Dedicated to everyone who wonders if I'm writing about them. I do.

Sunday, 10 September 2017

Healing.

To be honest, I had a lot of ample time. I could write if I want to but someway somehow I abstain myself from writing because I don't want myself to write about sad things. I always love writing because I can always write what is in my head, but for after what happened recently, I refused to write what I have in my mind because its so destructive. I know that I should be genuine and I can't have a perfectly happy life all the time but I just hate  the fact that I 'm weak because of what that.

I do want to write whatever I have in my mind, how sad I was, how hard everything was and how much I struggle until I finally found some courage to be myself again but the papers remain empty, the post remain as white as it is. I keep telling myself  'we have move on right. Today is a good day, another opportunity for you to shine' but at the end of the day, I'll sit in the corner of my room wondering whether everything is going to be fine. At one point of my life, I really hate myself because I keep thinking of memories I shouldn't, I keep thinking of people I shouldn't care about.

Someone told me he find himself another girl (either he find himself a new girl or he's always been with the girl all these time but I never know about it) It was pretty shocking, actually I was so shocked. There's no way to explain how mind blowing it was. I was pretty mad with myself because I think I was being stupid. I suffered for nothing. Some of my friends did asked me about the chances of getting back together if he ever ask for, and I totally said no. Never. I always give people a second chance in mostly everything but for this time, I firmly said no. I'd been true to our relationship and ended up behind the bars of betrayal.  I think it was toxic and I will never waste my effort and time for this kind of guy.

Sometimes, I do miss the memories. We have our favourite songs that we used to listen in the car together. After that thing happened, I can't bring myself to listen to the songs at all. I'll turn my radio off, or change the channel.  I'll avoid everything related to the shit, but these days I realize the more I avoid, the harder it gets. One day, I pick up my courage and stick to the song until the end. It was hard and torturing but I felt better. So what? This song had always been my favourite since years ago, way before I met him. It's not my fault this happened and I should stop myself from avoiding stuffs, instead I should embrace it and accept the fact that some people are just too shitty to be in my life. When I was with him, I had always been true of what I like and dislike. I like to keep it real, but then I wonder was he lying all these while? Everything he said was all lies right? 

Everyday I pray to God to make things easier for me. I guess I'm getting better. I won't promised you that this is my last entry of me being heart broken ( I hate this word, or to call myself heart broken) or sad but all I can say is I'm trying to find all my pieces back. I want to be the old Liyana. I used to be quite positive with everything including people. Now, I'm a bit judging I would say. It's hard for me to open up to new people in case they will left me too. I always give my all so when people leave, it's hard for me to bear everything. I used to be this one girl who will look at the mirror everyday and tell myself "awww you look so pretty today", I am that one girl who puji diri sendiri all the time because I know no one will ever did that to me. These days hmmm I dress so minimal, with less makeup (compared to how I used to do my make up). Its not that I have no one to impress, I never do things to impress people anyway. Its just that I feel demotivated sometimes, but it's okay I'm getting better. Life is quite good so far. I started my chambering (working) and everything is so new and so challenging but I like challenges anyway so I always look up to another day of work. I'll write in detail about my chambering soon!

So, that's it. Since he find himself a new girl, I wish them happiness. I hope he treats her right this time because honestly, no girl should be treated the way I did. I don't want to wish him bad things or karma or whatever because that's so cheap. I'm not jealous with their relationship because honestly, he's just the wrong guy for me. I deserve someone way better than him, someone who compliments me. To all the girls, who had been through the same situation as I did, my advice would be to know your value. If a guy tell you he can't be with you, or refused to be with you anymore. Pack your things and leave. Do not beg because if you are important in his life, he won't be doing that at the first place. You'll be sad, you'll get lonely but that is way better than with the wrong guy. Trust me. 

"Because while you're left with these painful memories, you remember that what he doesn't posses is the power to destroy you".

Thursday, 10 August 2017

Worrying solves nothing

"You are still young. Take it easy".

Sometimes,I forget the fact that I'm still young and its okay not to have everything figured out. Things take time. Honestly, there are so many things going on in my life and as much as I have to juggle everything, I can't stop myself from worrying in case everything that I had planned didn't turn out the way I expected them to be. In short, I overthink. 

In my case, I think there wasn't a single moment in my life where I think I was completely happy. Maybe there is few but I just can't think of one right now. When there's something great happened or I was like laughing, happy and stuffs, there's something inside my heart that keeps telling me to tone it down. Like "Liyana I know you are happy but be careful, you might cry tomorrow darling". Hahaha no I was kidding I never called myself darling, that's so ewww. I usually called myself stupid or crackhead or just 'girl' in general like its okay you got this girl. Sometimes when I did something extremely extremely stupid, I'll be like 'hey crackhead why are you acting like one stupid crazy girl ah? Stop you're embarrassing yourself'.

Still, what I'm trying to say is yeah I am that one girl who's afraid to let herself go, to let everything out just in case something unexpected or bad is going to happen. I used to be the one who gives everything for something or for people but then I discovered that once things messed up, or once people leave, it hurts me so freaking bad. So starting from that moment, I promised to be careful, not to set my expectation high, not to give my everything since we can't predict the future right? People change and leave, things are destroyed, memories fade and I'm not careful I might be left with nothing. I know that I sound so negative but honestly, I'm just being careful. We have to be prepared for "just in case" moments. 

So back to my story, yes I worry about a lot of stuffs. I'm not going to mention or discuss specifically each and every one of them but I think about them a lot. My 'what if's are killing me.   I won't say sampai tak tidur malam semua because takde lah I've been sleeping well jer haha. I keep telling myself to stop worrying, things are going to be just fine and there's so many opportunities for you in this world. They say the sky is the only limit but actually even the sky is not the limit. You set the limit for yourself, if you're willing to do something you can go extra miles for it. Again girl, stop worrying. Things will work their way out one day, maybe not today but one day they will. Everything is just inside our head. We're going to be just fine, with everything we have right now. Trust me.




