Dedicated to everyone who wonders if I'm writing about them. I do.

Tuesday, 27 December 2016

Life and Death

Can't believe that on this lovely sunny morning, I'm writing about death.

Honestly, we have to admit that the idea of 'dying' do cross our minds sometimes, even not often.

Sometimes, I cannot contain myself from wondering about this. Maybe as I grew older, I have the tendency to be reminiscent of the time I'd spent, the sins I'd committed be it intentionally or unintentionally. Of course these kind of thoughts didn't come often, but when it does it makes me feel nostalgic, overwhelmed, sad and a little bit worried because to be honest there were days where I was unable to resist  sins and temptations of this world plus I don't think I'd live proper enough to be in heaven but hopefully Allah, the most merciful will forgive all my wrongdoings and place me in the proper place He wish to set me in.

Obviously, I am not ready to die well no one is ready for that by the way. We all want to live for the next two hundred years with good health and money isn't it? But well that's not how this world works. It's just that when it happens, it happens. Everyone will go through it, by hook or by crook. Either we're ready for it or not is well not much of an issue. One of my friends told me if we're given  'ready' to be the option to postpone things or wait until we're fully ready, chances are we are not going to be one even in the next 100 years because as humans, we're never ready.  Remember when we didn't study much for an exam, but we still have to sit for it regardless of the fact that we're not much prepared for it. The same principle applies when it comes to death.

Thoughts about death make me ponder about a lot of things, whether I had lived my life well? If I die, am I going to be in heaven or am I going to be dumped in the hell? I wonder about how my grandparents, relatives, friends who'd passed away before me, how are they doing down there?I hope they're doing fine, my prayers are always with them. I wonder if I die, is there anyone who's going to cry? Is there anyone who's going to get affected with my absence? I'm sure there will be at least a handful of people but I hope my death will bring them more strength than sorrow. If I die, what is going to happen to my family? Who's going to take care of my parents when they're sick? What about all my blog posts? Hopefully, someone close to me has the conscious to delete all my instagram posts, facebook posts whatsoever. I mean I have to prevent all kind of sins, am I? The blog posts well I hope they remain as they are right now because who knows someone might be missing me after I die and the only option for them is through my writing but someway somehow I'm a little conflicted because bad posts might unintentionally attract you more sins in the afterlife, isn't it? So, not sure.

In short, what I can conclude is basically I do fear death, and most of it is due to the fact that I'm not prepared for it. I can't say that I'm going to be more pious or an ustazah  or terus bertafakur on the sejadah and baca Quran 24/7 after this hahaha, the chances for those things to happen are actually quite low. In fact, I might just continue life the way I used to but with a little bit of appreciation and reminder that the time I spend on this  earth is not permanent. It somehow motivates me to enjoy life, to set my purposes right, to chase my dreams when I still have time  and finally to do more and more good things and contribute to the world as a whole.

In the end, isn't that the main reason we're here today? To suffer, to learn and to change.


Thursday, 15 December 2016

Crazy weeks

So, I have two tests tomorrow and I'm so stressed right now. Now wait a minute, am I really stressed? Hmm maybe not, actually everything is fine except the fact that I haven't study or revise a thing on Solicitor's Account but well they say everything will be fine if you believe in yourself right? So I'm just going to keep calm and believe in myself because errr hmm because I think I'm the best lol. I know so over confident lah you right now, but honestly at this stage where you just have so many things to juggle, the best thing you can do is to sit back and do each thing slowly, passionately. Insya Allah, you'll be fine *pat myself*

Yup two tests tomorrow, Solicitor's Account and Criminal Procedure which will end at 11pm (Hopefully someone can remain conscious and jangan tidur during the tests :p ) and the good news is I also have a viva on Saturday for Forensic Science hahaha. I just can't say anything anymore, just laugh because my life is crazy. I'm not sure what others are thinking but my schedule is so absurd and messed up. Totally ripped off my whole energy. Then I'll have a break on Sunday (which paling bangang I have to prepare for all the coming tests and viva on this one and only day, rip my weekend). On Monday, I have viva convey. Tuesday, tort test, Wednesday, evidence test and have to submit one of the files for probate, Friday-contract presentation and family test. Saturday- hearing for probate. Crazy, basically I'll have no break at all, none until this semester ends. I really hope all these madness will come to an end please I cannot wait for any break because my life right now is going way too fast that I can't even control the pace I'm moving. But as you know, just when I thought I can finally sleep once the 14th week end, something crossed my mind : The finals! 

*pengsan*

#ilovemylife  #iloveallthetests #iloveLLB #LLBiseasy #siapasuruhmasukllb #padanmuka #siapasuruhnakjadilawyer #testislife #pasrahandredha  #keepingmyselfsane #lifegoals

Cannot senyum anymore.


p/s: God, give me all the strength, health and luck that I need!

Monday, 7 November 2016

#randompost1


It's absurd how unfair the world is; I mean look at the world we're living right now. If you have the beauty, if you're the eye candy, if you're rich - you basically have all the attention. Even though most of the time, you didn't earn all that glory at the first place. You didn't deserve it. Pardon me for being so negative and insensitive but that's what I see or experience right now. You have to be pretty to be recognized, or if you're born rich. You basically have everyone on your side. No, I'm not being paranoid or hateful about pretty kids or rich kids, I have no problem with them. I just have an issue with people who totally rely on their look to keep the ball rolling. I mean, come on put some efforts and have some pride will ya? Also, it does bother me how skeptical we have become towards those things, we end up less appreciating our variance. We forgot that some people are born pretty, some are born with the brain, some people are born to do great in music, sports or maybe in arts. Who knows what the future holds?  and I realized  the saddest part is, the one who do all the work, the one who should get all the credits end up unnoticed. 

