Dedicated to everyone who wonders if I'm writing about them. I do.

Saturday, 4 April 2015

Lies

Betrayed

“I learned that if you open your heart and help people they’re going to eventually try to stab you to death”

Yup.

The first time I went through betrayal was when I was 19. It was not a fond memory of course; in fact I can still vividly remember each and every little thing that happened. After so many years of fighting and looking for reasons to justify the fault, I had finally come to the end where I am basically ready to let go and forgive. It was hard. People won’t imagine my struggle. I was basically fighting a losing battle, me against many. And yes if you’re talking about Malaysians you know how lousy we can be and how harsh the words used against me. I was left being devastated with everything including myself. I know that I have no control over people but what upset me most is the fact that I let people to take me for granted since the very beginning. I should not. Since that day, I consider loyalty above everything. It’s all or nothing with me. And yes I’m not limiting on loyalty between lovers but my definition includes faith and trust between friends and family members. Everything went well yes very well until recently.

One of my biggest mistakes is when I assume everyone is of the same heart and the same mind. I thought if I am being nice to people then they would do the same in return. What goes around comes around right? The answer is no, not necessarily. So, lately a ‘good’ friend of mine breaches my trust. You won’t imagine my feelings at that time.  She is my very close buddy and we've been friends since I can’t remember. We were very fond of each other and personally if someone stabbed me on my back; she is the last I would suspect. That is how much I trust her. So when I was told about what happened, I was ultimately blank.  I was sad honestly I still am.  I know that I should have let go and be okay with everything but I can’t. I wish I have the gut to talk to people and act like nothing is wrong but I am deeply hurt.  To be honest, I don’t favor myself right now. I have this mature, reliable, straight image not that I create such perceptions but I am literally born with it. Right now, those things are gone. I am preparing myself.

Being ridiculed twice, I doubt that I would trust anyone hmmm maybe not anymore.