Sunday, 6 August 2017

Hey

7 days passed by and I'm still good.

I passed over the storms and all the hurdles, now my rainbow is waiting on the other side. I'm going for it. I'm not going to look back anymore. Most importantly, I'd learn a very good lesson based on everything that happened, you can be sad you can question anything but in the end everything is going to be perfectly fine. No storms last forever.

Last Sunday when he texted me that one line, I couldn't believe my eyes. I thought I read it wrong. Oh maybe he wanted to send this to somebody else, I said. I won't say I was at my lowest since the day it happened because I really hate the fact that I sound or look weak for a guy who is obviously unworthy of me but all I can say was hmm my heart felt different. But its okay I'm healing now, I'm happy and I'm doing amazing. I'll be just fine. When I give, I'm all in but when I'm done, there's no looking back for me.

In these 7 days gap, so many things happened. So many good things and blessings granted by God. I'm so thankful. I feel stupid for worrying and feeling sad for something I shouldn't. I always believe that God's plan is always perfect, always beautiful. Guess its true.

By the way, I'm going to start my chambering this 14th August. So early right? I know. Baru jer balik rumah now I have to go back to the city again. I was home last Saturday but since that "incident" happened last week, I didn't feel like holiday at all okay. Now, I'm feeling better I guess I have to ensure that I enjoy this week to the fullest. This is going to be my last week of holiday as a student. After this, I'll be working and I believe its going to be another world all together. I'm both nervous and excited with the idea of me working but hey lets be positive about it. Trust yourself and you'll be fine. I know, you'll do great. 

Hopefully :p

Thursday, 3 August 2017

Crooked people

Today I'm going to talk about hatred. 

I know tomorrow is raya and I should write something cheerful, positive and you know just good things in general but I think for some reasons I need to clarify on this matter. So few weeks ago, I had this sayat account where you know people are allowed to post anonymous comments on your profile. The idea was to say whatever in your mind, what you think about that person and how you perceived him/her. So for me, I think it's a good medium to express your feelings especially if you feel like you can never talk to that person in real life. This is the chance. I did ask some questions to several people who I adore and their answers were pretty helpful. I asked about their skincare routine, study tips and etc.

So on my sayat, there's few hateful comments about me. I mean I don't mind people expressing their thoughts, how they feel about me and stuffs because that is the purpose of such medium at the first place. Don't get me wrong, I do cherish honest and intellectual talks. I'm okay with people criticizing me because I know that I am not perfect so yes do enlighten me if you think there's something wrong with my attitude or the way I carry myself. I'm all good for honest and constructive opinions. However, what bothers me most is those comments/questions that were aimed to attack me. I'm not this little girl who gets emotional reading hateful comments because I know if people point out something, I shall look within. There might be something wrong with me. I try my very best to stay calm and positive but sometimes I just can't. There's few comments that were too ridiculous and shocking. When I read them I was like "my god what's wrong with these people". That's just how absurd the comments/statements posted. Okay,I get it you can say whatever you want but that doesn't mean you can be rude, right?

But recently, I decided to deactivate my account and the main reason why I did so was when I found people start commenting or attacking on my family. At that time, I was like okay I cannot do this anymore. This is too much. You're not even in my shoes and you didn't went through what we did, do you think you're in a position to say anything? But really it's so sad to see how petty humans can be? And the most scary part is those who posted the hateful comments/statements can be the people around me who act like they're angels when the truth is the opposite. It's a super scary world. How can people be so crooked anyway?

I'm not sure why some people hate me. Probably because they think you don't deserve what you have right now. But honestly I don't get the point, everything I have today didn't come easy. In fact, I fight and have to work my butt off to have them. Everything including my friends, my family, the love I get from everyone and even all the material things I have were obtained with perspiration. After everything that happened, I decided to knock it off, I don't care anymore. You can say whatever you want since its your right but I'm going to ignore all the hate comments. In the end, nothing matters except yourself.


"Do not let their words grieve you"- Surah Yunus: Verse 65


(I wrote this months ago, I'm at the point where I decided to publish all the drafts I have kept. So you might find me posting so many posts in one day, and some of them might seem old or quite sensitive. Sorry)

Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Time will heal everything


My darling, he's just a boy.


I keep telling myself  "Girl, never let a confused man waste your time or energy". I repeat this over and over like a tender ritual, hoping that I can wash you away from me. But it's sickening and annoying how you crossed my mind every second every minute of the day.  I hate some part of me right now because everything I did reminds me of you, or the thoughts of you.

Why do I find memories of you at one of my favourite eateries? Why do I find you in all the love songs played in my car? Why do all the books I read remind me of you? Why do I see you in all my favourite singers? Why is that everything I do reminds me of you.

I had thoughts like how amazing we can be, I mean we could be extraordinary.

Stop. I keep telling myself to stop thinking of you, but the attachment is strong. You shouldn't be this important, you were only there for few months and I on the other hand have been in charge of my life for 23 years. You shouldn't matter much, you should be nothing. My friends keep telling me to stop torturing myself by thinking of you and how I shouldn't be doing this. Guys I'm not torturing myself. In fact I didn't plan for this, its not that I intentionally think about the guy who ruins my heart. It just happens.

But friends, trust me. Time will heal everything. One day, I'll look at him and feel absolutely nothing.



Again, girl; he's just a boy and most importantly he's just a memory.

