Dedicated to everyone who wonders if I'm writing about them. I do.

Sunday, 20 December 2015

#41


I know that I am not a keen and enthusiastic writer. My urge to write basically and most of the time depends on my mental and emotional state. I found that the more emotional, stressed or sad I get, the more I feel like writing. I feel like I need to in some ways write my thoughts out even if it is not done here, I will find other possible ways to express them out. I'll scribble them down in a piece of paper or I write them in my phone. Sometimes, it feels like if I didn't write my insecurities and problems down I might explode. The main reason for this is probably because I am a very confusing person, on some days I can't understand myself.  I don't know what I actually feel. Am I sad or am I angry? Writing actually helps, a lot because once I read what I had basically wrote then I get sure of what my feelings. There's no doubt anymore. So, I always welcome the freedom to express myself.

We humans in some ways are always vulnerable and there are so many things in life that break us. Negativity is sneaky. Anyone struggling with the same issue, I would like to encourage you guys to just sit back, take a piece of paper and a pen, write your stories. Even if no one is going to read them, you are at ease because at least your intentions are pure. At least you are being honest with yourself.

One thing that always makes me emotional and sad is my papa. I don't know why.

Thursday, 12 November 2015

#40

One of the profound qualities in people that I truly respect and adore is sincerity. Living in this society, it is undeniable that to find people who are truly genuine in what they are doing might be the hardest task ever. Probably because we humans are always in pursuing of something, we always have things in mind, and we are always hunting to satisfy our greed. We help people to expect something in return, we do something hoping that one day the other party will  recognize us and give rewards for our efforts. We don't commit to an act profoundly but merely as an act to disguise.

Well honestly I am not sure whether I have been sincere through out my life or not.  Maybe, not. There is no exact definition of it, and there is no specific bench mark to measure human's sincerity but I'm trying my very best to do a thing wholeheartedly be it in studies or life in general. I had always wanted to be remembered as someone who was sincere, even if I made mistakes. They are all made in sincerity.

At the end of the day, we'll be at peace because at least our intentions are pure.

Probably the best selfie of me in 21 years of my life. Or is it still not good enough to you? Hahahaha




Sunday, 25 October 2015

#38

Maybe one of the things I should do back then is to  remind myself that I have no power to control certain things in this world. No matter how much I tried, certain things will always go the other way around. No matter how much hard work I've put in, certain things will never change from its constant state. And after a while I learn not to blame and beat myself because of this, the part of me was doing the best I can at least. The result of it was not in my control. I was a little confused because I believe that the process of changing and evolving is the nature of a life. Somewhere somehow we humans have to change to I don't know fit in the society, live the life and etc. We always change by time, like changes is the only constant. So it drives me crazy when certain things and certain people are some sort of bound to their permanent states.

Then in the middle of the chaos, I found the answer.

Monday, 12 October 2015

#37

People thought that I have no disappointments in life, people thought that I had it easy. Some even wonder how can I live with no fear at all,  like my life has been all good days, rainbows and marshmallows. Wait marshmallows? Hehehe never mind just cut that crap.

That is not true, at all. To be honest, I have many disappointments I would say too many which makes me too lazy to count lol.

I'm not good in many things you name it. I don't think I am a good daughter to my parents even though I am trying my very best to be one. I think if I manage to be at least half of my mum's expectations, that would mean a world to me. Not a good sister, sometimes not a good company to keep around well depending on your style actually. Some people might like my personality, some people might hate me. Our preference differs and I can't blame people for that, I was not an excellent student back then (not straight A pun, espiem cutkup-cukup makan jer) and now I'm in university, hmm boleh lah average okay kot. I try to maintain my pointer to 3.00 and above, that's my philosophy. But well on good days I surprise myself by scoring 3.4 and above or the best in class in certain tests (note that these are quite rare actually hahaha).

My point is that as humans, we all have flaws. We can't avoid that. As life goes by I have experience many disappointments in life; in studies, love relationship (kite pernah ada crush tapi crush tak suka kat kite, dia suke orang lain pastu kite nangis empat puluh hari bawah selimut hahahaaahaha), broken family, friendships, kecewa sebab diri sendiri and etc. You name it. And as the list goes on and on for that category, I have quite a list for my fears too. I fear many things. I'm afraid of snakes, ghosts, murderers, rapists and etc. Used to be afraid of water (pools, rivers, beaches  okay not water as in air mandi biasa tu gila la takut yang tu haha), I had hydrophobia actually but these days manage to overcome that phobia with the help of my cool friends and my cool self of course lol. And I'm very very very very clumsy and oblivious in certain things to the extent where I feel like slapping myself for being so clumsy. Ridiculously observant to certain matters and completely oblivious to the other half = me .

You think I have no disappointments and fears? Seriouslyyyyyy?

