Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in and everyone hates me. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I look at the mirror but I can't find myself. Sometimes out of nowhere you suddenly miss everything but you can't specifically mention what 'everything' is. Sometimes I long for people I haven't met in real life but I believe they exist. Sometimes I feel like driving alone, listening to some odd radio channels that I won't bother on my normal days. Sometimes I feel like going out with random friends and have a nice coffee date. Sometimes I don't feel like talking, laughing or even looking at the world. Sometimes I crave for my alone time but realize that it might be too boring. Sometimes someone mentioned a very small little thing but it affects me the most.
I guess when your age starts to bloom to 20 plus, people will start asking about your private life including your love relationship. And honestly I am not very comfortable and confident with the topic nor that I am ready to discuss it openly. I still consider myself as 'young' and I don't see any reasons why finding a guy should be my ultimate life goal at this moment.I mean of course finding the right guy is important but that only matters if you're thinking of marrying that person. If it's just for the sake of occupying your alone time or just filling up the gap hmm better find a hobby or find a good book. At least you'll gain something. If I decided to be with someone to keep up with the trend or because I'm the only single person in the group or I'm afraid that people might labelled me as 'tak laku' then I don't think I'm being good and honest to myself. And I think this is one of the contributing factors to the failure of many love relationships nowadays. We misunderstand other feelings with love. So these days every time I find a guy and he finds me 'hmm okay' and I find him 'hmm okay', I will ask myself whether is it true I am admiring this guy in front of me or is it just because I'm lonely or my friends ask me to go for it. If you take that 2 minutes to really wonder around you'll find the best answer for yourself.
Personally I have no problems with people having boyfriends, in fact I respect those who can manage their life quite well despite all the commitments. Me on the other hand can barely cope and juggle with everything, I don't see myself taking in another commitment and rearranging everything again. Not now and not that I can manage that hmm maybe nayyy. Of course when you are at my age and you see people went out for dates with their special ones, sometimes I can't help myself from wondering when will I get to experience all those things. Honestly lovebirds are cute sometimes hehe. But as far as I'm concerned these kind of thoughts didn't come across me everyday. Usually I find myself 'memberontak' (haha term takleh bla) for a boyfriend on very very very very lonely days where I can't find anything fun to do, or when I'm hungry but have no one to teman me out for dinner or when I want to go to library but can't find people who are nerds enough to be my study mates, that's when I yearn for romantic relationships.
Other than that, I think I am better alone.
I guess this is the simplest and best answer I can provide to all those asking for now. The thing is I am searching for one (not that I'm ignorant tak kisah tunggu jodoh dari langit ke apa) but it's hard to find a decent guy these days. Plus looking at myself I doubt that guys are actually interested in me hahaha. But honestly if I find a guy, I'll introduce him to the world. Don't worry hahahaha.
Alaa isn't the best relationships usually begin unexpectedly?
Sometimes when I get too busy with life and I miss myself, I will read my old zaman rempitzz entries, unfinished entries or some posts that I will never publish to public because of some personal reasons. It gives me some sort of satisfaction and happiness to know that I'm living my life quite well despite all the struggles and problems (some are self created btw). Plus I feel glad to know that they are not permanent either, after some time we'll go through the 'impossible to be done' things with ease. Back then I thought I won't be able to get through some of the shits but now, look at you *standing proud*.You're doing quite well. One thing that I realize about struggle and hard work is that they never betray, always go well as what I planned. Its either I'm getting better or my determination and endurance get stronger. Or maybe both. Mistakes have the power to turn you into something better than you were before. I don't know whether I am stupid ke apa but once I manage to overcome all the hardships, automatically I will forget all the bad days. Maybe my brain dah refused to remember them anymore macam "dah dah aku tak nak ingat dah, benda lama jangan dikenang" hahaha.
So people in case you are struggling and you thought that there's no hope. Think again.You can do this, you just have to be mentally and physically prepared. That's all. This is the beginning of anything you want.
I find this beautiful and I suddenly have the urge to share it tehee.
Miracles happen. Sometimes not in the fantasy magical forms we see in movies or in books that we read. Sometimes miracles happen in a more abstract and subjective forms. Like surviving things you thought you won't make it. One of the most clear examples for me: Law school.
Honestly I can't believe the fact that I'm already 21. I macam my god you're 21 now liyana, not a young girl anymore. Dah boleh kawen dah tapi since takde orang nak please lupakan hasrat tu. Everything feels like yesterday, woww. Its amazing. I still can vividly remember my school days, I was always that one girl who will be late hmm literally every morning and I always have to queue or be in the line with other late comers. That always-late girl is becoming a lawyer now. So to those people who judged me without knowing the reasons why I was late or whatever stupid actions I took back then well you can shut your mouth up.Some people thought I was a problematic, spoiled and psychopath who is also quite arrogant and over confident girl hahaha. Whatever your definition of me I didn't care, I don't care and I'm not even bothered by it .I know I was always late but I always finish my homework I'm the style yang prefer burning the whole night doing my homework on my own rather than datang awal tapi tiru kerja sekolah orang lain. Hahaha definitely not me. And to that one teacher who seems like he had lost faith in me, aww cikgu I'm doing good now. Thanks for the all the discouragements I'm doing well on my own :)
Then the struggled I put for SPM, the friends and experiences I obtained in high schooll. After SPM, I did my foundation in Merbok Kedah, the hostel, first time being far away from my parents, first lecture, the kind lecturers. I still remember all the moments. One whole year of foundation which I did quite okay then I was accepted to do degree in law in Shah Alam. First semester, second semester, and now I'm in my fifth semester or a 3rd year law student. Woww as I look back I realize time really flies. Can't believe I'm in my fifth sem now, this is something that I don't see coming I mean not as fast as this. I thought I was not going to survive even the first semester kot, the beginning was hard. It took me quite some effort and time to be here today, standing proudly as myself. It was not an easy journey and I know that I can never survive this alone without all the supports from my friends and family especially my parents. God really blessed me with a lot of great and helpful friends along the journey. Some people are so nice and I don't know how grateful and happy I am for their existence. I want to always keep them close and do fun stuffs together, I want to come to their weddings, get to know their children and all. Jauh sangat fikir liyana oiii.
Tapi betul thank you for all the encouragements, advises, scoldings for the sake of a better liyana. I had improve a lot hahaha but don't worry I'll keep improving insya Allah. I still remember there were days where I don't know myself and I thought I won't make it but these people, they just have faith in me more than I ever did for myself. And I know one of the reasons I'm doing good and okay until today is because of their trust, faith and support on me which I hate to dissppoint them. I mean how can you disappoint those who mean the world to you kan?
I hope everything will be good. I hope I'll end this whole degree with flying colors. Sit back and rilex I'll make myself proud!