Dedicated to everyone who wonders if I'm writing about them. I do.

Sunday, 18 February 2018

Why are you like this?

Life has been difficult.

Actually, I haven't been doing very well lately. I'm so tired of everything right now and I'm really really struggling. Looking back, the last two weeks were full of tears, I can't remember a day where I come home not crying in the toilet or a day passed by without me crying in the car. I feel like I'm not happy and I'm not doing well in anything. Its so frustrating and I'm so freaking frustrated with myself.

I remember reading somewhere that one of the biggest regrets for people at 40s or 50s is 'to stay at a job they hate'. I think its true. That is what I'm feeling and enduring right now. Honestly, I enjoy going to the court and meeting new people. In fact, I also enjoy preparing the cause papers and doing the research. What I hate is probably I don't know whether I can say this or not, but I think the reason I'm hating my days is because of this particular reason which I can't disclose. You know when you really want to say all the shitty things you've been through but you just can't because of hmm defamation?  I don't know whether I should say this or not but I had never met people as shitty, materialistic, crazy and shady as those I met these days. I mean they can be lawyers, clients, staffs or etc. Those who're particularly close to me would probably know. I mean I can say their names if I want to, it doesn't even matter because these are all facts and the truth but you know you gotta keep it low. See, it's so frustrating because I really want to talk about this so so bad and I think these should be lessons to everyone out there but I just can't because hmm I have no power. 

So regarding my career/work life all I can say is this;  When you decided to follow your dreams, take a good look at the path that I took. I leave my footsteps - Avoid them.

While writing this entry, I keep thinking and asking myself  about things that I'm currently okay with, or doing well. I try to list them down, but the paper remains white and new. I'm just bad at everything. I'm not doing well financially or in terms of money. I mean living in KL alone and to survive with that small allowance you received every month can only cover the basic necessities. But I keep telling myself "oh well, at least you didn't die. At least you still can pay your rents and utilities". That's all I can do, I have to keep telling myself that everything will be over once you're done with your chambering and become a lawyer. Better days are coming.


At the same time, this path has taken away the very reason I started running - my family. Once you start working, its hard to get cuti and you know balik kampung and all. Plus, I'm still chambering which means I am not allowed to take any cuti. If I do, I have to ganti them. Also, I'm actually having a crisis with my family which I think no one knows about it. I don't even share it with any of my best friends because I don't know I just feel like keeping it behind closed doors. You know as a human, you get stressed and emotional. I'm particularly as I mentioned above, very tired of everything. So as a result, I get mad at the smallest things. Then some people not understanding my situation calling me emotional and rude. Funny isn't it? When they're struggling, I watch myself, I avoid saying mean things just not to let them hurt. But when it comes to me, everyone expects me to be okay with it. Just because I act like I'm happy, doesn't mean that I am truly happy inside though.

Love life - still sucks.

I've been through a lot the past 24 years but nothing beats the dark days I'm facing right now. For once in 24 years of my life, I don't feel like living. It was that bad.  Every time I find myself crying alone I ask myself "Why are you like this?" "What are you doing with your life". Sometimes, I tell myself "Liyana, if its hard then let's give up and leave". There are days where I really really want to give up, but then to think about if; I have nothing on my sleeves, I got no money, I don't have a boyfriend, my friends are all far away, no one loves me. I'm all alone.

I don't want to say this but if I want to give up, I have to give up my whole life (read: die).

I still want to live though; at least for my mum and my sisters.


Thursday, 11 January 2018

2017; a short summary


2017 

Hmmm.

2017 was an eye opener. Initially when I started to look back at the year, all I can think about is all the bad things that happened, all the things that didn't work and how terrible the year was. I felt like it was a bad year and I failed myself. But you see it's easy to feel disappointed when all your focus was on the negativity and the bad things, the things that didn't happened or things that you wished to happen. 