They say "do not complain, if you want to survive, just do what you've been told to".

This is me being bitter. The end. 


Thursday, 22 September 2016

Adapting myself


I'm not sure how to explain the life I'm living in right now but I guess the perfect word is : adapting

I'm adjusting or adapting myself with this new environment. When I did my BLS (semester one until semester six), I basically won't be in the faculty except if I have classes or I need to do some discussion or reading with my friends. In short, I didn't find spending so much time at such a boring place is good or entertaining, the only reason I was there because of obligation. That's all.

But now I'm in LLB, we have this system 8am to 5pm where you have to punch in at 8 and you may leave the office at the earliest 5pm (read 10pm). I mean even though we can start punch out at 5 but there's so so many work to be done, I'd most of the time came home at night. Crazy isn't it? I mean imagine you have classes to attend, at the same time you have to do all the files, presentation, tests, hearing, trial matters and etc my god you name it. I used to think that I have so many spare time but now hmmmm 24 hours is not enough. I wish I have more! This week is my second week of LLB and  my routine is something like this, woke up at 6am, left home at 7am something then just spent my entire day at the office, finish some work and then spent the whole day with my firm mates. The earliest I came home everyday is at 8 but there are days where I'm still there at 9pm or 10pm. Guess this is the reality once I start my chamber or working. At least I have some experience so later once I start working, I can be like "bring it on"!

On the bright side, my firm mates are so helpful and funny. I do feel pressured  especially when there's important matters need to be figured out but these guys are so hyper to the extend I someway somehow are influenced by this positive vibes. Hahahahahahahaha.


Saturday, 17 September 2016

I'm in LLB now!

Assalamualaikum people!

We are already in the middle of September and  you know what September is all about? Yass new semester! Finally yes finally people, I'm a final year student now. I'm in LLB *wipe tears* Just another plus minus one year then I'm out of this hell and insya Allah, a lawyer! Hopefully 

You know when I was a freshman, I used to be very excited when the school starts like yahoo I can finally go back to campus and do crazy stuffs with my friends hahaha. You know I'm a very simple person like I get excited over simplest things in life as well as I can make smallest things as complicated as hell. So back then things like new semester, new classes really hype me up. However as I grew older I became more dull and more boring (all the blame goes to the thick serious law books I've read for making me like this), I do not see any reasons to get excited over stuffs like that. I have this idea "Alaaa, new semester jerrr punnnn lek lek dah laaa". Only juniors excited over these kind of stuffs, the seniors are usually very laid back and skipped the whole first two weeks of classes to go berjimba and berjoli (have fun). Yup very bad example hahaha. 

I actually skipped the first two weeks of classes last semester at home sleeping and eating, I know I can be very bangang and stupid and Idk you name it so kids please do not do this. I wish I can undo this you know because when I'd realized the fact that I skipped classes only causes me more headache. I skipped that much so basically only god knows how many hours I'd spent on my own to catch up things. Go to class you lazy! I know that I am not an exemplary one at all, not the kind of student whom the educationists are going to be proud of. Honestly I skipped classes sometimes but not that much. I'm not that 100 percent attendance kind of student. I mean its not that I'd never mess up with my attendance but I usually know my limit. Dia macam okay ponteng boleh tu boleh tapi sekali sekala dah la. For every subject dua tiga kali dah cukup kot, do not go over the board by ponteng everything. Hmm yang tu namanya kau berlagak pandai. I usually go to class, sit during the lecturers but you know once in a while if there's something going on, you just don't have any choice, you have to skip it. 

Oh come on why am I talking about skipping classes, how many times I'd skipped my classes and etc.?Why? Why? There's so many things to talk about how can you end up talking about this unhealthy dangerous thing Liyana?

Okay this Monday is going to be my second week in LLB. I'm in Group A, my firm is Firm 1 and someway somehow I was appointed by my firm mates as the Senior Partner (SP). Some of you guys might be wondering what is SP, the job scope and etc. To be honest I'm not sure about it myself but SP is basically the leader of the team. You have to assign things, how the firm works basically depends on the SP (of course other partners play major role as well). I didn't know the importance of having or being a reliable SP when I see and hear stories from my seniors of how the firms turn to shipwrecks due to failure of SP and lack of cooperation from the partners.

I don't know on what basis they appoint me as one, I'm not even sure whether I suit the position or not but I've been thinking about this for one whole week and my conclusion is, it's not about competency not about you are competent for this or not but once you're appointed you have responsibilities to bear, a name to represent and you have to make it work. No matter what. I can just say no at the very beginning but I chose to say yes so I have to do this. The reason why I said yes when my firm mates recommend my name was I thought I can carry the burden. I mean I'd been the class representative for 3 to 4 semesters, I like working with people, leading was never a problem for me. Back in school, I was in the high committee for every clubs that I joined. So I thought nahh this is easy but much that I know, this is really a huge thing. I was really in doubt of my own capabilities the last few days but gained my self consciousness back when I was reminded of my firm mates and how they'd put their trust on me. I mean these people trust me to be their SP, how can I not trust myself?

You can do this. You got this. You're going to be fine. You'll do great!






 These are my firm mates, the people I'm going to spend my whole final year with. Introducing from left: Iasya, Syaza, Ima, me and Kaka. The only guy in our firm is Firdaus. We haven't got the right time to take proper pictures of our firm yet since it has only been a week but insyaAllah by this week, we're going to take pictures. Definitely going to upload them on insta!