So you see darlings, we're all not perfect but we don't show our scars to the world. The main reason I choose not to talk or the best word is 'ignore'  all the bad things, bad experiences is because I believe they are not healthy. They are not healthy to me and I believe they are not healthy to you reader(s) and to the world as a whole. I believe I should not bring people down with me. Just because I hate someone for being a complete crap, or I hate his/her attitudes I'm not going to share that hatred to the world. Well I might do that if it is too much but if it is possible for me to keep things to myself, I choose to do so. We always come across this phrase 'keep that hatred to yourself', the same principle applies here in writing, blogging and internet community. If you don't like something try your best to keep that to yourself, or at least just have some talks about that among your good friends je lah.  Look at what the world is becoming when people believe that they 'need' to share every single thing to others through our social medias. They are destructive. Its okay to share certain matters especially if they are for good reasons but if they don't serve any specific purpose, why bother at the first place kan. Tengok dah ke laut dah jadi.

I cannot pretend that I have no fear. But in a way I would say my predominant feeling is a gratitude.I am my own biggest critic. Before anyone criticized me I have already criticized myself. It's not weird for me to call myself 'stupid' or 'bangang' or whatever unfriendly terms you name it. As much as I am such a huge critic to myself dah, I choose not to allow people to criticize myself. I can barely handle my own critics anyway. Plus people will always talk about you,even if you're sharing only the good side of the coin, rainbows, flowers and etc. Alaa orang share pasal agama as tazkirah pun selalu kena tibai, tak faham aku. Padahal takde kena mengena dengan kite pun. Nak terima, terima. Tak nak terima ignore jer.

So if you're dissapointed with something just keep calm and remember that time solves most things. And when time can't solve them, you have to solve yourself.

Maybe as time goes on, you'll understand.


Was taken on the last day of my internship, miss those days (well actually not really lah just feel like a complete lupa diri and tak reti bersyukur if I didn;t said that hahahaha) 

#36

"When something bothered me, I didn't talk with anyone about it. I thought it over all by myself, came to a conclusion, and took action alone. Not that I really felt lonely. I thought that's just the way things are. Human beings, in the final analysis, have to survive on their own"

- Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart.


Monday, 5 October 2015

Tak best nya jadi seorang liyana,
banyak sangat benda yang tak suka dengan diri sendiri.

Annoying kan?

Saturday, 3 October 2015

Another random post huh?


A number of things happened. Some are great, some are urgh quite disappointing but hmm that's okay I kind of expect that anyway. Well as long as I'm doing fine, I have food on the table, roof on my top, something decent to wear, life is quite good I guess. Honestly, I don't think that I have the right to complain much when there are so many people living with less than what I have. I'm trying to be grateful for the blessings at least. Hey come on what is life without some disappointments is it hahaha? 

Hmm I don't know what to write actually, I don't have any interesting stories to share but tonight I just feel like writing some random stuffs in my head. You know like flushing everything out of this brain and start everything fresh tomorrow. So as I am a very dedicated (what?) and determined (hahahahahaha you won't believe this right?) student, I will share about my ultimate love and dedication, which is my studies. Things started to get hectic I am bound with classes, assignments, upcoming tests and all. Next week (literally tomorrow because today is already saturday) will be our 5th week for the 5th semester and can you imagine work is starting to pile up. Yes it has been tough. But in a way I am a little thankful with the fact that yes I am a student and I have classes to attend, assignments to be submit and that's okay. I guess to compare life as a student and life of a working adult is hmm beyond comparison. I did my internship last semester break and you can't imagine how happy I was to be in a classroom again, listening to the lecturers.At least as a student my job is to learn and possibly relate what I was taught with real life. Working is a total different story, its the application of what I've learnt my entire life and hmm honestly right now just the thought of it makes me feel tired. The pain of working from 8 to 5, to be scolded when I did something wrong, not allowed to do whatever I want are too much for me. Thank god I am done with internship now. Of course I am thankful for the program, I had gained some many lessons and experiences that worth living. It's just for this moment  if I am allowed to choose, I think I am not ready to dedicate my whole life to work purposes. There are so many areas and things I am lack in, I shall study and master everything first I guess.

Okay enough with the internship talks, my main concern right now is with the fyp (final year project). So my friends and I, we are doing a research on forced labour and employment act. To be specific our research topic is : Forced Labour in Malaysia: A study on the Employment Act 1955. Need to go, will talk about this later okay. Take care people!


I don't know what will happen to me if I didn't met this two fellas. Thanks to them college life seems do able, at least. 

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Weird

Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in and everyone hates me. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I look at the mirror but I can't find myself. Sometimes out of nowhere you suddenly miss everything but you can't specifically mention what 'everything' is. Sometimes I long for people I haven't met in real life but I believe they exist. Sometimes I feel like driving alone, listening to some odd radio channels that I won't bother on my normal days. Sometimes I feel like going out with random friends and have a nice coffee date. Sometimes I don't feel like talking, laughing or even looking at the world. Sometimes I crave for my alone time but realize that it might be too boring. Sometimes someone mentioned a very small little thing but it affects me the most.  

Weird isn't it?

Don't worry, we are all a little weird sometimes. 