Looking back, I realized that I had spent majority of my year feeling unsure about a lot of things. Like I was not sure whether I can graduate on time, whether I want to do my chambering or not. I wasn't sure whether I want to be in a relationship or not, whether I can finish this that and a lot of other 'doubtful' moments. It took me quite some time to realize that the biggest problem is because I was unsure of myself. I was doubtful of my own capabilities, I didn't believe in myself. Then when I decided to just go for it, and take a leap of faith, things started to make sense. Things were tough but the harder the challenge gets, I find myself getting stronger and better. Sometimes I get surprised with the way I grow and handle things. So yeah maybe if I have to conclude, 2017 isn't that bad after all? I figured out that as much as these so called 'bad things' being thrown at me, I also get to experience as much or even more moments of great happiness.

I have no words to explain how much the last 12 months have meant to me, and how much I have learned from all the things that came across my path. It was a challenging but a memorable year. How should I describe it? It was a weird year too because someway somehow I was suffering from a lot of problems but at the same time I feel like there are great and enjoyable days as well. Like I'm living my best life and my worst life at the same time. Isn't it weird?

2017 have seen me evolving from being a law student to a working adult. At the beginning of 2017 until July 2017, I was just a normal student enjoying my final year with some friends. Then somewhere in August (14th August to be exact), I began my journey as a pupil at this one firm in KL. Now I'm on my way to 4 or 5 months of pupillage. The transition was fast and it feels almost weird and crazy to me but I believe that it is a compulsory process anyway. I say this all the time, I'm not really sure whether I want to continue practicing as a lawyer after I'm done with my chambering, but one thing I'm pretty sure is I'm going to finish this shit. Chambering is indeed tiring and I feel like quitting a lot but I keep telling myself to embrace it, brace yourself, you can do this. You are not a quitter, you're going to be just fine bla bla bla. The legal world is not as glorious or fun as I imagine it to be, but one thing for sure, it is such an interesting and full of valuable lessons. Things are tough but there are days where I feel like I made a good choice; to start my chambering. It really opens my eyes to a lot of things, mostly because of the fact that I get to see and meet a lot of people from various backgrounds. It also teaches me not to be judgmental. I mean people make mistakes but they don't deserve to be judged for that mistake for the rest of their life, its unfair.

In terms of my life in general, I would say that I have changed so much through out the last one year. I can't remember how and what kind of person I was in 2016 or on the first day of 2017 but I know that I've changed. Sometimes, I felt like I was not being myself and etc but then I realized that there's no such thing as 'permanent' or 'constant' in this world. People change and keep evolving depending on the time and situation. Maybe changing is the only constant thing. I hope I'll be a better person in 2018. I don't care what people say but in 2018 I'll focus on myself more. I had spent my whole life worrying about other people, this year 2018, I decided to be selfish. I'm going to spend more of my energy into improving myself, a better me insyaAllah.

I went through two heartbreaks in 2017 hahaha; one from the guy who hit my car (some people might knew about him) and another one recently. Not that recent anyway maybe somewhere in October/November. So yes I'm still healing. My friends keep advising me to forget them, I want to do that too but this whole heart thingy is so complicated. Healing is such a long process like some days you feel like you're broken and shattered in pieces but then other days you feel renewed. I'm totally over the guy who hit my car, I wish him nothing but happiness. I wrote few entries about him before, but I never wrote anything about the new guy I'm not even sure why probably I'm just too lazy to write or even think about guys anymore. They are all the same demons just different type of evil.  Personally, I don't think I can ever trust my heart to any guy after everything that happened but then isn't it stupid? Why am I punishing myself for things that are clearly not my fault? I feel like I'm not giving myself the justice I deserved.

I want to hate myself for giving my precious time, love and efforts away to horrible people but someway somehow these so called 'relationships'  have taught me a lot. It has taught me to appreciate love, and it makes me realize the depth of my love. At the same time, it has helped me to see my own character and it has shown me my own demons. So yup, I want to hate myself but I don't see a point in doing so. I made mistakes for trusting them, I acknowledge my mistakes. Lessons learnt, so just move on. Someway somehow, I am so thankful for the horrible experiences because I feel like I had cleansed toxic people from my life. I'm on my own now but it's fine, I'm all good.