Sunday, 30 July 2017

One funny story

I thought I was having the time of my life these days, I thought I finally get everything covered. I mean I'm finally done with law school, I managed to secure a place for Chambering before I even end my school, I found a bunch of friends who are so supportive and encouraging I couldn't ask for more, I finally accept the fact that my family might be different (due to the separation) but we are happy in our own way and I found a guy who makes me feel like home. Everything turned out pretty well and I was happy.

I was happy. Yup, I was happy until last night. 

Last night was crazy and emotional for me (but I didn't cry trust me)

Last night, I asked him about us because it feels like we're getting distant and I am being ignored. At the same time, these past few days I feel like the only person making efforts to ensure this ship sailing well. My main intention when I asked about it was because I need assertion. I don't want to be this crazy girl who waits for a guy but in the end, the guy left her with nothing. And out of nowhere and suddenly he replied by saying "I can't be with you. I am truly sorry". 

Wow, it was that easy. It took one single sentence to end everything, I'm impressed. He didn't even state his reasons. He kept saying 'thats why I told you earlier , before this that I can only touch but not hold this relationship'.Okay I get it but the thing is you won't even try and you gave up so early. Can't you wait kejap? Stupid me, he just won't wait for you girl. He just won't. Now I wonder, it was all a lie, was it? Every single thing you said was plain bullshit.

When he was so certain with his statement, I found my answer. He's not for me. I can't stay with a guy who won't fight for me, who believe that ending things is the best solution for everything.

I'm not the type of person who give up on someone. I cherish every single person who's in my life. If there's something wrong, or you did something you shouldn't be doing, I will get mad. I will get upset but I just need a minute to cool down. I don't leave people, I'll try to hold everything together. And I think that's why it hurts so bad when people leave me.

It's okay it's okay. I won't beg for love, I won't beg for people to stay. I am at this point of my life where I stop giving a damn about everything. I believe if something is bound to happen, it will happen regardless of how we try to stop them. If people wanted to walk away from my life they can do that whenever they feel like so. I no longer going to waste my time worrying about all those stuffs because genuine people will stay, true love will stay. If people really 'ikhlas' to be your friend or to be in your life, they will do all they can to show that they matter, to make their presence significant. 

Last night felt like a dream. I even dreamed about it last night, woke up this morning hoping that it was a bad dream. I even checked my phone in case he put his sorry in a better way rather than one simple stupid sentence. Of course, none. Dare to dream, girl. Get a grip please.

However, surprisingly I was expecting myself to be extremely sad or break down which I didn't. Both of us talked about this over the phone and I was calm. I was okay. Maybe I  see this coming or maybe I don't want to bother about this anymore. I deserve better.This is just a waste of time and effort. 


The thing about love is they always seems uncertain, always feel like hanging. One day you tell another that you like her but another day you tell the opposite. I don't know why but I always consider myself unlucky when it comes to love. Either I had never 'love' enough or there is just no enough love for me out there. That probably explains why every time I see couples  holding hands, or sitting together, I look away. Its not that I hate seeing lovers but I have this one question nobody can answer yet; Where's mine? 


Don't get me wrong. My life is still as beautiful as it can be. Just because one random dude who decides to back off won't change much. I still have my beloved family and my priceless friends by my side, I'm at ease. I'm not worried. Surely when Allah takes something away from you. He gives you something greater in its place :)

Me today, I'm perfectly fine. I'm okay. 



Monday, 24 July 2017

The End of Law School!

Yes guys, you read it right! My law school journey has come to an end. Actually I finished my last paper on 19th (literally 6 days ago) but right after that my schedule was so packed until yesterday (24th). I had my corporate viva on 20th, my Anton Piller & Mareva Injuction hearing and my Magisterial skills summary trial all on 21st and finally my CTA full trial on 22nd July 2017. And yesterday I spend few hours finishing the file for CTA and did our final check. So yes, the last three or four days of my life was so packed and stressed. Honestly, I had never felt this tired and drained before. I mean no offense but I do think that everyday is always a struggle when you're in law school but those particular period (20th-22nd) was the peak of the everything hahaha. Imagine you have to juggle everything, all these stuffs in those short time. Plus, I'm just done with my finals ( I didn't get a break at all after my finals) so can you imagine the struggle to keep the focus? (Mehh its okay if you can't relate).

My full trial was okay. I'm not going to comment much on that because I don't feel like ruining my mood or everyone's mood ke apa. Don't get me wrong, it was a good one.  Its just that hmm for me I think everyone did a great job, its just that in my opinion it could had been better if we had better time to prepare everything. My firm basically just prepare the whole thing (from all the course papers until witness statements) in one night. We didn't sleep at all. I woke up feeling dizzy but well life must go on so yeah I just did it despite my condition not being the best. I know some of you guys might be saying 'so what normal what tak tidur, one night jer pun'. I know this might sound like not a big deal pun afterall, its just one night or 24 hours of staying up pun. No one dies because of that. But still memang lah we didn't sleep for one night but you have to consider that the days previously pun kitorang cannot sleep too because of works. So if I have to be honest, its not particularly about tak boleh tidur for one night. Its just that the messed up us, we have to work like non stop.

Guess its true, its not LL.B. Its Hell Hell Bee hahahaha.



Friday, 14 July 2017

Mi updato (oh whatever I just create this randomly but its supposed to mean 'my update'. Does it sounds spanish?)

I'm in the middle of my final examination. InsyaAllah this is my last ever final examination provided that I didn't fail any of the papers, hopefully I won't (pray for me guys). Actually, I only have one paper or subject left which is Ethics on 19th and after that I'll be done with all the exams. I can pack all my things and enjoy my last semester break ever kot. Eh  not really because I still have my trials and viva to go through so I think I might be done with everything by the end of the this month I guess. Aminn. Can't believe this is ending, soon. It took literally 5 years (one year of foundation and four years of degree) to end law school, to get my law certificate. I feel sad urgh come on, of course you would girl, you spent your whole 5 freaking years to this. I'm just thankful I'm in this course and my educational journey has been quite smooth sailing too so yup life has been good. I'm blessed. I'm going to write in detail about everything when I have time to spare later okay.

