Dedicated to everyone who wonders if I'm writing about them. I do.

Thursday, 21 July 2016

Dealing with your parents' divorce

I think only few of us talk about what it's like to grow up with divorced parents. Some might refer to it as 'broken family' but personally I don't prefer that term. Just because your parents are separated, that doesn't mean your whole life has comes to an end, or your whole family institution had shuttered down. Sometimes, the fact that your parents decided to lead their own different life might be a positive change to the whole family.

I was kind of reluctant to talk or write about this topic at the every beginning because as a child from separated parents, I wasn't sure how and what to write. I'm not sure whether my words are going to comfort, heal people or is it going to give more damages  but I thought the best thing I could do is to at least share my experience. They say, an untold story never heals. Thus, I would like to take this opportunity to totally clear my mind, clarify some facts and you know just let things go. 

The thing is we have increasing number of divorce cases everyday yet we still find the word 'divorce' as a total taboo that everyone wanted to avoid. Something need to be done not only to prevent it to happen but also to provide methods or solutions when it occurs. In most cases when divorce happened, I find that the real issue is not between two struggling adults who obviously can't stand each other anymore for whatever reasons it might be, but the real one is on the children (if they have any).  The children are the one to be affected the most, they are going to experience a total change of living, they have to deal with the world that perceives 'if your parents are separated you are a total failure' kind of thinking and etc. 

So my parents were separated when I was in high school. Honestly, none of my school friends knew about it until high school ended where I decided to tell some of my close friends and by now I expected that the fact is known to others as well. I tried to keep it secret, as best as I could because I wasn't ready for people to judge me. Of course at that point of time I was having a really hard time juggling with studies as well as my family problems  and I was basically emotionally unstable, frustrated and stressed most of the time I guess. The fact that I did quite well in high school despite all the struggles were totally blessings from God. I won't make it on my own. I don't know how I did it, but it just happened.

Plus, I am the eldest in my siblings. I have 4 younger sisters, my youngest at that time didn't even started her preschool yet so imagine you're in your puberty but you still have to deal with stuffs that most of your friends aren't experiencing. I didn't have any choice rather than to act strong, to prepare and heal myself. Basically I don't have anyone to talk to. I couldn't discuss it with my mother as she was struggling on her own (even though we're close). I can't really share with my sisters as they are way younger than me, they might not understand the whole idea to begin with. The only thing I did to express myself was to write in my diary about how I actually felt. I always felt  some sort of pressure to portray a happy image. I always thought that as the eldest I have to pull myself together, I'd to restrain myself as best as I could. If  the eldest can't handle it, then what about the others?

Even though my parents had officially separated when I was in high school, they've been struggling I think long time before that. I can't specifically remember when and how it started but I'm sure that life wasn't harmonious way before that. Serious matters like you know divorce they aren't decided in one night. Its not like you woke up this morning and decided that 'oh I want to get a divorce today' or 'this morning I figured out that I didn't love you'. Of course not. There's a lot of factors that contribute to the termination of the relationship and as a daughter I'd always tell myself to respect whatever the decisions and reasons for that. I used to question it like how can two persons who'd live almost 20 years of their life together, finally decided they didn't love each other? I thought true love never fades away, they told me family is the most important asset one can ever have, yet they decided to live separately? I know that I'm not the only one with those questions, anyone in the same situation of mine can definitely  relate with it. 

However as I grew up I discovered that I can't expect everything to be fine. Life isn't a fairy tale and no family is as perfect as the movies make it looks like. My mother and my father have different life, they come from different backgrounds before they met each other and decided to have us. As the child, you might thought that you know everything but it isn't as simple as that. Your father might be a great father to you, but he might be a shitty husband that you didn't know. Your mother might be a great ideal woman but a bad wife. That's why I decided not to judge my parents for their decision, instead I embrace it and try to view it in a more positive perspective. Maybe if they're still together, they won't be as happy as they are right now. I decided not to be selfish, just because I wasn't glad with that, I don't think that it is right for my parents to stay together for us and fake everything out. I want us to be together but, as much as that I still want them to be happy. That's at least I can do as a child, to let them choose what makes them happy.

I think as much as their decision affects us the children, I'm pretty sure that it affects them more. They'd spent their entire life together, to end it must cost them a lot of things. Until this day, I still haven't find the specific answers to all my questions but I figured out one thing, in every relationship there might comes a point where the damage is too much and you can't save it. Thus you have to let it go so that it grows on their own. You might get hurt because of that but maybe if you decide to keep it, the more the damage.  Let go, and just cherish the memories you had. 

There used to be a time where I felt so depressed and unhappy because all I did was focusing on what I didn't have, instead of appreciating of what I have. I thought that my life wasn't good as I don't have a perfect family. I was developing so many insecurities and I kept questioning myself what's wrong, what's the real problems and etc. I didn't realize that I was basically beating myself up, mentally and spiritually. I think few years later after I went to pursue my study I figured out that 'oh I still have a family'. Just because my parents are separated, we are still a family. I still have my sisters, my mother and my father. The fact that we're not living in the same household doesn't change the fact that we are scientifically and biologically related.