I'm not sure the right words to describe how devastated and heartbroken and sad and unhappy I was. Like my heart was so broken and I felt like I can never trust people anymore. Even felt like everyone who's trying to know me has an ulterior motives. It took me quite some time to get over it and have faith in myself again. If you're going through the same situation as I did, let me tell you one thing; you'll get over it. There's no single person on this planet that is worth you laying awake at night feeling like you're not good enough. Not a single person. Love should be something beautiful, and if you're suffering then it's not love. Do not be mistaken.

Hahahahahaha feel like I'm getting emotional. Better stop now.

So in short, 2017 hmm isn't that bad, right?

For 2018, I want to be happy if possible in everything.  I told my friends that I only have two main goals for 2018; one is to finish my chambering and be a lawyer. Another one is to find a boyfriend hahaha. I know that this might sounds like a joke but I am serious okay. I think maybe its time to be serious and start looking for a partner. All these while, I keep making excuses like "takpelah nak focus belajar" and various, countless excuses lagi but now I think it's time dah kot eh.


What do you guys think?

Monday, 27 November 2017

Beautiful thing called home

I think I repeat this for few times already this week, "I  want to go home!".

I just want to and I need to. The last time I went back home was for Aidiladha, that was like three or four months ago. This is when I feel like working sucks and I hate adulthood. My plan is actually to take a 3 days leave on 14th until 16th December but I'm not really sure, I haven't apply my cuti yet. I actually have few urgent cases the next few weeks but I just thought that screw it up, if I keep telling myself "you shouldn't cuti because you have important case" then I'll be working forever and ever.

I read somewhere this morning. They say there are three important things in life; family, friends and work or friends, family and work. Either way, work should always be the third in the list. What I've been doing the last couple of months is to put my work as the top priority and I neglected the other two. I'm not even kidding but I feel like I'm losing bonds with everyone. This is why I decided that this should stop, work can wait. As much as I like and enjoy my work, I love my family way more than I can imagine.

It's hard to work in the city of Kuala Lumpur and your parents and sisters live like 400 kilometers away from you. Driving would take at least 7 hours and the prices for the flight tickets are too pricey for random trips. The struggle is real, but life is all great. I know that wherever I am in this word, the doa and love from my parents will always be with me. I know they wish nothing but the best for me. I just have to understand that for now; this is the best.

I know its always hard and challenging, but take it easy. One step at a time and  everything will be just fine.


ps: I went for my first case management today. I mean I went to few case managements before but I was never the one who speak or appear in front of the judge. Today I did. I appeared in front of the judge all alone, feel like a sole fighter lol. I know that I must look nervous and all but thank god, I did it hahahahaha.

Tuesday, 14 November 2017

Chambering or Pupillage

There are so many things that happened to me the last few months. Just too many to count and too many to list down anyway, but the significant one is probably the fact that I have changed from being a law student to a pupil/chambie (trainee lawyer) and hopefully a lawyer after these 9 months of chambering. 

So as much as my 'status' changed, I have to adapt my so called new life as well. I have to think like an adult and act like an adult. Honestly during my early days, I found the adaptation as pretty harsh . I mean I'm still young, I still want to stay up all night and watch movies like I used to do when I was a student. I still want to skip classes whenever I feel sleepy and can't get up from my bed. I still want to have MC even though my fever or illness are pretty tolerable. I still want to do things without a serious responsibility because "I'm just a student anyway". When I was a student I always think like "Oh let's just do this, if it's wrong then it's okay, we learn from mistakes anyway". I still want to stay up all weekends and have fun with my friends. I still want to do stupid and random things like go to karaoke place in the middle of the night and release our 'self-created stress'. I miss midnight movies as well. I mean when I was a student, I always went to the nearest mall and watch midnight movies with couple of friends in pajama and regardless of when the movies end, we just won't care much since our schedule was pretty flexible. And if you're a student, you'll get like discounts at mostly every freaking place in this world, restaurants, cinemas, karaoke place and even clothing stores. I miss student discounts hahaha. I miss random roadtrips and random hiking/jogging sessions with my friends. 