Thursday, 18 August 2016

Yeah right a title huh?

Assalamualaikum people,

Yes I'm back lol I'm not sure whether this is something to celebrate or not, am I even welcomed to this place actually? Whatever it is, I'm just going to pretend that my existence is much appreciated, don't worry I'm particularly good at things like that (pretending you're fine and not affected while in reality you are).

So I'm not really sure what to write as honestly there's no huge dramatic life that happen to me the past few weeks. All I did was sleeping, watching movies, drama, more movies, hang out with some friends at malls, plan for holidays (which tak pernah jadi someway somehow). I don't know I feel like being cursed or something. Every time I planned for a holiday with my friends, there must be something get in our way. My friends and I had once planned to go to Krabi this sem break but unfortunately we have to cancel the plan. The latest is last week, Haifa and I planned to have a one night stay at this new resort in Terengganu and have some sort of like a road trip with good food and relaxing time for one or couple of days something but unfortunately Haifa and her family was involved in an accident few days ago and we have to cancel the plan. I heard that their conditions are not really bad except that her mother broke her arm but the rest are fine (only wounded here and there). I pray that everything will be fine. She texted me the night that they had the accident and I was kind of worried. The next day I saw the picture of their accident, with cars being crashed so badly I was shocked because she seemed fine. Personally I didn't expect it to be that bad. Yesterday I heard from Shefa that Haifa's mother is finally discharge, I feel like visiting her probably next week. I feel bad that a friend has to go through such a tragedy and I sincerely pray that everything will be fine for her and her family. InsyaAllah, with every difficulty comes ease. 

Since the day I was informed about Haifa's unfortunate event, I become some sort of paranoid of driving. In simple words, I find myself being more cautious than I used to when it comes to driving. I know to call that as a trauma or a paranoia is kind of annoying because I'm not the one that experience that at the first place and its not that I hope that it will happen to me (hopefully no) but you see the picture of her accident and her car being damaged, affected me so much and it had kind of scared the hell out of me. To begin with, I'm not the type who gets scared easily and of course I bet many of you guys will be saying 'Liyana, there's like thousands accidents happened everyday world wide". I know peeps, I know you guys are not the only smart one here *coughing* but probably because it happened to someone close to me, I cannot avoid myself from develop some sort of negativity you know. I changed in a positive way of course, I started to become more patient, more tolerant and hey I drive slower than I used to lol. I'm not sure this is an achievement,  honestly I'm not sure whether normal person will find this as something to be proud of at the first place, but as someone who obviously lacks in patience (especially when it comes to driving because some Malaysian drivers are really really really...*inserts whatever word that comes to your mind*) I deserve at least a high five or a pat on my back. It's okay *pat myself*

Haifa is the one in the middle. On her right is Ecah and on her left is me. Oh yeah excuse my face, this was taken when I was in semester 4 I was pretty naive back then. I haven't discover the beauty and power of make up yet hahahaha.

Wait a minute, I thought I didn't have anything to share with you guys but what happened, how can this entry be so long hahaha. I discovered that I have this talent of making things or stories longer than they should be. Is this really a talent? For example, if I want to share something with my friends. I will usually take so much time to finish it because I would start from A to Z like I won't miss a thing. My friends always said that listening to my stories be like listening to a case in the court because I won't miss anything in case it can be crucial part of an evidence. What to do, law school makes me like this *roll eyes*

Okay guys, I have some work to do. I'll update something later InsyaAllah. Take care!

Thursday, 21 July 2016

Dealing with your parents' divorce


I think only few of us talk about what it's like to grow up with divorced parents. Some might refer to it as 'broken family' but personally I don't prefer that term. Just because your parents are separated, that doesn't mean your whole life has comes to an end, or your whole family institution had shuttered down. Sometimes, the fact that your parents decided to lead their own different life might be a positive change to the whole family.

I was kind of reluctant to talk or write about this topic at the every beginning because as a child from separated parents, I wasn't sure how and what to write. I'm not sure whether my words are going to comfort, heal people or is it going to give more damages  but I thought the best thing I could do is to at least share my experience. They say, an untold story never heals. Thus, I would like to take this opportunity to totally clear my mind, clarify some facts and you know just let things go. 

The thing is we have increasing number of divorce cases everyday yet we still find the word 'divorce' as a total taboo that everyone wanted to avoid. Something need to be done not only to prevent it to happen but also to provide methods or solutions when it occurs. In most cases when divorce happened, I find that the real issue is not between two struggling adults who obviously can't stand each other anymore for whatever reasons it might be, but the real one is on the children (if they have any).  The children are the one to be affected the most, they are going to experience a total change of living, they have to deal with the world that perceives 'if your parents are separated you are a total failure' kind of thinking and etc. 

So my parents were separated when I was in high school. Honestly, none of my school friends knew about it until high school ended where I decided to tell some of my close friends and by now I expected that the fact is known to others as well. I tried to keep it secret, as best as I could because I wasn't ready for people to judge me. Of course at that point of time I was having a really hard time juggling with studies as well as my family problems  and I was basically emotionally unstable, frustrated and stressed most of the time I guess. The fact that I did quite well in high school despite all the struggles were totally blessings from God. I won't make it on my own. I don't know how I did it, but it just happened.