Saturday, 26 September 2015

Love

I guess when your age starts to bloom to 20 plus, people will start asking about your private life including your love relationship. And honestly I am not very comfortable and confident with the topic nor that I am ready to discuss it openly. I still consider myself as 'young' and I don't see any reasons why finding a guy should be my ultimate life goal at this moment.I mean of course finding the right guy is important  but that only matters if you're thinking of marrying that person. If it's just for the sake of occupying your alone time or just filling up the gap hmm better find a hobby or find a good book. At least you'll gain something. If I decided to be with someone to keep up with the trend or because I'm the only single person in the group or I'm afraid that people might labelled me as 'tak laku' then I don't think I'm being good and honest to myself. And I think this is one of the contributing factors to the failure of many love relationships nowadays. We misunderstand other feelings with love. So these days every time I find a guy and he finds me 'hmm okay' and I find him 'hmm okay', I will ask myself whether is it true I am admiring this guy in front of me or is it just because I'm lonely or my friends ask me to go for it. If you take that 2 minutes to really wonder around you'll find the best answer for yourself. 


Personally I have no problems with people having boyfriends, in fact I respect those who can manage their life quite well despite all the commitments. Me on the other hand can barely cope and juggle with everything, I don't see myself taking in another commitment and rearranging everything again. Not now and not that I can manage that hmm maybe nayyy. Of course when you are at my age and you see people went out for dates with their special ones, sometimes I can't help myself from wondering  when will I get to experience all those things. Honestly lovebirds are cute sometimes hehe. But as far as I'm concerned these kind of thoughts didn't come across me everyday. Usually I find myself 'memberontak' (haha term takleh bla) for a boyfriend on very very very very lonely days where I can't find anything fun to do, or when I'm hungry but have no one to teman me out for dinner or when I want to go to library but can't find people who are nerds enough to be my study mates,  that's when I yearn for romantic relationships. 

Other than that, I think I am better alone. 

I guess this is the simplest and best answer I can provide to all those asking for now. The thing is I am searching for one (not that I'm ignorant tak kisah tunggu jodoh dari langit ke apa) but it's hard to find a decent guy these days. Plus looking at myself I doubt that guys are actually interested in me hahaha. But honestly if I find a guy, I'll introduce him to the world. Don't worry hahahaha. 

Alaa isn't the best relationships usually begin unexpectedly?



Friday, 18 September 2015

Hello

Sometimes when I get too busy with life and I miss myself, I will read my old zaman rempitzz entries, unfinished entries or some posts that I will never publish to public because of some personal reasons. It gives me some sort of satisfaction and happiness to know that I'm living my life quite well despite all the struggles and problems (some are self created btw). Plus I feel glad to know that they are not permanent either, after some time we'll go through the 'impossible to be done' things with ease.  Back then I thought I won't be able to get through some of the shits but now, look at you *standing proud*.You're doing quite well. One thing that I realize about struggle and hard work is that they never betray, always go well as what I planned. Its either I'm getting better or my determination and endurance get stronger. Or maybe both.  Mistakes have the power to turn you into something better than you were before. I don't know whether I am stupid ke apa but once I manage to overcome all the hardships, automatically I will forget all the bad days. Maybe my brain dah refused to remember them anymore macam "dah dah aku tak nak ingat dah, benda lama jangan dikenang" hahaha.

So people in case you are struggling and you thought that there's no hope. Think again.You can do this, you just have to be mentally and physically prepared. That's all.  This is the beginning of anything you want.

I find this beautiful and I suddenly have the urge to share it tehee. 

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

3rd year!

Hi.

Miracles happen. Sometimes not in the fantasy magical forms we see in movies or in books that we read. Sometimes miracles happen in a more abstract and subjective forms. Like surviving things you thought you won't make it. One of the most clear examples for me: Law school.


Honestly I can't believe the fact that I'm already 21. I macam my god you're 21 now liyana, not a young girl anymore. Dah boleh kawen dah tapi since takde orang nak please lupakan hasrat tu. Everything feels like yesterday, woww. Its amazing. I still can vividly remember my school days, I was always that one girl who will be late hmm literally every morning and I always have to queue or be in the line with other late comers. That always-late girl is becoming a lawyer now. So to those people who judged me without knowing the reasons why I was late or whatever stupid actions I took back then well you can shut your mouth up.Some people thought I was a problematic, spoiled and psychopath who is also quite arrogant and over confident girl hahaha. Whatever your definition of me I didn't care, I don't care and I'm not even bothered by it .I know I was always late but I always finish my homework I'm the style yang prefer burning the whole night doing my homework on my own rather than datang awal tapi tiru kerja sekolah orang lain. Hahaha definitely not me. And to that one teacher who seems like he had lost faith in me, aww cikgu I'm doing good now. Thanks for the all the discouragements I'm doing well on my own :) 