Once I entered university life, I discovered that there's no perfect family. Everyone has family issues, their parents might not be separated but they might struggling in other aspects you can't imagine. Thus, do not feel down or sad just because your parents aren't together. You will realize that your life is way better than  most of half of your friends. I found some people whom their parents are still living together but struggled more than what I'd experienced. That's when I feel thankful and blessed. Mine might not live together but honestly my life is way easier as it used to be, and I can tell that most of us are happier than it used to be before the separation. Of course once in a while, I miss the environment where I still have my papa with me, my ummi and all my younger sisters living together but that idea didn't come often.  Probably because I respect the situation and I know that everyone is happy with what we have right now.  I know that you can't turn back time, but you can at least enjoy it. 

If your parents are getting a divorce or had already separated, you might be having a hard time. My advise is do not pressure yourself. I used to think and feel like one of the reasons why they had to resort to such choice was because of me. I thought I wasn't a good daughter like raising me up is hard for my parents to deal with to extend where they have to end the relationship. You might thought your parents don't love you, or you might believe that you had ruin the family and etc. I know because I'd felt all that. If you're feeling the exact same, please don't. You're not at fault, at all.

Trust me it will take some time for you to understand everything. But one day, you will. 

Wednesday, 20 July 2016

Finding my motivation

I must have lost my motivation somewhere because right after the final exam ends, I somehow lost my will and soul to live. My last paper was two days ago, and the only thing I did was probably eat, watch movies/series,  hang out with few friends, sleep and repeat those three things unconditionally. I hope this lifeless-state of mine is temporary though. I hope the reason why I feel so lazy and demotivated about everything is because I'm still tired, my body can't adapt well yet. Well I did went out with couple of friends to mall and favorite eateries but still I feel some sort of loss and awkwardness, probably because I'd used to spent my days with books, trying to remember all the cases and worrying how the questions going to turn out, and yeah praying and wishing with all my heart that I won't forget important stuffs during exams.

During the exam weeks, all I ever wanted was to end the struggle, this semester was so tough with 7 killer subjects. I was totally drained. All I ever wished was to go home, enjoy my break with my family, eat good food and just you know have enough sleep like others (only sleep for 2 3 hours during finals *sad*) But now as finals had come to an end, I feel a little bit weird.  For instance, I used to sleep around 1 or 2 am in the morning then woke myself up for the next few hours to continue my revision. I used to complain how fast my night was, I mean I just spent few hours to study but its already 12 am, or I thought I was resting for 5 minutes but it has been thirty,  you get what I mean? Now that I don't have anything to compel myself to, I found myself having too much 'free time' like ample lots of free time. They say time flies but I kind of doubt that these days. They must have lost their wings somewhere and have no other option rather than to walk with their own foots.

So the past few days, I figured out one important lesson. One, what you really wanted is not necessarily what you need. We'd always be less grateful with what we have, always think someone have it better than us. We failed to realize the fact that maybe what we have right now is the best for us, at least. The only thing I wanted was to end the final so that I can have fun and get my so called normal life back, but in the end I realize maybe to end that not as fun as I expected. What is normal by the way? Is not having exams normal? Maybe to have tests, assignments to be submitted, to feel chocked up and stressed because work keep piling up is the normal one. And not having anything to do is the odd one? Don't you think so? Sometimes you set your expectations high, but in reality it's not as good as what you expected. That's when you figured out you wants might not be what you actually need.

I guess I should end this here, dah terlampau banyak mengarut. I hope I pass all the papers and can continue with my final year (LLB). Please pray for me, thank youuuu.

Yes, the pictures were taken right after I finished my last paper, that explains the ugly face expressions pff.

Saturday, 16 July 2016


Last week, something really really really bad happened and it affected me so much. I was moody for few days because of that. Things are way better now but honestly deep inside, I still have some frustration and sorrow. I did tell myself to let go "come on liyana, let the shit go" but you know sometimes when something is so shitty, you have to take some time before you can totally heal. I cried myself to sleep I didn't talk to people, I was basically alone because I know no matter what I'm doing people are going to misunderstand it or interpret that differently. I was so down, so disappointed and so lifeless to extend I feel like locking myself in a room and just cry. Its hard and it hurts to live among people who can't understand you.

I just want to say one thing, you'd burned the bridge. Then do not ask me why I don't visit.

You've got this

"You've got this. Or so you keep telling yourself. You've got this. And then you don't do anything. You've got this. and more excuses are made. And you can't get past where you are at. Being stuck is worse than taking a step towards progress but you just can't make the move. You can't figure out why. You keep telling yourself you should be further ahead, that you should be doing more, that you should be more successful, have a better career or business. That you should have 'x' because you believe you'll feel better in the having of it. All of these should-a-would-a-could-a isn't working for you, are they? 

What if you just let go? What would happen if you decided that you are brilliant, special, unique, different and owning this is perfect? What if you realize at this very moment is exactly where you are meant to be? What if you choose to allow the world to see the real you instead of a smaller version and in doing that, the world become a better place because of you? Don't give up on yourself. You are needed, wanted and loved".

Found this on pinterest (Susan E Young) and felt so much better. Exactly what I needed, so decided to share this here. Much love :)