Plus, I am the eldest in my siblings. I have 4 younger sisters, my youngest at that time didn't even started her preschool yet so imagine you're in your puberty but you still have to deal with stuffs that most of your friends aren't experiencing. I didn't have any choice rather than to act strong, to prepare and heal myself. Basically I don't have anyone to talk to. I couldn't discuss it with my mother as she was struggling on her own (even though we're close). I can't really share with my sisters as they are way younger than me, they might not understand the whole idea to begin with. The only thing I did to express myself was to write in my diary about how I actually felt. I always felt  some sort of pressure to portray a happy image. I always thought that as the eldest I have to pull myself together, I'd to restrain myself as best as I could. If  the eldest can't handle it, then what about the others?

Even though my parents had officially separated when I was in high school, they've been struggling I think long time before that. I can't specifically remember when and how it started but I'm sure that life wasn't harmonious way before that. Serious matters like you know divorce they aren't decided in one night. Its not like you woke up this morning and decided that 'oh I want to get a divorce today' or 'this morning I figured out that I didn't love you'. Of course not. There's a lot of factors that contribute to the termination of the relationship and as a daughter I'd always tell myself to respect whatever the decisions and reasons for that. I used to question it like how can two persons who'd live almost 20 years of their life together, finally decided they didn't love each other? I thought true love never fades away, they told me family is the most important asset one can ever have, yet they decided to live separately? I know that I'm not the only one with those questions, anyone in the same situation of mine can definitely  relate with it. 

However as I grew up I discovered that I can't expect everything to be fine. Life isn't a fairy tale and no family is as perfect as the movies make it looks like. My mother and my father have different life, they come from different backgrounds before they met each other and decided to have us. As the child, you might thought that you know everything but it isn't as simple as that. Your father might be a great father to you, but he might be a shitty husband that you didn't know. Your mother might be a great ideal woman but a bad wife. That's why I decided not to judge my parents for their decision, instead I embrace it and try to view it in a more positive perspective. Maybe if they're still together, they won't be as happy as they are right now. I decided not to be selfish, just because I wasn't glad with that, I don't think that it is right for my parents to stay together for us and fake everything out. I want us to be together but, as much as that I still want them to be happy. That's at least I can do as a child, to let them choose what makes them happy.

I think as much as their decision affects us the children, I'm pretty sure that it affects them more. They'd spent their entire life together, to end it must cost them a lot of things. Until this day, I still haven't find the specific answers to all my questions but I figured out one thing, in every relationship there might comes a point where the damage is too much and you can't save it. Thus you have to let it go so that it grows on their own. You might get hurt because of that but maybe if you decide to keep it, the more the damage.  Let go, and just cherish the memories you had. 

There used to be a time where I felt so depressed and unhappy because all I did was focusing on what I didn't have, instead of appreciating of what I have. I thought that my life wasn't good as I don't have a perfect family. I was developing so many insecurities and I kept questioning myself what's wrong, what's the real problems and etc. I didn't realize that I was basically beating myself up, mentally and spiritually. I think few years later after I went to pursue my study I figured out that 'oh I still have a family'. Just because my parents are separated, we are still a family. I still have my sisters, my mother and my father. The fact that we're not living in the same household doesn't change the fact that we are scientifically and biologically related.

Once I entered university life, I discovered that there's no perfect family. Everyone has family issues, their parents might not be separated but they might struggling in other aspects you can't imagine. Thus, do not feel down or sad just because your parents aren't together. You will realize that your life is way better than  most of half of your friends. I found some people whom their parents are still living together but struggled more than what I'd experienced. That's when I feel thankful and blessed. Mine might not live together but honestly my life is way easier as it used to be, and I can tell that most of us are happier than it used to be before the separation. Of course once in a while, I miss the environment where I still have my papa with me, my ummi and all my younger sisters living together but that idea didn't come often.  Probably because I respect the situation and I know that everyone is happy with what we have right now.  I know that you can't turn back time, but you can at least enjoy it. 

If your parents are getting a divorce or had already separated, you might be having a hard time. My advise is do not pressure yourself. I used to think and feel like one of the reasons why they had to resort to such choice was because of me. I thought I wasn't a good daughter like raising me up is hard for my parents to deal with to extend where they have to end the relationship. You might thought your parents don't love you, or you might believe that you had ruin the family and etc. I know because I'd felt all that. If you're feeling the exact same, please don't. You're not at fault, at all.

Trust me it will take some time for you to understand everything. But one day, you will. 








Wednesday, 20 July 2016

Finding my motivation

I must have lost my motivation somewhere because right after the final exam ends, I somehow lost my will and soul to live. My last paper was two days ago, and the only thing I did was probably eat, watch movies/series,  hang out with few friends, sleep and repeat those three things unconditionally. I hope this lifeless-state of mine is temporary though. I hope the reason why I feel so lazy and demotivated about everything is because I'm still tired, my body can't adapt well yet. Well I did went out with couple of friends to mall and favorite eateries but still I feel some sort of loss and awkwardness, probably because I'd used to spent my days with books, trying to remember all the cases and worrying how the questions going to turn out, and yeah praying and wishing with all my heart that I won't forget important stuffs during exams.

During the exam weeks, all I ever wanted was to end the struggle, this semester was so tough with 7 killer subjects. I was totally drained. All I ever wished was to go home, enjoy my break with my family, eat good food and just you know have enough sleep like others (only sleep for 2 3 hours during finals *sad*) But now as finals had come to an end, I feel a little bit weird.  For instance, I used to sleep around 1 or 2 am in the morning then woke myself up for the next few hours to continue my revision. I used to complain how fast my night was, I mean I just spent few hours to study but its already 12 am, or I thought I was resting for 5 minutes but it has been thirty,  you get what I mean? Now that I don't have anything to compel myself to, I found myself having too much 'free time' like ample lots of free time. They say time flies but I kind of doubt that these days. They must have lost their wings somewhere and have no other option rather than to walk with their own foots.

