect  and tolerance towards other people, I'm just thankful for my upbringing because so many people are pretty messed up.

 I used to tell myself "Oh I'm not going to be my mum, she's like super busy. She has to work and balik lambat and by the time she come home, she's going to take care of us. She's has to do the dishes, she's has to do all the cooking to feed her hungry-all-the-time daughters. I'm not going to be her, I'm not going to live like that". Now I'm an adult I find myself more and more, wanting to become my mother. I wish to be a woman with a good and established career but at the same time still be able to have a happy and good family. I used to say that I don't want to be like my mum because she gives everything to us to the extend I feel like she keeps nothing for herself but now I realize that all mothers do and feel the same. They give everything to their children, they are left with none but they're okay because their children's happiness are part of them. Sama lah, if kita berjaya they feel like they're the one who had succeeded pursuing their dreams. All parents are willing to give everything to ensure happiness of their children. 

Ummi, thank you for your endless scoldings and pure advice, I won't make it this far without you. I'm 23 now and all your scoldings feel like tender rituals now hahahaha.  Anyway thank you for being strict with me especially when it comes to my studies or my future,  I just want you to know that you deserve everything the world can offer and I really hope that Allah will blessed you for everything you'd done for me.  I can't imagine where I'll be without the support from my family probably stranded somewhere in the middle of the road wondering what the heck am I doing, or maybe  I might not be doing law,  I might stuck with other  courses, who knows. 

I guess I have to end my 23th birthday post here because its already 1am and I have to sleep, I have an event to handle tomorrow hahaha. Again, thank you for all the warm wishes I might not be able to respond to each and every one of them attentively but deep inside I'm just super grateful. Hanya Allah yang mampu balas everything. And yass before I end this, I need to congratulate me myself and I because I think I deserve that at least. I know that we (talking to myself) been through a lot, we'd cried a lot too hahaha can't deny that we can be super emotional sometimes. Sometimes we have to push ourselves to the limit, sometimes we have to do things that we hate, sometimes we feel like giving up but we just can't, sometimes we feel suffocated because we can't really say what we really want. Whatever it is girl, you've done a great job. You should be proud of yourself, you have come this far! And I know you're going to a lot of  great, amazing and cool things later in the future! We can do this :)

Me and my mum, picture was taken in 2014.

Saturday, 1 April 2017

Okay me

Hello guys,

Today I'm so excited because it's finally weekend and I just had my dinner with my auntie and her kids, everything is doing pretty well today Alhamdulillah. I'm writing this upstairs, all alone in my room and the atmosphere is quite welcoming. Its raining outside and yass I love the smell and sound of the rain. Fortunately the kids are not disturbing me tonight hahaha probably because I told them I wanted to do some work so yeah you all better give kak long some space people. I'm supposed to do my work but here I am updating my blog, legit. Okay for once, let's not talk about priorities, or all the complicated serious stuffs and let me enjoy my me-time for now.

I know the last two or three posts were kind of short and serious, really? Serious? Not sure about that but I had quite a tough time trying to heal myself from all the headache. I think I'm okay now and hopefully everything will be better, InsyaAllah. So some of my friends who read my previous two posts asked me whether I really wrote those two posts. Guys, I did write them yess I did come on! Hahaha. They thought those were not from me because they're like too short for a Liyana? Lol. I know I'm the type yang akan tulis like extra long entry to extend people malas nak baca but hey I can write short as well. Usually, I write better and longer when I'm in a good mood and vice versa. If I have a lot of things going on in mind, I can't write that well because I don't know I guess I want to stay true to myself but I kind of hate the situation/thing or person so the fact that I have to limit myself and restrain myself from being me lead me to write shorter? What am I trying to say? Hahaha.

Okay as I don't really have anything to say, I'm not sure the purpose of this entry at the first place? I don't have anything much to say, I'm in a good mood, I'm not hungry, my feelings are okay, I just talked to my mum this evening so yeah I guess I'm all good for now. Probably the purpose of this entry is to let you guys know that I'm doing okay and fine. Okay, that's all (better end this fast!)

Thursday, 30 March 2017

Rise & Slay

Today marks the day I return home to myself.

If I've learned anything in life, that should be to know your worth. Girl, you need to know that you're already perfect, you're doing fine and you worth more than a hopeless guy.  I think I should ask myself why the heck am I spending my time worrying and caring for a man who made it obvious with his actions that he didn't want me? Why I kept trying to make this work while on the other hand, he's not making any effort for me? Why am I trying to make things work when it's pretty obvious that I can't see any future of us together? Why am I making excuses for him; oh maybe he's busy, maybe he's spending time with his family. Why does it took me so long to realize that I deserve someone better? I always say this but here it goes again; someone's effort is a reflection of their interest in you and yes for that reason I know the answer to this. I should stop.

My heart told me to stop wasting my time and I kinda agree with that. Never make someone your priority if you remain their option. I realize that I have to keep moving, or else I might miss the train to bigger things in life than this. Again, why bother wasting your time at the first place? Girl, you deserve better.

"You were enough. Maybe you were too much, maybe he prefers less and you deserve more".