I know that it seems like all I did was to have fun and laughter, I swear that it wasn't the case. I study jugak okay, I did study. My main concern when I was a student was not to fail my papers and thank god, I never did. That's probably the only struggle back then, to pass my papers. I always told myself like 'its okay you did your best. It's okay if you fail, its part of life. Everyone fails anyway" (well not everyone but huge number la) but I did all I can to pass. I told myself like grades are not important but I stayed up all night to study, read books, read cases, make notes, colour my notes, hafal my cases, nazar puasa or sedekah if I feel like I messed up my exams yet I shouted "grades are not important" hahahaha. You must be kidding yourself kid. You did everything for your grades and your papers remember?!!


Again, those good old days.

Then I realized that everything has changed.

I no longer go to classes, I go to work now. I no longer has lecturers to scold me if I make any mistakes, I have senior colleagues and my master to do that for me hahahaha. My client is no longer Encik Ali as what is stated in the examination paper but a real 'Encik Ali' who will call you every now and then to ask the status of his case. Everything I do counts, I can no longer act like I don't know my law. If I don't know something, it's my duties to figure it out, to do my research. Every steps I take, I have to think about the consequences and responsibilities. "If I didn't do this within time,  then my client will get the court order" or things like "Oh if I don't do this, my client will not get a divorce and she has to suffer and live with her shitty husband for the rest of her life". Even when I hate the case or the clients so so much I still have to be professional and do it anyway because 'they pay you'. Then should I talk about punctuality, shitty clients, waking up early for court casea and answering to repetitive phone calss? Urgh, I better not.

When I was a student, all I want to do was to finish my studies and work but hmmm shit, this is not what I expected hahahahaha. Adulting is hard, you have to brace yourself.

However, now I'm in my 3rd month of chambering, I started to adapt myself and started to have fun and enjoy my working life. I mean I might not get to do things I did when I was a student, but I discovered other ways of having fun and making myself happy. I started to embrace my 'alone time'. I know that I might look like a real no life kinda person but these days whenever my clients praised my work, that really made my day.

Honestly during the first few weeks of my chambering life, I really really feel like quitting (nowadays I still have those thoughts sometimes). Everything was pretty challenging and hard. My families are far away back home and my friends are not here anymore. The only thing I can connect with them are through whatsapp or phone calls. The thing is everyone has their own life and I cannot like 'kacau' them everyday. When I was a student, there were days where my friends cannot entertain my emotional side and my parents are busy to catch up with me, then I thought I was lonely enough. Now I'm really alone and has no families and friends around, I realize that this shit is real lonely. Dulu tu macam takde apa pun. I felt like I was losing my bond with everybody.

On my first day of chambering, I came home and cried for two freaking hours because I was 'scolded' for a tiny mistake I did. It was my first day of course, my parents and my friends will call and ask about my day. I avoided them, I really feel like not talking to anyone. I questioned myself whether I can survive or not. Now, I'm like 3 months here I realized that it wasn't a scolding. It was just a mere 'correction' made by my senior partner, but it was done in a harsh way and me being a baby just hmmmm.

Chambering is tough but it's fun too. I'm not sure whether I'll complete my chamber or not ( I hope I do) but this a new experience altogether for me. All I did when I was in law school was to learn and study about the theories, now it's time to apply those theories in real world. Sometimes, when I have too much things to juggle within limited time, I do question my life and I really feel like quitting. Then I reflect back and realize that I spent my freaking 5 years in law school and now I'm out of it, I wanted to give up? That easy? I realize that I have no other talent, I'm not good at anything in life. All I wanted to do since I was a child was to become a lawyer, so I have to suck it off. I was a girl with big dreams, and I promised myself that I'll make it real one day. I cannot disappoint myself. Not to mention all the restless nights I spent studying for exams just to make sure I'll graduate and the money and efforts my parents have to put in to ensure their daughter become a lawyer. Looking back at all these things I realize that I just have too much to lose.