So the past few days, I figured out one important lesson. One, what you really wanted is not necessarily what you need. We'd always be less grateful with what we have, always think someone have it better than us. We failed to realize the fact that maybe what we have right now is the best for us, at least. The only thing I wanted was to end the final so that I can have fun and get my so called normal life back, but in the end I realize maybe to end that not as fun as I expected. What is normal by the way? Is not having exams normal? Maybe to have tests, assignments to be submitted, to feel chocked up and stressed because work keep piling up is the normal one. And not having anything to do is the odd one? Don't you think so? Sometimes you set your expectations high, but in reality it's not as good as what you expected. That's when you figured out you wants might not be what you actually need.

I guess I should end this here, dah terlampau banyak mengarut. I hope I pass all the papers and can continue with my final year (LLB). Please pray for me, thank youuuu.










Yes, the pictures were taken right after I finished my last paper, that explains the ugly face expressions pff.

Saturday, 16 July 2016

#72



Last week, something really really really bad happened and it affected me so much. I was moody for few days because of that. Things are way better now but honestly deep inside, I still have some frustration and sorrow. I did tell myself to let go "come on liyana, let the shit go" but you know sometimes when something is so shitty, you have to take some time before you can totally heal. I cried myself to sleep I didn't talk to people, I was basically alone because I know no matter what I'm doing people are going to misunderstand it or interpret that differently. I was so down, so disappointed and so lifeless to extend I feel like locking myself in a room and just cry. Its hard and it hurts to live among people who can't understand you.

I just want to say one thing, you'd burned the bridge. Then do not ask me why I don't visit.

You've got this

"You've got this. Or so you keep telling yourself. You've got this. And then you don't do anything. You've got this. and more excuses are made. And you can't get past where you are at. Being stuck is worse than taking a step towards progress but you just can't make the move. You can't figure out why. You keep telling yourself you should be further ahead, that you should be doing more, that you should be more successful, have a better career or business. That you should have 'x' because you believe you'll feel better in the having of it. All of these should-a-would-a-could-a isn't working for you, are they? 

What if you just let go? What would happen if you decided that you are brilliant, special, unique, different and owning this is perfect? What if you realize at this very moment is exactly where you are meant to be? What if you choose to allow the world to see the real you instead of a smaller version and in doing that, the world become a better place because of you? Don't give up on yourself. You are needed, wanted and loved".

Found this on pinterest (Susan E Young) and felt so much better. Exactly what I needed, so decided to share this here. Much love :)

Saturday, 25 June 2016

Family law paper in 2 hours!

Salam alaik people!

Well actually no one is going to read ya bcs the blog is still in private mode lulz. Still it feels weird not to express my greetings or salam somehow (bajet alim I know hahaha). Astagfirullah, its Ramadhan yet I keep judging myself hahaha maybe okay sebab judge diri sendiri not orang lain. Whatever it is in case no one is going to read ya, at least I will read it over and over. #devotedme

So today I'm going to sit for my second paper for this semester. Its Family Law II (civil marriages). Did my islamic family law last semester and Alhamdulillah it was fine. So I kind of hope that today will turn out well too. Last thursday was my first paper, it was Unternational Law II. If I have to be honest, International law is not my forte and I find that subject as very challenging. Actually, I'm completely to be blamed because I never listened to Dr Shah's lectures. All I did was either playing with my phone or doing other work (exemplary sangat hahaha please jangan tiru). But overall I think I did okay for someone yang literally start from zero in that subject. No I'm not being confident that I'm surely pass ke apa but in my humble view, I did fine. I hope and I pray my lecturer will feel so too. Please let me pass! Its not exciting to fail any papers (international law especially no wayyyy). So far since sem1 until sem 6, tak pernah fail paper apa apa lagi even though ramai jer my batch mates yang fail. And they failed sometimes not because they are lazy or rak hafal cases ke apa. Sometimes its all about luck. The thing about law subjects in general is if you dah salah detect the issue then the whole 5-6 pages of answers you wrote are basically pointless. So thats why I always pray to Allah to give me the right dorection and guidance so that I can understand the question properly with the right and accurate answers.

I think thats all for today. Its almost 7am and my paper starts at 9am. Less than 2 hours, kind of nervous but I hope I'll be fine. Insya Allah. Amin.

p/s: Consume two cups of coffee and havent sleep a blink since semalam. Hope everything will be fine and right after I finish my paper, I'm going to sleep until berbuka hahahahaha.

Pray for me. Thank you.


Wednesday, 15 June 2016

Should I public it?

Why do you keep your blog private?

I have so many things going on in my head, yet I can't find the right words to express them out. That's the problem with writing and expressing yourself, you have to do it often. That's how you get better. If not you'll get rusty, and I know it well it is never good to pent things up inside. The best way to be less stressed with life, or deal with difficult moments is to be open, express your hurt or happiness. You can write, you can talk about it, you can draw or anything as long as that makes you feel better.

Honestly I missed those era where I can just write about everything and anything that bothered me without thinking about the consequences. Consequences in what way? I think probably because I'm already 22 years old, I'm an adult I'd adopt some sort of fear. I personally did fear the fact that people might get hurt based on my words but at the same time I did feel like its not fair because they are supposed to feel so because what they'd did to me wasn't easy for me to comprehend either. Do you get it? Hahahaha. It's not fair for me to always think about others, to put other people before me but when it comes to the same situation, people always put their pride or ego first. Personally, still dealing with this issue and still can't find the right solution.