Byeee.







Saturday, 8 July 2017

Sacrifice

In order to achieve something in life, like it or not - you have to sacrifice a lot of things.

If you want to be in a relationship, you might have to  give up some of your free time, you might need to sacrifice the peace of your mind,  or even the pieces of you that you desperately holding on for years. You might have to give up your ego, your pride so that you guys can unite as one.

Pursuing your dreams can be a challenge too. I heard it all the time, true success require sacrifice. I mean if you want to have that degree, be prepared to sacrifice your sleep, your hobbies, your money, your soul or even your time. You might even need to change your attitude and the way you carry yourself to survive. Looking back, there's few times where I feel like not doing something, I just want to sleep but urgh thank god I still did it. The thing is, you know just grab that ass off the bed. Then you're good to go!


But the best thing of all is yes, you're giving something up but it is for something new, for something great :)


"You will come to know that what apperas today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be  the greatest investment that you will eve make" - Gordon B Hinckley

Thursday, 8 June 2017

Its almost the end!

I can't believe that I'm going to end my degree in two weeks. I mean technically speaking I only have two weeks left for classes but if I have to include all the cuti raya and exam, everything might be done around July. Honestly, I can't believe that everything will end soon. I won't say that everything feels like yesterday because obviously its not hahaha. I went through a lot, jumped over the river fire and die (literally) few times before this. I cried myself to sleep for I don't know how many times because I failed or scored badly in my tests. I sacrificed my sleeps for the sake of assignments and presentations. Went through various dramas and small fights with my friends. I remember feeling stupid and  useless when I can't understand the lecture when all my friends seem to absorb everything pretty well, except me.  I'm not saying that these are all good or exceptional things that I went through because I'm pretty sure most of us (students) went through the same routine every single day. I just feel like writing the obvious because yes the obvious is the norm, what to do?  

Back in 2013 or 2014 when I was a first year law student graduating feels like a very far journey, like I won't even bother thinking about it since surviving my law papers was my main intention. In fact there are some days where I feel so demotivated with myself and wonder whether am I going to graduate from this? Can I ever graduate actually? But you see, if you trust yourself and put efforts in what you're doing, everything will be fine.

I remember burning the midnight oil for the sake of law of torts and law of contracts, at that moment those two subjects were like the killer papers. Macam like the hardest ever for a first semester student. Then I move forward and you know started my land law and feels like omg this is ridiculous, I can't understand a thing. Then you know, every time you upgrade yourself to another semester, you discover that the subjects keep getting tougher and at one point, I don't even think which one is harder than the other because all the subjects were hard. Like I can't choose, everything was challenging on their own way. Now, I'm in my final year and even my final semester every time I saw the fellow juniors carrying their torts or contracts book, I'll be like 'aww these kids are so lucky. Enjoy your honeymoon before you guys masuk your llb'. 

Of course I do feel sad about living law school. I'd spent the end of my teen until the early of my 20s here, I do feel attached to this. I don't know how I'm going to end up out there, I don't know what kind of lawyer I'm going to be in the future but I hope I'll a good one. Hopefully, I won't be that one alumni yang malukan faculty sendiri because if you're in your final year, that is one of the thing that the lecturers will always advise you on. Never embarrass the faculty. However even though ada lagi two weeks of classes, the workload still so banyak. I still have few tests, assignments, trials and presentations to be completed before raya. So pray for me guys. I feel nervous because the time is super limited but I want to be positive about this. I keep telling myself its okay liyana you can do this. You can bear the stress, handling the stress and pressure is part of your life anyway hahaha. That's what I've been doing the last few years kan. You did fine for the last 4 years, you're going to do the same lagi 2 minggu ni kan?

I guess I should end this because I need to do my work. I have to submit an assignment tomorrow. My life is so freaking fun right? 



Thursday, 1 June 2017

Confused me


These days I feel like I can't understand my heart anymore. Like for one moment, I feel like yes I do like this guy in front of me and the next two seconds, I'll be like meh I don't think I'm okay with him. It is quite confusing when your heart changes so fast and you're not even sure whether you should stick to this, go with the flow and decide later or just say it straight on the face about your feelings. I mean I'm not mad with my heart for being so hmm inconsistent because only God knows how crazy life has been and how hectic it must be for this little organ to bear the everything since the last 23 years. I don't blame myself either for my super fast changing feelings/perceptions because  the main reason for that to happen is because I've been through so many shitty things before. I'm not saying all I've been through were dark clouds and shitty history only, of course there's a lot of good memories as well but you know they say, you only remember the bad time. Guess its true lol. So yeah, I'm not going to write in detail about this for now because I am so sleepy. Time to sleep. 

Goodnight.

Tuesday, 9 May 2017

"I can't be the only one struggling right?"



So the last few days, some of my friends came to me and opened up about their problems or struggles. Honestly, I wasn't sure what to advise them on because me myself have tons of problems to begin with, but I think they kind of know that I can't provide exact solutions to their issues and they just want me to be there as a listener. Listening to their stories made me realize that actually I wasn't the only one struggling all these while. I mean we are all humans and we can't be happy all the time right? Everyone has their own so called bad days in this life. I always hate myself for being extra sensitive or a cry baby but it turns out that I was perfectly normal.

If I am to list out the struggling moments of my life hmm that would be a lot (23 years of pain hahahaha) but the one that I can clearly recalled would be last semester, when I was in semester 7 of LLB. Not exactly through out the whole semester, just few particular period only sebenarnya. During that particular period, I was pretty stressed with myself, my work, the environment I was in and pretty much everything in general. There were days where I really hate my life. I know that I might not lead an amazing or super interesting life before but I'd never consider it as a 'bad' one. Never until last semester. I can't precisely state what caused me to be in that state, the triggering factors were many and all mixed up together but it's okay those bad time had passed anyway. 

