Dedicated to everyone who wonders if I'm writing about them. I do.

Saturday, 21 February 2015

Regrets are there, but gratitude is more

"I wish I could turn back time and change the past".

To be honest, I am actually quite happy and grateful with all the blessings that I have in this life. I know that this is not as perfect as I imagined, I messed up so many times and there were days where I get drowned with tons of regrets and wished that I could go back to past but honestly if time machine really exist, I don't think that I'm buying the offer. Not trying to be cocky, but I figure that life is a challenge and I don't see good things about being entirely prepared with everything. What makes life interesting and exciting is the unexpected moments, mistakes, wrongdoings and memories that we went through. So if we have the power to turn back time and correct things every time we commit a mistake, then life will lose its value.

If I can turn back time, of course I'll bring a lot of changes to my life and manhood as a whole. I'm going to tell my 7 year old self to spend less time studying and be adventurous instead, I'm going to tell my late grandparents how much I love them and how sorry I am for not taking good care of them when I was young, I'm going to meet all of my old friends and make more beautiful crazy memories, I'm going to tell my parents to stop worrying about me because I'll be doing okay. Honestly, I might even change the world. In a way yeah it sounds cool but at the end we will learn nothing.  And I think that is one of the reasons why we are not given such power or specialty; so that we make efforts to learn and improve ourselves.

The main reason why I come out with this entry is because of one of my younger sisters. I have a firm belief that it's okay to mess up sometimes, but for once she makes me wishing that I could turn back the clock. It was a total eye opener for me. We were not very close probably because of the age gap I was busy preparing for exams and school when she was growing up. So that explains our weird relationship but we are still sisters though. I remember not being fond of her at all, we'll call each other names and we did fight a lot. I was stupid of course because if someone calls me something unpleasant I should have take it easy but those days, I was young and stupid.

Yesterday, I sent her to her hostel. She's 16 now. Personally, I can't believe that she's already 16. Everything feels like yesterday. So after getting all her stuffs out of the car, I told her that I'm going back to Shah Alam this Friday to start the new semester and out of nowhere I got teary when I see this young lady in front of me with all her bags and books. When did she really grow up? What was I doing at that point of time? Did she had it easy? What makes me sad is that knowing that I wasn't there for her during her needs, and it's kind of disappointing that we don't have much memories of each other. We always had conflicts and I didn't appreciate her existence back then. I don't get to see her growing up that I wish I had. I was too busy fighting my own war, chasing my dreams, pursuing my ambitions to the extend that I take life as granted. I have always looking forward to the future and I didn't take much time to look around and cherish the memories.

Of course, we don't call each other names anymore, we don't fight anymore and these days we try to be close but there is still this small gap between us and I want this gap to vanish. I am actually quite close with my other sisters except her so that makes me feel very bad. In some ways I think I had failed my duty as the eldest sister and I wish I would have done better for both of us. If only I can turn back time I would definitely be a lot nicer to her.

Generally, it's normal to have regrets. People like me who makes mistakes wish that I am given a chance of going back in time. But unfortunately I can't and I know that there are reasons for it. Again, I love all the blessings I have in life and I think sometimes I have more than what I actually need but as a human there are some situations or events that makes me think that if I can go back to the past, I might do better.

Time to move on.

Saturday, 7 February 2015


I really want to write, there are so many things going on with my life right now. I wish that I have a chance to sit down and express everything pent up inside me. But there's always something going on in between, I get busy or hmm I don't get the right feeling. Sometimes I get afraid that people might misunderstand my intention, I fear people too much to the extend that I can't speak up my mind.

This is bad.