I'm not that afraid of being judged (we live in a judging society anyway) but I'm afraid that my words hurt people. That basically why I keep this blog in private. I just want to have a space where I can freely express myself, but at the same time I want to be honest with myself and the world. Am I demanding for a moon? Lol.

I started my old blog when I was in high school, and those were the moments that I treasured the most. Back then right after I finish my everyday school routine, I'll be sitting at the table writing about how my day was. Either it's great or horrible, I just didn't care much. There used to be days I feel extremely happy about something and these days I'm glad I recorded them (either in my blog or diary) because even if I did read those now, I can still feel the happiness and excitement like "Aah when I was 15 even being praised by the boy I'd crush in meant a lot" and things like that. Plus I can feel the pureness and innocence of a 15 year old girl everything I read those posts. Somehow makes me feel young, and hmm just happy. Good old days.

Same goes for bad days, if I came across something that ruined my mood, I'll definitely make sure that I wrote them down. Now at the age of 22 years old, I practically found myself I guess some sort of 'healed' from those bitterness. Maybe if I didn't express myself in the right way I might carry the burden until today like"Oh I hate that teacher who said I'm not good enough compared with other kids". Today probably because that happened so many years back, I can look at that in a more positive manner. Maybe she didn't mean it that way,  maybe it was just a slip of the tongue, maybe I was really lacking compared with others back then and thank god I'm improved (hopefully). Experiences (good or bad) help us to improve ourselves. Imagine if we'd never being in stress, conflicts and problems well I kind of doubt I will make it this far. So, for all the bad experiences, problems and traumas I'd faced, I don't know what is the right words or the right way to express it, I guess I'm just thankful. At least I'm becoming a better Liyana.

When you're given something, you didn't know it was a gift. Only after years you'd finally discover the truth. My God didn't test me for something I can't bear. Alhamdulillah.

I do have plan to un-private this blog. But still thinking about it. One of my friends advised me to public this blog because she wants others to read it.

"Let them know their mistakes, maybe they can learn. See whether they can rationalize the problem or not. Why are you afraid of hurting them? If they're hurt, that's their problems. They did the same to you, and even if they get hurt, it's still a fair play for both parties. But if they're really true people in your life, they'll reflect themselves. As much as you should be. That's how people learn".

"The thing about us, we are quick to forgive our acts. Yet we are very judgmental about others".




Saturday, 11 June 2016

You are not everyone's cup of tea.

Honestly these days I tried to be a little bit easy on people. I mean I used to be quite tense and serious I know probably because I have some sort of perfectionist nature to the extend I get stress when people are not behaving or acting the way I expected them to be. I used to be like that, but I'm changing. I know that of course I haven't completely change yet (still have flaws, still get stressed over simple things) but I'm trying my very best not to.

So in the process of me accepting people they way they are, I can't help myself from being easier on me too. One simple example is the older me won't accept the fact that I look ugly in a picture and I would never post that picture online, no way! But these days I'm being quite okay with it. I thought 'Well I can't look good everyday" so sometimes without any delay I just post such photos in my twitter or instagram lol. I watch different movies and listen to different music compared to what I used to. Some people are happy with the changes but some are not okay with it. They thought that I'm becoming someone else but the thing is I'd always being true to myself, its just that I'm changing certain things for the better. And so far I am quite happy with it.

Some people will like you, some people will hate you. Either way, you just have to live your life well.

Hey!

Hello world!

Finally I manage to find some courage to write, after so many months of neglect and refusal. I've been busy with my usual stuffs: study-assignments-test-friends-family (repeat them over and over). I'm in my 6th semester right now (actually next week is my last week of classes, after that is final exams) and my life is hella busy. So hectic and everyday feels like a boot camp. There were few times I felt like not waking up from the bed and just indulge myself in the warmness and comfort of it, then my head will be popping up various questions like "Do I really have to do this?" "Can I just not go to class today?" and etc hahaha so childish I know but that's just how it is for me. 3 years of law school and I am really really tired. Looking back I don't know how I survive with all the craziness but personally I'm quite thankful that I end up here, I find myself to be tougher in certain aspects. Tired but someway somehow I manage to juggle things up.

Alhamdulillah :)


Saturday, 23 April 2016

Judging eyes

For all these time I always have an ultimate no to people who don't appear as what they looked like or as how they potrayed themselves to be. In short, I hate hypocrite people. I mean yes we all have those friends who seems like they are very nice, naive and all but then suddenly one day they turns out to be the complete opposite. We all have some 'friends but not really friends", those you thought were your real friends and they've been there all these while sharing your secrets and all but then one day you caught them red-handed talking bad things about you and you feel betrayed, left them behind and not contacted them at all. It's normal. Its just that when you've been burnt by the same fire more than once like me, you'll tend to walk away from these people anymore. You stop asking for them, stop contacting them.


I used to hate those kind of people until one day I realized why am I acting like a 5 year old? Why am I so quick to label others? What's wrong here? What makes them so comfortable talking about me behind my backs, I'm sure there must be something wrong with me too. If I am really a nice person, I'm sure they won't be betraying me. I must have flaws too, I just failed to see them. The thing about us humans, we tend to forgive our own mistakes but we always forget that other people are bound to make mistakes too. So if we can forgive our own, why are we so reluctant to forgive others? Aren't we all humans? No one is holier than another, except with the grace of God.

So I figured out one thing, my friend who appears naive, nice, kind, shy and etc in front of me but behind my back she's the complete opposite, its not because she is a two faced.  But its merely because that's not who she is. She's not the shy type at the first place, maybe she's just pretending to be so because she can't blend in with us. Maybe she's more of a care free person.  Those people who talked about me behind my back might not be good friends but that doesn't make them bad humans. Well, I talk about others too so its expected for others to talk about me. We all live in a community, we interact with each other, we all have clashes in opinions and that's normal.