So I remember that I used to cry in the car alone few times after classes when I'm driving home (actually not few almost every freaking day), I felt like I have no one to turns to, the work loads assignments, tests, files were like so banyak, I didn't have faith in myself, I felt like I was the stupidest person in the world, I felt unattractive and basically all the bad things one can imagine.  I don't like to do work last minute because I will get super stressed but you know when you just had two many things to juggle within limited time, you cannot avoid from being last minute. And I'm not the kind of person who will go and share my problems with people, mostly if they didn't asked me first, I won't be making the move. So yeah when you pent everything inside, it kills you. I remember coming home and feeling lifeless, crying in the bathroom and all. Those were the worst period of my life. I wasn't happy.

Eventually, things get better. I'm in my last semester (8th semester) now and looking back I realize that nahhh things weren't that bad actually. I'm glad that at least I'd struggled few times in life at least those experiences mend me into a better person and I won't be who I am today without those bad days.

I'm not sure what is the best advice I can give to anyone who's struggling or going through their bad days but for sure, storms don't last forever and everything will be okay. I'm not sure whether this is helpful or not but trust me when I say time will heal everything. All these bad days will one day turns out to be a good laugh for you.  

Keep calm and wait for the rainbow :)

p/s: Wow, can't believe that I can be this positive. Impressive hahahahahahahahahaha.




Thursday, 4 May 2017

Love and Feelings



Most of the time, I try to avoid the topic of love or feelings in general because I’m afraid that I might be judged or labeled by some people around me. I mean I do talk about love and how I felt about certain guys with few of my close friends but nowadays since we’re all busy and have other priorities, the topic didn’t slip our mouths as often as they used to be.


But I decided that today should be an exception, and I’m planning to write about this, how I actually feel about this, just my feelings in general. So I’m 23 years old and I’m single. You might not believe this but I've been single through out my school life and degree life (kesian hahaha I was a nerd) and my one and only relationship was when I was 18 and that was years ago. So don't asked me how my ex boyfriend was, I'm not going to talk about that and honestly I was very young back then I'm not sure what I was thinking haihhh. Plus, it was a long distance relationship and the period was not that long for me to brag about it or whatever. So, let's just skip that part please.


Being single at this age is not that bad, but it's not that welcoming either. In my case probably because I never put this as my top priority, I find that living without a boyfriend is actually quite okay. In fact, I have a lot of fun exploring new things thanks to the joyful and supportive friends I made in university. So, yes my life is not as lifeless as you thought it would be okay? However, on some days you might feel lonely and that's when you will realize that 'omg I'm still single, WTF!'.  Hahhahaha. But generally speaking, those thoughts didn't come often. I usually felt so when I'm hungry and freaking bored but my friends are too busy with their life to teman-ing me keluar but other than that, life is quite fine. 

Anyway, the most annoying part about being single at this age is when I open up and state my status, everyone give me this ‘shocking’ look like omg girl, are you serious? Some people thought I'm lonely and I have to explain myself like no offense but I'm okay. Some are kind enough to give encouragements ‘Nahhh, don’t worry the right guy will come soon’ (I hope so) and some can’t help themselves but asking me why am I still single/alone, it's okay some people are always more curious than the others right? But the most frustrating respond I get all the time is ‘You’re single because you’re too choosy or too demanding’.


I don’t think that I’m being super demanding. I realize that I’m just a normal girl and I’m not in the position where I can ask for crazy things like a prince with extremely handsome face, big cars, a castle or hantaran satu juta anyway. And I think I’m not that picky with looks either, of course if possible I want to find a decent looking guy but not to the extend where you have to be as handsome as Leonardo Decaprio or Brad Pitt. I think as long as ‘sedap mata memandang’ should be enough (I’m not that pretty to begin with anyway).


I think my standards when I’m considering a guy has always been the same since I can remember. He needs to be trustworthy, understanding, kind and hardworking. What I want in a guy has never been about his look (or his money). In fact when I'm considering a guy, I always minus away these two traits and just consider other factors he can offer me? Is he kind enough? Can we be good friends? Can he bear my roller coaster moods? Can I trust this guy? Trust is a very important issue and I am a very busy person. Even if I'm not busy, I'll pretend like one hahaha. Also, I have this perangai where most of the time, I try not to contact people first because I’m afraid that I might annoy them but when people texted me first, I’m all good. Yeah I need to find someone who’s okay to handle my unnecessary self issues.

If I have to be honest, I don’t even know the exact reasons of my single-ness. Maybe I wasn't really looking for one, I mean finding the guy has never been a priority for me, like I want to have a partner but at the same time, I'm still okay if I don't have one. I always put other things above it be it my education, my classes, my family and my friends. Sometimes I feel bad about it but nowadays I realize that in the end it depends on your goals in life. The ultimate goals for some people are  to build happy families, have children, and vice versa. In my case, I always wanted to become a lady with career. I cherish intelligence and hard work. My aim in life is to establish my own name, become a successful and good lawyer to the society and myself, make money, go travel, make my parents proud and etc. Of course if possible I want to be both (a family person and a career kind of person) but at this moment, or at least at this age I would prefer the latter. But well who knows if suddenly out of nowhere I find the right guy, these might change depending on the situation I'm in. So, should I write; subject to changes? Hahaha. 