Then the struggled I put for SPM, the friends and experiences I obtained in high schooll.  After SPM, I did my foundation in Merbok Kedah, the hostel, first time being far away from my parents, first lecture, the kind lecturers. I still remember all the moments. One whole year of foundation which I did quite okay then I was accepted to do degree in law in Shah Alam. First semester, second semester, and now I'm in my fifth semester or a 3rd year law student. Woww as I look back I realize time really flies. Can't believe I'm in my fifth sem now, this is something that I don't see coming I mean not as fast as this. I thought I was not going to survive even the first semester kot, the beginning was hard. It took me quite some effort and time to be here today, standing proudly as myself. It was not an easy journey and I know that I can never survive this alone without all the supports from my friends and family especially my parents. God really blessed me with a lot of great and helpful friends along the journey. Some people are so nice and I don't know how grateful and happy I am for their existence. I want to always keep them close and do fun stuffs together, I want to come to their weddings, get to know their children and all. Jauh sangat fikir liyana oiii.

Tapi betul thank you for all the encouragements, advises, scoldings for the sake of a better liyana. I had improve a lot hahaha but don't worry I'll keep improving insya Allah. I still remember there were days where I don't know myself and I thought I won't make it but these people, they just have faith in me more than I ever did for myself. And I know one of the reasons I'm doing good and okay until today is because of their trust, faith and support on me which I hate to dissppoint them. I mean how can you disappoint those who mean the world to you kan?

I hope everything will be good. I hope I'll end this whole degree with flying colors. Sit back and rilex I'll make myself proud!


Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Hi

Hello.

Wow it has been years since my last update (oh well not really years but literally). I was busy with life, studies, finals, hari raya and all. Sometimes I feel stressed because it's quite hard to juggle between everything and I need to find some time for myself in between. But its okay, Alhamdulillah. Things went well, finals went hmm well I did my best already so I'm not going to annoy myself by overthink things, life was okay no big issues, friends are fine. They are all funny, and creepy lulz (that explains my weird mood).

This 27th I will start my internship at the High Court of Kota Bharu, few days left to berjimba-jimba kat rumah. I'm having the time of my life now yahoo sleeping, eating, watching tv. I have mixed feelings about it, you know the idea of me working and handling stuffs on my own is much scarier than it seems. I feel nervous but at the same time I'm excited and kind of look forward to it. Insya Allah I'll do fine. Hmm I will right? You will you will *self meditation*

People have been complaining of my absence, awww *virtual hugs*. But honestly you can always find me online, mostly on twitter. I know that I'm not a facebook kind of person, and I rarely write good stuffs these days but I'm always tweeting about something. So if you need help or something feel free to dm or mention me on twitter. I'll try to reply okay, unless you say stupid things that annoy me then I don't see any obligation for me to respond. I'm actually quite nice hahahahahahaha.

Bye. Oh and since we're still in the mood for raya, Selamat Hari Raya. Have a good one!


The only good selfie of me on the first Syawal, the rest are mehhhhhh :/

Sunday, 21 June 2015

Fragile

People around me will always go "you are always so cheerful, its like you never have any problem". Trust me, I do have problems. Maybe mine is greater than yours, I just choose not to care much because hmm I don't know I'm tired.

3 years ago, someone said this:

"You're not that good, you're not pretty either. Your face is full of pimples and you are an ignorant shit. You're so full of yourself (in a bad way) and please what I've been telling you all this while were lies, and you are stupid enough to actually believe them. You are an ignorant stupid person, you can go live your life like that..."

I can never fully write what that person told me because it's so heart breaking and hurtful. They are so rude and it's not something that you should say to a person. And even after all these while, I still have tears in my eyes reading them.That was like the worst moment of my life, being insulted in a way you can't imagine. I thought I've healed. I thought by ignoring them, I will heal. But maybe not, it's true I will never heal. I can never heal. Yes I forgave them years ago, but I can never forget hahaha I can never forget I'll make sure he regret it. If you think you had win, you choose the wrong girl. 

Can't wait for the day we meet at the court, I'll make sure you regret for being such an as*****

People, you have to be careful these days, it's like you can't trust anybody.

Monday, 11 May 2015

Busy

Sabar liyana sabar,
Lagi berapa minggu jer nak habiskan sem ni. Lepas tu finals then doneee you are free to go.

So, I know that this is not helpful at all, this will not make you feel better but honestly this is the only thing that you can do.
Sabar, hang in there.

All these things shall pass, soon.

Friday, 8 May 2015

People

Paling sedih, just when you thought you have it all "I'm so happy it seems like I've found my place everything is nice people are nice"

Then something happened. People left, things stumbled. You looked back and wonder what's wrong what's going on? No darling everything is fine. People left when they feel like they need to. And sometimes they'll leave their mess around just in case.

Yang paling bangang is those who left you lepas korek semua all your secrets cukup untuk digunakan untuk defame you and your anak cucu for the next 3 generations. Bangang betul.

Tapi still paling bangang kita sendiri sebab let people in at the first place, told you some people do stabbed your back.

Awas. 


Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Hi jodoh.

If one day aku ada boyfriend,

Aku akan mintak satu hal jer; jangan banyak bercakap sangat. Let me do all the talking.