The next time I want to judge people, I must remember the trick. Not everyone is the same. If it is, the world would be such a boring place.

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Got a problem?

I had a conversation with one of my aunties, and unconsciously we spent about few hours sharing stories about our lives and experiences. I would consider that as an eye opener because I'm already  in my early 20s and to be honest there's so many things that I don't know about life, so to have someone sharing their past experiences with me is such a blessing.

One thing that I can inferred or conclude from our conversation is that as humans, we will always have complex and problems, its just depends on how we handle them that makes us different. Kids have their own problems, teenagers have their own worries, even we adults have our own struggles. Sometimes, problems come to us even before we have our own breakfast, sometimes it started before we even get off the bed. So if we live our live expecting that one day we'll reach a state of nirvana with zero problem, then we're just lying to ourselves. We all know the truth. We'll always going through something that is hard, harsh, we always being tested with something and we'll always feel stress about something. Teenagers might have problems to cope with their parents, cope with their never ending homework. I'm a college student, my biggest suffering in my opinion is to fulfill the high expectation that people put up on me and the challenge of money that's never going to be enough. Then I'm sure once I start working, I'll develop more and more stress (work stress, family issues and etc). So the thing is, its not going to end. 

Once we solve a problem, then another problem comes in. Its like a battle with no end. I used to think things like 'I'm going to finish my college degree fast so that I can work, make money then I don't have to think about money'. Yeah I might not have money issues anymore once I start working, but I might develop new issues for example too much workload, problems with my boss and etc. 

So how do we handle this?

My aunt told me the best way to handle this issue is not to think of them as problems, and focus on living your life. Plus she emphasized on the importance of not being 'too freak out' when we have problems. I mean yeah sometimes the issue is quite simple but we love to overthink ourselves and as a result they turn out to be greater issues. I get that a lot because I'm a little perfectionist (sikit jer) when it comes to certain things, then when I suddenly have problems I'll usually freak myself out and being vain and crazy you name it. I should have focus on how to solve the issue instead of being carried away with it right? Will try to practice that later.

I realize that as much efforts was spent on worrying about them, the less time I actually spent on solving the issue. Remember, when you have some problems, they won't fade away unless you solve it. You can run away from the problem but its not going to last long. So focus on the living, focus on how to solve them. Then proudly walks away from it.

Even a 3 year old kid worries about the little things. So its not a big problem to have a problem, its normal. Everyone is struggling, they just don't show it.



#42


Thank God.

Thursday, 3 March 2016

#41

I don't know how many times I had write, delete and rewrite things here today. I don't know what's wrong with me. Did I lose my penmanship my ability to write or what? This is kind of annoying because I know that there's so many things to share, so many issues I'd pent up inside of me but I just can't find the right words, the right arrangements, the right way to express them up. I'm having conflicts with myself, one of my friend, I'm done with a guy I thought is the right one for me. Too many stressful stories but I'm just not in the right mood to share everything. 


Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. 

Sunday, 24 January 2016

Patience

'And We have made some of you as a trial for others: Will you have patience?' - Al-Furqaan 25:20

According to Imam Ahmad, Allah has mentioned the word 'patience' for 90 times in various surah in the Al-Quran. That is enough to show us how important for us Muslims to have some patience in order to succeed and to do great things. And Allah has promised great rewards to those whom are patient with what he/she is tested with.

Patience is actually subjective. You might thought that you are a very compose, understanding and diligent kind of person but others might view it differently. To some people you might be the most impatient person they've ever met, and vice versa. When it comes to subjective things like this, it is important to listen to other people what they actually thought about you but most of the time, I always consider my own opinion as a priority. For that reason, when it comes to patience or self restraint, I do not see myself as an A student or an example to others.

If you ask me one thing about myself that I wish I can change, my answer would definitely be my level of patience and tolerance. I wish I am more patient or sabar. I know that I am not patient enough in certain things. I always told myself  'Liyana, have patience pleaseee' or 'sabar sikit', but there are times where I cannot control myself from being angry. I think that is  somehow link with my personality. I am at times fairly impatient. When it comes to studying I'm often getting stress for not understanding the concept. Plus, I am quite ambitious and a little perfectionist so in some important things, it gets even worse. If I have something that I really want, I tend to push myself until I get it. So, if I am really into something but the end result was not as good as how I expected it to be, I tend to get frustrated and disappointed with myself.

I'm sure some of you guys might relate with this.

I can say that I adapt quite well in terms of the process but if the result is not how I want it to be, then I lose my endurance. Some might think it's good to be persistent in what you actually want in life but deep inside I wish I am more patient and resolute so that even if I didn't achieve what I really want, I will not give up and start things all over again. Looking back, there are certain things and events that makes me regret for being so impatient. I mean things might be better if only I manage to control and restraint myself. Okay not much of a regret actually, because no matter what happened, we can't change the past right? So yeah it's more like a lesson learnt. If something happened because of my lack of tolerance, endurance or anything then I should make sure that it won't happen again.

I'm not particularly proud with the fact but I think that this is something that I need to work on and I'm sure some of you people out there might be dealing with the same issue. Let's keep calm and be cool!



Through patience, great things are accomplished- Imam Ali (AS)

Tuesday, 19 January 2016

Just another girl

I have to admit that sometimes I do not behave like a girl. I mean I hear it all the time 'act like a girl will you?' for most of the acts that I've done be it eating, dressing up, talking or even driving.