I think in some ways I'm so used to being alone that I'm actually afraid to be in a relationship. However, I'm not afraid of love or falling in love because I believe love is a beautiful thing. What scares me most is loving the wrong person and placing my heart into wrong hands. And me being me, I am a hopeless romantic which means if I date a person, the goal is to marry him, build with him and you know, just grow together. I'm not dating a person to pass time, it's not my thing. So yeah to my future husband/partner (whoever you might be), good luck finding/searching for me. I always told myself positive things like maybe we're in different time zone, or maybe I was looking for you at the wrong place and you're looking for me at the wrong time. Maybe we'd passed through each other at the bookstores or malls but we can't recognize each other but I believe one day we'll meet each other; when we're ready.

"Somewhere someone is searching for you in every person they meet".


Here are my favourite love-related quotes, hope you find them as beautiful as I do .












Thursday, 27 April 2017

Chapter 23

I officially turned 23 yesterday yassss!

I'm not extremely happy with the fact that I'm getting older but at the same time, I don't feel bitter or sad about it because I don't know probably I'd  come to the point where I decided to embrace my age? and the fact that every year we're like growing one step further than we used to be, won't change much I guess? Age is just numbers anyway. Well, we can't control the cycle of our age right, its already fated someway somehow we're going to aged but no worries girl, they say we age by experience and memories not by numbers :p

I wasn't sure what I was going to write for this post, am I going to do dedications or am I going to write about the experiences I've been through lately, or maybe I should write about life lessons I'd gained the past 23 years or I don't know, just anything. But I think I'm just going to go with the flow and write whatever I have in my mind.

First of all I guess I can't continue my writing today without stating my gratitude. So yes, thank you for my priceless family and beautiful friends. Everyone I'd come across with the last 23 years play or have their own roles in my life. Some are there as guidance while some exists as lessons, whatever it is I'm just thankful that most of the time, God always blessed with good and kind people around.  I'm going to cherish  most of them for the rest of my life and I'm going to mention some of the names and stories to my children or even grandchildren hahahaha.  I know that I won't be here without all the support and love I'd received from you guys especially my family and most specifically my mum.  

Of course, I have to mention my mum, she's the reason I exists today. She's one of the reasons I'm in law school now which is great, I'm having the time of my life here. I think I mentioned this a lot but still I need to emphasize this again, my mum was super strict with me. I remember when I was a child, if I want something for example a bicycle or anything, I need to work hard and prove that I deserve that. Mostly if I get like top 3 in the class, then I'll get what I want. I really hate that when I was a child because imagine I was super young but I need to make efforts to get something. I wanted things easy like most of my classmates did, they can just say whatever they want and they'll get them in no time. But now I realize that someway somehow I love challenges, I like challenging stuffs. I mean I might complain here and there but I feel this kind of satisfaction when I manage to achieve or fulfill what I want. So yes I realized that nowadays I didn't appreciate things that come easy because they don't feel real. You need to work hard to really appreciate certain things in life. 

Besides, I grew up with this principle where as the eldest I have to do well. If I do well or if I'm successful, my  4 other younger sisters will insyAllah follow by. So I was raised  to carry the responsibilities and yes I'd been scolded a lot of course hahaha I was a super naughty and stubborn child, that's why hahaha. Glad I was born part of my family if not I'll probably being killed by other parents. Or if I have another mother, I'll go crying and fine my Ummi anyway hahaha. 

I used to be super afraid of  my mum (not hate because hate is a strong word I never hate people), but gradually as I grow older I realize that you know our mothers are humans as well. And what they did, all the advice are meant to educate us so that we turned out to be civilized humans. Looking back, I'm just thankful that my mum raised me that way because I don't know what is going to happen to me if she ever being like super lenient with me. I might not be who I am today. or I might ended up as super spoil brat I don't know.  I'd come across people who have super bad attitude, no common sense at all, no respect  and tolerance towards other people, I'm just thankful for my upbringing because so many people are pretty messed up.

 I used to tell myself "Oh I'm not going to be my mum, she's like super busy. She has to work and balik lambat and by the time she come home, she's going to take care of us. She's has to do the dishes, she's has to do all the cooking to feed her hungry-all-the-time daughters. I'm not going to be her, I'm not going to live like that". Now I'm an adult I find myself more and more, wanting to become my mother. I wish to be a woman with a good and established career but at the same time still be able to have a happy and good family. I used to say that I don't want to be like my mum because she gives everything to us to the extend I feel like she keeps nothing for herself but now I realize that all mothers do and feel the same. They give everything to their children, they are left with none but they're okay because their children's happiness are part of them. Sama lah, if kita berjaya they feel like they're the one who had succeeded pursuing their dreams. All parents are willing to give everything to ensure happiness of their children. 

Ummi, thank you for your endless scoldings and pure advice, I won't make it this far without you. I'm 23 now and all your scoldings feel like tender rituals now hahahaha.  Anyway thank you for being strict with me especially when it comes to my studies or my future,  I just want you to know that you deserve everything the world can offer and I really hope that Allah will blessed you for everything you'd done for me.  I can't imagine where I'll be without the support from my family probably stranded somewhere in the middle of the road wondering what the heck am I doing, or maybe  I might not be doing law,  I might stuck with other  courses, who knows. 

I guess I have to end my 23th birthday post here because its already 1am and I have to sleep, I have an event to handle tomorrow hahaha. Again, thank you for all the warm wishes I might not be able to respond to each and every one of them attentively but deep inside I'm just super grateful. Hanya Allah yang mampu balas everything. And yass before I end this, I need to congratulate me myself and I because I think I deserve that at least. I know that we (talking to myself) been through a lot, we'd cried a lot too hahaha can't deny that we can be super emotional sometimes. Sometimes we have to push ourselves to the limit, sometimes we have to do things that we hate, sometimes we feel like giving up but we just can't, sometimes we feel suffocated because we can't really say what we really want. Whatever it is girl, you've done a great job. You should be proud of yourself, you have come this far! And I know you're going to a lot of  great, amazing and cool things later in the future! We can do this :)

Me and my mum, picture was taken in 2014.