Kau boleh bercakap tapi cakap yang bernas-bernas jer, dan bila perlu jer.

Sebab jujur based on experience aku, bingit lah kalau dua-dua sama sama nak bercakap tak nak mengalah. Kau lelaki bagi peluang dekat aku bagi aku punya opinion dulu lepas tu baru voice out kau punya.

Tapi takdelah to the extend yang takde freedom of speech at all. Logik gila.

Kalau lah, kalau.
Tapi tak salah kot bersangka baik.

Gedik.

Land law 2

Biasanya aku tak salahkan orang lain kalau aku sendiri yang bangang. Maksudnya sikap atau perangai aku sendiri yang menyebabkan masalah tu terjadi.

Macam lecturer land law 2 aku,
Dia punya lah baik, mengajar pun okay.
Jadi bila aku cakap aku tak faham land law aku tak salahkan dia sebab tak faham jiwa aku, tapi aku salahkan diri sendiri sebab bangang.

Aku rasa mungkin aura dia tak sampai lagi ke aku,
Atau land law memang bukan forte aku haha.
Sorry madam.

Memang nasib diri sendiri; lagi suka lecturer garang yang tahap nak makan orang daripada lecturer yang memang baik sangat sangat.

Lulzz.

Errr

Liyana,

Kita sama-sama tahu yang performance dalam tests and midsem this sem rasanya paling teruk dalam sejarah kehidupan seorang Liyana.

Hahaha padan muka.

Mungkin ini tanda Tuhan nak bagi sedar. Jadi kau sepatutnya tahu Liyana kadang-kadang Tuhan balas semua kesalahan dan kesilapan kita hari ni jugak, Dia tak tunggu nanti nanti.

Maka rajin-rajin lah kejar pahala. Tuhan tu kan Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang :)

Unexpected things

Aku rasa benda-benda yang kau tak jangka/expect boleh jadi comel.

Macam kau suka someone ni, tapi unexpectedly later kau discover yang dia suka kau jugak,

Serius, comel jer.

Tapi macam biasa, hal-hal yang comel comel ni biasanya jarang berlaku kat orang yang tak berapa comel macam aku. Kesian.

Pasrah kejap.

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

Contoh

Kau cakap macam orang gila pun berkhutbah sana sini tung tang tung tang,
Isi dia satu jer :

Kalau kau tak mampu tunjuk contoh yang baik takde guna.

Macam cikgu disiplin aku masa sekolah dulu,
Hari hari dekat perhimpunan takde benda lain yang nak cakap, hari hari pasal disiplin pelajar yang kononya makin teruk makin tunjuk perangai memberontak

Pelajar jangan datang lambat. Pelajar jangan langgar peraturan sekolah. Pelajar jangan ponteng. Pelajar jangan hisap rokok. Pelajar jangan keluar kelas sebelum waktu p & p habis. Pelajar jangan lupa bagi salam.

Esok kau jumpa dia tengah jalan, kau bagi salam langsung tak jawab (mungkin dia tak tahu yang bagi salam tak wajib, jawab salam yang wajib)

Lusa, kau jumpa dia dekat kantin tengah hisap rokok sambil minum teh ais. Minggu depan kau jumpa dia pukul 7:40 baru terkedek masuk pagar sekolah.

Dah tu macam mana ni?

Senang jer, you lead by examples.

Panaih nya pd

Perempuan

Eh liyana,

Mungkin sekarang dah tiba masa nya kau belajar jadi perempuan sikit.
Berhenti lah sibuk sibuk nak jadi pemimpin, aktivis, peguam tersohor, jutawan terkemuka, kononnya nak bantu masyarakat,
Kerja kau sekarang adalah belajar jadi perempuan,
Bercakap macam perempuan, berjalan macam perempuan, senyum macam perempuan.

Dunia sekarang ni pelik, ramai sangat nak jadi Tuhan.
Semakin kau jadi diri sendiri semakin ramai yang anti,
Semakin kau fikir ke hadapan semakin ramai yang halang langkah kau,
Tak faham kan? Tak payah persoalkan diorang cakap itu bukan isu,

Definisi perempuan kita; pakai kain, pakai tudung, cakap lemah lembut, berjalan lemah gemalai,
Yang tu yang dikisahkan,
Hal tak jaga ikhtilat dengan bukan mahram, hal pemalas nak buat kerja, hal bilik bersepah, hal tak dekat dengan Tuhan,  hal hipokrit depan cakap lain belakang cakap lain,
Takde manusia yang kisah.

Cakap banyak pun tak guna,

Dunia kata kau yang pelik, syabas.


Mungkin diorang tak tahu, liyana maksudnya kelembutan. So basically by nature maybe aku memang lemah lembut. No? Nayy? No way? Hmmm.

Saturday, 4 April 2015

Lies

Betrayed

“I learned that if you open your heart and help people they’re going to eventually try to stab you to death”

Yup.