I am busy but then everyone is busy too. You make time for your loved ones. I realize that I have to make time to contact and keep updates with my families. I have to take the initiative to call and whatsapp my friends. That's the way to survive this world. 


These days, every time I feel like quitting and pressured, I'll take a step back and remind myself why I'm here at the first place. Take a deep breathe, and start again. Just remain positive and patient and most importantly, just pray to God. Hopefully this is the right path for me, hopefully every steps take I take are blessed. Hopefully everything will make sense.


Hopefully everything will be fine.

"Do not claim you want to grow and then run away the minute you feel that growing pains".

Friday, 10 November 2017

Blank

I just can't write anything I don't know why. Honestly, I came here everyday and try to write at least a short paragraph of whatever I want to say but someway somehow the post remain blank. I write and delete, write and delete.

There's so much things I want to write about; my chambering experience, my new life as a complete loner, my new failed relationship (this is so funny you guys should laugh) and my never ending insecurities about myself (the usual lulz). The fact that I can't even write one proper post when I obviously have so so much things pent up inside is so annoying. I always told myself 'its okay, maybe I'll write better during weekends' but the past weekends failed me. Ehem, actually, I failed myself. Most of the time, I spent my whole weekends doing my usual stuffs, clean my freaking room, do the loads of laundry and some twitter scrolling. By the time, I feel like I want to write something it's already night. Well, someone needs her beauty sleep anyway :p

I'm actually sad, happy, miserable, but pretty much excited about so many things. There's no words to explain myself but I'll make sure I write a proper post soon. Yup, soon. 

Sunday, 10 September 2017

Healing.

To be honest, I had a lot of ample time. I could write if I want to but someway somehow I abstain myself from writing because I don't want myself to write about sad things. I always love writing because I can always write what is in my head, but for after what happened recently, I refused to write what I have in my mind because its so destructive. I know that I should be genuine and I can't have a perfectly happy life all the time but I just hate  the fact that I 'm weak because of what that.

I do want to write whatever I have in my mind, how sad I was, how hard everything was and how much I struggle until I finally found some courage to be myself again but the papers remain empty, the post remain as white as it is. I keep telling myself  'we have move on right. Today is a good day, another opportunity for you to shine' but at the end of the day, I'll sit in the corner of my room wondering whether everything is going to be fine. At one point of my life, I really hate myself because I keep thinking of memories I shouldn't, I keep thinking of people I shouldn't care about.

Someone told me he find himself another girl (either he find himself a new girl or he's always been with the girl all these time but I never know about it) It was pretty shocking, actually I was so shocked. There's no way to explain how mind blowing it was. I was pretty mad with myself because I think I was being stupid. I suffered for nothing. Some of my friends did asked me about the chances of getting back together if he ever ask for, and I totally said no. Never. I always give people a second chance in mostly everything but for this time, I firmly said no. I'd been true to our relationship and ended up behind the bars of betrayal.  I think it was toxic and I will never waste my effort and time for this kind of guy.

Sometimes, I do miss the memories. We have our favourite songs that we used to listen in the car together. After that thing happened, I can't bring myself to listen to the songs at all. I'll turn my radio off, or change the channel.  I'll avoid everything related to the shit, but these days I realize the more I avoid, the harder it gets. One day, I pick up my courage and stick to the song until the end. It was hard and torturing but I felt better. So what? This song had always been my favourite since years ago, way before I met him. It's not my fault this happened and I should stop myself from avoiding stuffs, instead I should embrace it and accept the fact that some people are just too shitty to be in my life. When I was with him, I had always been true of what I like and dislike. I like to keep it real, but then I wonder was he lying all these while? Everything he said was all lies right? 