To begin with, I have a habit of eating fast, not in the gelojoh manner, it's just my friends and I, we have this habit of not talking when we eat and you know just treasure the food in front of you. Plus I thought it's kind of good to show some respect to rezeki. Not that we get serious all the time when there's food served in front of us, no obviously we are not that mannered lol okay but usually we do all the talking either before or after the food is served to us. So because of that, I usually finish my food faster than other people. I don't find it like a big problem ke apa since if I habis makan cepat, I'll do the waiting and vice versa if I habis makan lambat. The fact that I eat faster than other girls, doesn't make me less of a girl. I don't think that it's such an issue to the extend I have to change the way I eat, the way I speak to be considered as a girl. In the end isn't it too tiring to be pretentious all the time?

The same thing applies to dressing. Just because I don't prefer wearing baju kurung or long skirts and feminine dresses, I am still a lady though. The fact that I'm comfortable with shirts and trousers over everything should not bother you right? It's kind of annoying that some people are so quick in judging other people yet failed to notice his/her own flaws. 


In the end, well I admit that I'm a little bit different but that doesn't make me less of a person or less of a lady. Everyone is different and as the years passed by we all develop our own styles and preferences. As long as the person himself/herself is happy with it, I don't think that we have the right to concern much.

:)

Sunday, 17 January 2016

2016

Hi,

In a way, aku rasa macam loser gak la sebab dah almost 20 hari 2016 then baru terkedek-kedek nak update blog hahaha. Orang lain malam tahun baru tu terus lepas countdown and bunga api terus menghadap laptop update pasal azam baru and all. Shame on you sis. Tapi nak buat macam mana, I was busy with my finals starting from 28th December until 15th January hari tu. Tau la kan kalau dah exam macam mana, diri sendiri pun tak terurus hahaha ada days yang aku rasa macam nak gi jawab exam tak mandi and pakai baju tidur jer. Tapi bila aku fikir-fikir balik, just lupakan jer niat tu ada ke nak pakai baju tidur tak mandi pleasezz la liyana hahaha plus I read somewhere what you wear during you exam actually influences your mood. If pakai malas-malas, then mood pun akan down and if you choose to wear colourful and dress up sikit, there's tendency that your mood akan okay sikit and you'll feel better. Takde lah suruh kau pakai bling bling menyilau nak jawab exam pun tak boleh pulak tau. 

So kira the fact yang aku finally update something ni okay gak lah. Biasanya after final exams aku akan ambik masa like one or two weeks untuk tidur and rehat jer. Tak fikir apa, tak keluar mana-mana, tak contact kawan-kawan. Just my pesonal time with my movies and drama. Haa time ni biasa nya memang Iolzz tak keluar bilik, siap lah movie marathon dengan korean drama marathon lol. 

Sebenarnya, dah 22 tahun aku malas dah nak kisah pasal azam ke apa. Bagi aku as long as aku hidup as a good person, good daughter, good friend, good student dah la and as long as aku tak give up in pursuing my dreams, then that should be my biggest accomplishment. Malas nak kecoh-kecoh fikir pasal life goals bagai and azam yang tak pernah nak dapat capai. Biasalah aku ni jenis awal-awal semangat, belakang-belakang hampeh. Lagi pun aku rasa banyak sangat benda nak buat dalam hidup ni, aku tak rasa aku dapat list out everything in this short time. That's why these days I choose to be realistic. Just do your best in everything and have faith in yourself, then you're halfway there. 

So my hope in 2016 ni senang jer, kau jangan la mudah nak give up liyana. Kau dah nak habis belajar dah tinggal 3 sem jer lagi. Aku tau la law tak senang, kadang-kadang (actually most of the time) kau rasa macam nak give up and what the heck am I doing with my life bagai but ingat macam ni je lah if kau tak usaha sekarang later kau akan menyesal. You will wish you can turn back time and of course takde negara yang berjaya develop the time mechaine yet so kalau kau tak buat betul betul sekarang, siap la kau nanti. You have to work hard liyana because you like expensive things. And kau jenis yang selalu nak keep your pride on so it might be hard if you have no means to support yourself right? Senang cerita just work hard like you always did. Don't worry much, you are doing fine though.

Last year aku cakap kat kawan-kawan aku before 2016 aku nak jugak ada boyfriend hahahha bongok punya perangai. Maybe time tu aku dah tahap loner dah nak mati kot. Biasa lah konon dah 21 kot takkan nak hidup single sampai sudah sebab masa aku sekolah dulu aku cakap aku nak ada boyfirend once aku dah 21. Ni dah 22 and dah 2016, masih single dan mereput sorang-sorang hahaha pasrah jap. Lagi pasrah bila parents kau keep on tanya kau dah ada boyfriend belum and kau cakap takde, tapi diorang macam 'yekeeeeee'. And bila kau mengadu ke singleness kau kat kawan-kawan, diorang macam question apesal kau single and kena cop 'memilih sangat' which is tak. Aku tak memilih langsung. Takde masa nya aku nak judge orang bagai. Aku tak kisah la pasal that guy handsome ke tak sedar la sikit, kau pun tak cantik mana pun hahahaha. Tak pernah pun cakap  kau kena muka macam artis korea dulu baru datang dekat aku, the heckkkk. Bagi aku as long as hati mu mulia and tulus, kira okay lah. And jangan nak mengongkong and kacau aku nak study malam-malam, dah cukup perfect dah. Dah la liyana jangan nak rant on kau punya loneliness kat sini dah, kat twitter cukup. 

Byee.


Taken on 31st December, kira okay lah one day before new year.