The first time I went through betrayal was when I was 19. It was not a fond memory of course; in fact I can still vividly remember each and every little thing that happened. After so many years of fighting and looking for reasons to justify the fault, I had finally come to the end where I am basically ready to let go and forgive. It was hard. People won’t imagine my struggle. I was basically fighting a losing battle, me against many. And yes if you’re talking about Malaysians you know how lousy we can be and how harsh the words used against me. I was left being devastated with everything including myself. I know that I have no control over people but what upset me most is the fact that I let people to take me for granted since the very beginning. I should not. Since that day, I consider loyalty above everything. It’s all or nothing with me. And yes I’m not limiting on loyalty between lovers but my definition includes faith and trust between friends and family members. Everything went well yes very well until recently.

One of my biggest mistakes is when I assume everyone is of the same heart and the same mind. I thought if I am being nice to people then they would do the same in return. What goes around comes around right? The answer is no, not necessarily. So, lately a ‘good’ friend of mine breaches my trust. You won’t imagine my feelings at that time.  She is my very close buddy and we've been friends since I can’t remember. We were very fond of each other and personally if someone stabbed me on my back; she is the last I would suspect. That is how much I trust her. So when I was told about what happened, I was ultimately blank.  I was sad honestly I still am.  I know that I should have let go and be okay with everything but I can’t. I wish I have the gut to talk to people and act like nothing is wrong but I am deeply hurt.  To be honest, I don’t favor myself right now. I have this mature, reliable, straight image not that I create such perceptions but I am literally born with it. Right now, those things are gone. I am preparing myself.

Being ridiculed twice, I doubt that I would trust anyone hmmm maybe not anymore.

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

3 EVENING DRESSES PERFECT TO WEAR TO DINNER PARTIES

Hello everyone,

It cannot be denied we get numerous invitations to dinner parties whether work related or not and finding the right evening dress to wear can be overwhelming at times. For the ladies who have no idea what to wear without going overboard can look at these three evening dresses. The women who want to look glamorous can opt for an evening dress with embellished jewels or sequins. However, make sure to choose an evening dress with embellishments that enhances your figure. Avoid selecting an evening dress with too much sequins or jewels as it would hide the beauty of your face.




The second type of evening dress is definitely a must-have for any women to store in their wardrobe at home is a black coloured evening dress. This is because black dresses are versatile for women to wear to any occasion or event without ever looking out of theme. Besides that, it can also be matched with anything and it will look gorgeous on you. One of the best reasons black colour dresses does is it gives women that nice slim figure. This can definitely help you hide the bulging tummy of yours after your dinner meal.





Lastly, every women should always have a pastel coloured evening dress in their safe keeping. Whether a beige, cream, pink, light yellow,lavender or light blue, pick the colour of the dress which complements you skin tone and flaunt it in front of others with confidence. Pastels will definitely bring out the elegant and feminine side of you. If you are wondering where to get these three beautiful types of evening dresses, have a look at ZALORA’s website as it offers a wide range of evening dresses online for women to choose from various local and international brands. 


Monday, 2 March 2015

Dear Lord,

When feelings of insecurity, jealousy, self doubt or any other bad feelings creep into my heart please help me to see myself the way you do. And always remind me that there are better things ahead if I don't give up now. If I ever do something or come across something that is against your religion, please don't let me stray away and lead me beautifully to the right path.

Saturday, 21 February 2015

Regrets are there, but gratitude is more

"I wish I could turn back time and change the past".

To be honest, I am actually quite happy and grateful with all the blessings that I have in this life. I know that this is not as perfect as I imagined, I messed up so many times and there were days where I get drowned with tons of regrets and wished that I could go back to past but honestly if time machine really exist, I don't think that I'm buying the offer. Not trying to be cocky, but I figure that life is a challenge and I don't see good things about being entirely prepared with everything. What makes life interesting and exciting is the unexpected moments, mistakes, wrongdoings and memories that we went through. So if we have the power to turn back time and correct things every time we commit a mistake, then life will lose its value.

If I can turn back time, of course I'll bring a lot of changes to my life and manhood as a whole. I'm going to tell my 7 year old self to spend less time studying and be adventurous instead, I'm going to tell my late grandparents how much I love them and how sorry I am for not taking good care of them when I was young, I'm going to meet all of my old friends and make more beautiful crazy memories, I'm going to tell my parents to stop worrying about me because I'll be doing okay. Honestly, I might even change the world. In a way yeah it sounds cool but at the end we will learn nothing.  And I think that is one of the reasons why we are not given such power or specialty; so that we make efforts to learn and improve ourselves.

The main reason why I come out with this entry is because of one of my younger sisters. I have a firm belief that it's okay to mess up sometimes, but for once she makes me wishing that I could turn back the clock. It was a total eye opener for me. We were not very close probably because of the age gap I was busy preparing for exams and school when she was growing up. So that explains our weird relationship but we are still sisters though. I remember not being fond of her at all, we'll call each other names and we did fight a lot. I was stupid of course because if someone calls me something unpleasant I should have take it easy but those days, I was young and stupid.