Saturday, 1 April 2017

Okay me

Hello guys,

Today I'm so excited because it's finally weekend and I just had my dinner with my auntie and her kids, everything is doing pretty well today Alhamdulillah. I'm writing this upstairs, all alone in my room and the atmosphere is quite welcoming. Its raining outside and yass I love the smell and sound of the rain. Fortunately the kids are not disturbing me tonight hahaha probably because I told them I wanted to do some work so yeah you all better give kak long some space people. I'm supposed to do my work but here I am updating my blog, legit. Okay for once, let's not talk about priorities, or all the complicated serious stuffs and let me enjoy my me-time for now.

I know the last two or three posts were kind of short and serious, really? Serious? Not sure about that but I had quite a tough time trying to heal myself from all the headache. I think I'm okay now and hopefully everything will be better, InsyaAllah. So some of my friends who read my previous two posts asked me whether I really wrote those two posts. Guys, I did write them yess I did come on! Hahaha. They thought those were not from me because they're like too short for a Liyana? Lol. I know I'm the type yang akan tulis like extra long entry to extend people malas nak baca but hey I can write short as well. Usually, I write better and longer when I'm in a good mood and vice versa. If I have a lot of things going on in mind, I can't write that well because I don't know I guess I want to stay true to myself but I kind of hate the situation/thing or person so the fact that I have to limit myself and restrain myself from being me lead me to write shorter? What am I trying to say? Hahaha.

Okay as I don't really have anything to say, I'm not sure the purpose of this entry at the first place? I don't have anything much to say, I'm in a good mood, I'm not hungry, my feelings are okay, I just talked to my mum this evening so yeah I guess I'm all good for now. Probably the purpose of this entry is to let you guys know that I'm doing okay and fine. Okay, that's all (better end this fast!)

Thursday, 30 March 2017

Rise & Slay

Today marks the day I return home to myself.

If I've learned anything in life, that should be to know your worth. Girl, you need to know that you're already perfect, you're doing fine and you worth more than a hopeless guy.  I think I should ask myself why the heck am I spending my time worrying and caring for a man who made it obvious with his actions that he didn't want me? Why I kept trying to make this work while on the other hand, he's not making any effort for me? Why am I trying to make things work when it's pretty obvious that I can't see any future of us together? Why am I making excuses for him; oh maybe he's busy, maybe he's spending time with his family. Why does it took me so long to realize that I deserve someone better? I always say this but here it goes again; someone's effort is a reflection of their interest in you and yes for that reason I know the answer to this. I should stop.

My heart told me to stop wasting my time and I kinda agree with that. Never make someone your priority if you remain their option. I realize that I have to keep moving, or else I might miss the train to bigger things in life than this. Again, why bother wasting your time at the first place? Girl, you deserve better.

"You were enough. Maybe you were too much, maybe he prefers less and you deserve more".

Sunday, 26 March 2017

Compliments

Generally if I have to be honest, yes it's nice to be told you're pretty, beautiful or whatever, but I'd like to hear other things as well, that I have a good personality, they're happy with my existence, my personality suit theirs, they love the fact of me being myself, they find my presence and abilities make things easier/bearable or anything, just other things outside the skeptical cliche things people usually point out. Of course I'm thankful with all the compliments I'd received so far including the one regarding how I look but you know sometimes you just want to hear honest opinions on matters other than your appearance. Compliments may not always be about appearance right?

Disclaimer: I'm not saying I'm pretty whatsoever, I know I can never fit that 'beautiful' category anyway tapi lantak lah, I just feel like writing about this because these days I hear some many people complimenting about looks. It seems like to some people, appearance is the only way to compliment others?


'Look at her, she's so full of herself, I bet people were joking when they complimented her hahaha'- save that hate for tomorrow please, love ya.

Sunday, 12 February 2017

My Law School Experience (UiTM) : Why do you choose law?

Guys I think it's time, yup this is it. I think this is the best time for me to share with you guys my experience in law school, what I've been through the last four years in this course, how I feel about doing law and other important stuffs that in my opinion, might be beneficial to you people especially if you're in your first semester and you'd just entered law school or maybe you had not yet entered into one but you're really interested to do law. Actually I received a lot emails from you guys asking about my experience doing law especially from the high school graduates who're interested to be in this course, I did reply to some of you guys. However, I'm really sorry that lately I did not respond much because I have a lot of stuffs to do which require most of my attention and I can't find enough spare time to actually sit and reply to each and every one of you asking, but I hope by this post I can clear up if not all, at least some of the questions regarding law school, whether studying law is easy and etc. 


First of all, I would like to make a disclaimer that what I'm going to share with you guys are my experiences and my opinions as a law student per se and of course everyone experience it differently so what I write here might be different with what you'd heard before, or what you'd experienced. It's very possible to have clashes of opinions here and there, that is absolutely normal. Please take note that these are based on my experience of  being in this course particularly in UiTM, so yes if you're in other universities in Malaysia,or you're studying abroad, the things that I'm going to share might not be that applicable to you guys because we have to understand every university has its own way of dealing or managing things (apa aku mengarut ni?)

So I was thinking of making one entry only for this topic but the more I write, I figured out that it is so not possible because to do that because god bless, I can't summarize everything into one simple post (or maybe I can, but the message I'm trying to deliver might not be clear). Thus I think I'm going to write this part by part. Let's consider this the first part shall we? InsyaAllah I'm going to continue with more and more later (if I have time, or the will to do so :p)



The most frequent or staple question that I'd received from people around me as well as my readers is; why do you choose law? 

When I was doing my foundation, I got this question a lot. During ice breaking sessions (usually the first few weeks of classes), all the lecturers will asked you the same thing, why are you here? why do you choose to do law? what brings you here? 