Everyday I pray to God to make things easier for me. I guess I'm getting better. I won't promised you that this is my last entry of me being heart broken ( I hate this word, or to call myself heart broken) or sad but all I can say is I'm trying to find all my pieces back. I want to be the old Liyana. I used to be quite positive with everything including people. Now, I'm a bit judging I would say. It's hard for me to open up to new people in case they will left me too. I always give my all so when people leave, it's hard for me to bear everything. I used to be this one girl who will look at the mirror everyday and tell myself "awww you look so pretty today", I am that one girl who puji diri sendiri all the time because I know no one will ever did that to me. These days hmmm I dress so minimal, with less makeup (compared to how I used to do my make up). Its not that I have no one to impress, I never do things to impress people anyway. Its just that I feel demotivated sometimes, but it's okay I'm getting better. Life is quite good so far. I started my chambering (working) and everything is so new and so challenging but I like challenges anyway so I always look up to another day of work. I'll write in detail about my chambering soon!

So, that's it. Since he find himself a new girl, I wish them happiness. I hope he treats her right this time because honestly, no girl should be treated the way I did. I don't want to wish him bad things or karma or whatever because that's so cheap. I'm not jealous with their relationship because honestly, he's just the wrong guy for me. I deserve someone way better than him, someone who compliments me. To all the girls, who had been through the same situation as I did, my advice would be to know your value. If a guy tell you he can't be with you, or refused to be with you anymore. Pack your things and leave. Do not beg because if you are important in his life, he won't be doing that at the first place. You'll be sad, you'll get lonely but that is way better than with the wrong guy. Trust me. 

"Because while you're left with these painful memories, you remember that what he doesn't posses is the power to destroy you".

Thursday, 10 August 2017

Worrying solves nothing

"You are still young. Take it easy".

Sometimes,I forget the fact that I'm still young and its okay not to have everything figured out. Things take time. Honestly, there are so many things going on in my life and as much as I have to juggle everything, I can't stop myself from worrying in case everything that I had planned didn't turn out the way I expected them to be. In short, I overthink. 

In my case, I think there wasn't a single moment in my life where I think I was completely happy. Maybe there is few but I just can't think of one right now. When there's something great happened or I was like laughing, happy and stuffs, there's something inside my heart that keeps telling me to tone it down. Like "Liyana I know you are happy but be careful, you might cry tomorrow darling". Hahaha no I was kidding I never called myself darling, that's so ewww. I usually called myself stupid or crackhead or just 'girl' in general like its okay you got this girl. Sometimes when I did something extremely extremely stupid, I'll be like 'hey crackhead why are you acting like one stupid crazy girl ah? Stop you're embarrassing yourself'.

Still, what I'm trying to say is yeah I am that one girl who's afraid to let herself go, to let everything out just in case something unexpected or bad is going to happen. I used to be the one who gives everything for something or for people but then I discovered that once things messed up, or once people leave, it hurts me so freaking bad. So starting from that moment, I promised to be careful, not to set my expectation high, not to give my everything since we can't predict the future right? People change and leave, things are destroyed, memories fade and I'm not careful I might be left with nothing. I know that I sound so negative but honestly, I'm just being careful. We have to be prepared for "just in case" moments. 

So back to my story, yes I worry about a lot of stuffs. I'm not going to mention or discuss specifically each and every one of them but I think about them a lot. My 'what if's are killing me.   I won't say sampai tak tidur malam semua because takde lah I've been sleeping well jer haha. I keep telling myself to stop worrying, things are going to be just fine and there's so many opportunities for you in this world. They say the sky is the only limit but actually even the sky is not the limit. You set the limit for yourself, if you're willing to do something you can go extra miles for it. Again girl, stop worrying. Things will work their way out one day, maybe not today but one day they will. Everything is just inside our head. We're going to be just fine, with everything we have right now. Trust me.