Yesterday, I sent her to her hostel. She's 16 now. Personally, I can't believe that she's already 16. Everything feels like yesterday. So after getting all her stuffs out of the car, I told her that I'm going back to Shah Alam this Friday to start the new semester and out of nowhere I got teary when I see this young lady in front of me with all her bags and books. When did she really grow up? What was I doing at that point of time? Did she had it easy? What makes me sad is that knowing that I wasn't there for her during her needs, and it's kind of disappointing that we don't have much memories of each other. We always had conflicts and I didn't appreciate her existence back then. I don't get to see her growing up that I wish I had. I was too busy fighting my own war, chasing my dreams, pursuing my ambitions to the extend that I take life as granted. I have always looking forward to the future and I didn't take much time to look around and cherish the memories.

Of course, we don't call each other names anymore, we don't fight anymore and these days we try to be close but there is still this small gap between us and I want this gap to vanish. I am actually quite close with my other sisters except her so that makes me feel very bad. In some ways I think I had failed my duty as the eldest sister and I wish I would have done better for both of us. If only I can turn back time I would definitely be a lot nicer to her.


Generally, it's normal to have regrets. People like me who makes mistakes wish that I am given a chance of going back in time. But unfortunately I can't and I know that there are reasons for it. Again, I love all the blessings I have in life and I think sometimes I have more than what I actually need but as a human there are some situations or events that makes me think that if I can go back to the past, I might do better.

Time to move on.







Saturday, 7 February 2015

#10


I really want to write, there are so many things going on with my life right now. I wish that I have a chance to sit down and express everything pent up inside me. But there's always something going on in between, I get busy or hmm I don't get the right feeling. Sometimes I get afraid that people might misunderstand my intention, I fear people too much to the extend that I can't speak up my mind.

This is bad. 

Monday, 19 January 2015

#9

I think one of the hardest parts in life is when you try to move on from something but there's always something else or someone trying to stop you from doing so. They will try to poison your mind with various things, sometimes they might even use your past to defeat you. Beware. And I realized that life is like that, you won't pass a challenge that easy. Each time you come out with a good idea to have a better living, there's always something along the way that will try to negative that away or just trying to stray you from the right path. It's hard, especially if you're not born with amazing high survival skills but hey I believe that we're not in the position to complain too because everyone is fighting their own battle, this is life. And life is supposed to be hard, so that you'll learn and make improvements. I've spent months and years thinking how to overcome this but honestly there's no way no solution. You just have to accept it  and live with it because hmm this is the reality we're living in. Sad.

And yeah lupa nak bagitau, exam is over. Good bye shah alam, I'm so not going to miss you at all, I'll be too happy berjimba and bercuti di rumah nanti. See you later in March insya Allah.


Thursday, 15 January 2015

#8




"We try to use words to shape and describe reality. However, reality changes words far more than words can ever change reality"

Thursday, 8 January 2015

#7

Hi.

I won't say that writing is my passion because I don't think that I'm good in it. But one thing for sure, I like to write and it feels good to write rather than to speak sometimes ( can't believe I make this statement only god knows how talkative I am lol ). I stopped writing in my old blog since I think last year and it is undeniable that sometimes I really miss it. The idea that I want to start a new blog was so sudden. I can't recall the specific reasons for that but I guess one of the them is because I want to portray a new me, a matured image I guess. My previous blog was like a sort of a living journal I started it when I was 13 or 14 I can't remember the specific date. So of course lah me being a 13 year old, kena lah ada rempit sikit the language was alien, the pictures were mostly hmm me dreaming of becoming a super model and my entries were basically just about me, my friends and how much I hate my school lol. Then I decided to start a new clean blog with different agenda and objectives that is; to write as an adult in a more matured view.

However, looking back at the entries in this blog, I don't think that I portrayed any matured view at all, hmm maybe not yet.

And to start this new era of adulthood, I didn't just create a new blog, I even make a new Facebook account. I didn't regret much with the Facebook part maybe because I do think it was reasonable for me to create a new one as my old Facebook was filled with strangers that I didn't even know. Tu lah dulu kerja approve jer maklumlah kejar likers. The annoying part is when the strangers were too much that I found it hard to find my 'real friends' among these virtual and I didn't find it safe to post private things anymore. So yeah basically no regret much about the Facebook account, starting a new one is such a wish solution so far.

The 'o' blog was private for so long then one day I decided to make it public again because I don't know I don't find it offensive to let people read the entries even though deep inside I have this thinking that goes 'what if people read the old entries' 'what if people think me being so childish for writing everything up' But then hey I realize that you can't stop people from talking and judging. And those entries were just me being myself and I have to accept it even though being myself means I have flaws, I wrote stupid entries, I was so childish and etc. Deep inside I am proud of myself because I managed to write all that and expressed my emotions and feelings in a quite positive way. Thanks to it, my mum had it easy haha as I don't go through that 'emotional-crazy-zaman-remaja-memberontak 24/7' stage that much. I wasn't that rebellious (yekeeee).

Also, another reason why I made it public again because there are so many youngsters and teenagers that asked me to do so. I do understand because there are some entries where I shared about my experience going to various camps and interviews so I think that might be helpful for them. Also, if you ever come across I did share about some of my early passion where I decided to write about law school  and me wanting to become a person with legal knowledge.

One thing that I can't forget and almost cost me a heart attack is when I was in the car with my mum and  out of no where she suddenly opened up about this topic; me and my blog. And to let you know my mum is a very busy woman I don't think she ever read mine and we had never discuss about this openly about me having a blog and this is due to many reasons One, I find it cliche to let my mum know because for me if she wants to know something she can directly asked me and I prefer that kind of method rather than like being a spy behind my back plus come on satu rumah kot if I ever get moody she'll be the first person to notice and secondly my god I iz malu what do you think you're going to let your mum read all the shits you write, no way! So honestly I was shocked when she talked about it and a little bit nervous I wasn't expecting anything tapi tak tau kenapa cuak pulak hahaha.

She told me that other teachers in her school asked about my blog and why I had it private. And my mum mentioned that one of her friends' daughter really love my writing and she even dream to become a lawyer after reading my entries. I was so touched and happy awww awwww. I don't know and it never cross my mind that I will be an inspiration to others. So to that girl, adik if you ever come across this I would like you to know that I am very thankful that you like it and I wish you all the best for your dreams :)

I don't think that this is an okay way to end an entry but what to do I am tired already, me being 21 makes me act like an old lady. Sorry, that's all.

Oh oh the title can be the hardest thing to think of when writing an entry. That's why these days I always go with #1, #2 and etc. Play the man!


May 2011. I was 17 okay, the gap ahhhh.

Sunday, 4 January 2015

#6

You can't change people

I've been living for so many years with the idea that if I really put my efforts, I might be able to change or re-shape someone the way I want his/her to be. But seriously after so many years of experimenting, I discovered that you can never change someone, ever. So get over the notion that you can change a guy or a girl because it won't work. People are born with  different styles so it's quite impossible for you to change that style to match with your standard.  You can't change someone plus it is unfair for them at the first place. 

You might be able to change his/her style or his sense of fashion or his choice of food or his favorite restaurants but deep inside, you can't ultimately change someone at their cores. They might change when you are around but most of the time they'll get back to their habit when you're away. Changes are good of course but they have to come from the person himself, the people around can only advise, support or trigger the intention but the action begins with the belief that "I must change for myself". You can bring the horse to the water but you can't force it to drink remember? 

Something I learn about people, if they do it once they'll do it again. Awas. 



Saturday, 3 January 2015

2015


John Green, Looking for Alaska.

Hello everyone,

Its 2015 yeayy we're getting older yeayy we can do what ever we want yeayy it's the age of freedom yeayyy. Honestly nope, it's not total freedom yet not until err excuse me do they really have total freedom? Okay never mind. 

I can't believe that its a new year. I mean everything feels like yesterday just can't believe that I'm 21 now. Wow, time flies man.I mean yesterday you were 20, last week you were 17 then zapp you're 21. I don't know whether I should be happy or excited with this new beginning but for sure I do feel a little bit sad and regret because maybe I'm getting older but another thing that bothers me most is I think I haven't done anything great to humanity as a whole. I don't think that I contribute enough to the community than I should be doing. If only I can spare more time with something beneficial rather than go to school, met up with people, sleep, eat, study and that's it That's why one of my hopes and goals for 2015 is for me to open up to the world and reach to other parts of the system that I haven't been able to experience. Insya Allah. I don't want to spend my youth doing nothing and at the end of the day regretting everything. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy my life, my friends and I, we do great stuffs too but I just want to you know do better things, mingle with more good people and enjoy life the way I should. I even thought of participating into more charity works. Yeah I would like to try that lah.

I don't really set up specific goals for 2015 probably because I know myself so well. Based on my experiences since the past 5 or 6 years, I am that type of person who is very eager and high at the beginning but towards the end, I will lost my sense then everything goes ups and downs. You won't imagine what happened but to be short, I kind of messed up everything haha.  So settling up specific goals is something that I did when I was in high school, it didn't work for me anymore. I don't want to have a 'must-do-list' or something like that because at the end I might achieve none of that. Maybe it would be better if I just go with the flow but make sure that I always on the right track towards my success. In my opinion, the most important thing is to know what you want in life, be consistent and work for it. So if you ask me my 'azam' for 2015 that is my answer, I set none but I focus more on achieving my previous goals  that I kept pent up inside since years.

You're 21, I wish you would act like a lady haha and stop thinking that you are young and it's okay to do stupid stuffs and all because honestly at this age, it's not okay. I think people will start taking you serious so come one liyana let's be a little bit decent alright. And ops one more thing, let's find a good guy to marry the one you love with all your heart. 

Good year, Insya Allah.






The most memorable and important people in life will be the families and friends who love me so much even though I know that I'm not very lovable haha. Thank you so mush for all the efforts and supports.