To be honest, I grew tired of answering this question because imagine if you hear the same thing over and over again, you became loss and you're not sure what to respond to such question.  I remember in my first class when I was doing my foundation, my lecturer at that time asked each and every one of us to come to the front, state why do we choose to do law as well as to  introduce ourselves (name, where you're from, hobbies and etc) and that was the first time in my life, I wondered why do I choose this out of hundred of courses out there. I remember some of my classmates saying things like "I'm here because I'm not good at math, I'm not good in science, I'm not good in biology, chemistry so I thought maybe I should choose law", some of them claimed that they were not interested to do law but since they got the offer, their parents actually encouraged them to do it, some of them also claimed that law is their last option when they're applying for university and it turns out that they got their last option, lol. I think at that time, some of the answers were quite ridiculous ( I think I gave stupid and absurd answer as well, I think so).

Once I ended my foundation and started my degree, I thought that people will stop asking the question, hell no. People still asked the same thing, your friends will wonder why you're doing this course, your relatives will ask the similar question, your high school teachers will, the uncle sitting next to me while waiting for car wash asked the same thing, the people I met when I was ordering my food did, basically everyone you passed by will asked you the same basic question all the time. I'm in my final year now, InsyaAllah I'm going to graduate by August or September this year but I still get this question though. Thus, I think this question will basically haunt every law student, yup until we graduate. 

I used to neglect or just give a bypass answer when I was asked this question because I'd got it more than 100 times the last 5 years but the more I indulged myself and every time I move forward from one semester to another, I realized the significance of the question. You know when everything gets tough and there's so many things to catch up with limited time, when you thought you'd done your very best you studied more than 12 hours per day and you still got low marks in the test, when you're stressed out and feel like quieting law school, when suddenly you feel like you won't make it-- that's when, your reasons of being here matters. 

Why do you want to do law at the first place? If you're here to have fun and you thought doing law would give you fame and money, you're wrong. Not all lawyers become millionaires, some of them earned enough to have decent life but not like extremely rich or something like Bill gates, especially with our current economy I think we have to be realistic.  If you're here just because you watched legal movies or series such as The Suit or Legally Blonde and you thought it's cool, you're wrong. Being in law school is nothing like the movies make it looks like, or maybe 10 percent similarities and that's it. 

I wanted to become a lawyer or to do law since I was in primary school and yes I was mostly influenced by the movies or books I read about law students or lawyers. Before I enter law school, I thought being a lawyer means you fight  against injustice, you protect those need to be protected and that's it. It seems like a noble job but in the books I read a lot of people hate lawyers, I wondered why? Then I stepped into law school which opened up new perspectives of what this field actually looks like or what lawyers actually do. Also, once I'm here I was trained to think differently compared with the way I used to and honestly the reality is another different story. In law school (at least mine), you'll not be asked about Aristotle's philosophical theory in the first class like the movie Legally Blonde. In the end, we put so much efforts and study like crazy to get a B, not an A (or maybe you can get an A if you're smart :)

So, what I'm trying to say is if you want to be in law school, ask yourself whether you really want this?If you're not passionate with what you're doing i.e you're not sure whether you really want that degree, the chances of you making it is low. This is because I see average people but they really  really want to become a lawyer and they worked extra hard than others, they make it ( This goes along with my fav ever quote: Your efforts will never betray you). At the same time, I see smart people those who you know that they're good just by the way the portray themselves, the way they carry themselves, some of them get an straight A plus in their SPM but they didn't make it. One is of course, everything is part of God's plan (we can never deny this) but another thing is because they're not sure what they're doing and what they want.  

However if you're in law school now but you haven't figured out your purpose, don't worry. You will, of course  with your own efforts,  the right time will come and you'll figured out the answers you've been searching for. Believe me if you keep on working hard, you will. I'd figured out mine when I was in the middle of my degree as well, so yes I don't have it along the way since the beginning. I mean yes I want to do law since I was young but I don't have specific reasons why I'm interested to do it. I figured out my passion in the Jurisprudence class when I was in semester 4 or 5 I think. Since that day, everything in my life seems easier and I became less stressed and more happy with what I'm doing, like I'm enjoying everything to the fullest. If you haven't don't worry. You will, one day.

Usually when things get tough and challenging, it tested your perseverance and endurance. Most of the time, if you can endure the tough time (the moment where you have to juggle everything tests, presentations, assignments in limited time), you'll survive. I think many of us are in similar position as I do, I'm not a very smart or bright student, I'm just an average student. Sometimes I do well, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I feel like slapping myself in the face for being such a crackhead but I believe if you have endurance and you discipline yourself, you can do everything. That's how I survive law school. I keep telling myself to have faith in whatever I'm doing and always discipline with what you're doing.


If I have to be honest, for me the first two years of law school were the toughest. I know that the subjects were not as tough as you know if you're in your 3rd year or final year but I think probably when you're in first or second year, you're still young, you're thrown to a new environment, you're still in the process of knowing and developing yourself, you haven't discover the right or suitable mode of studying yet so that's when things get messy and you feel like you'd made a wrong choice. However, that is not true. I think if you can endure them, you'll be just fine. 

I think this is the end of my first ever experience-sharing post, I'm going to write more about this topic insyAllah if I have the time for that. I will try to make some time, hopefully. I was thinking of doing something like a vlog, a day as a law student kind of thing but I'm still in doubt about such idea because hahahaha some part of me totally oppose the idea because I think no one is ever going to watch it bla bla bla but another part of me encourage me to do it because who cares if people don't watch it, we 're not here to please people anyway.  I'm not sure whether I will make it, if possible I will but I have to consider a lot of stuffs so let's see about that yaa.












Thursday, 2 February 2017

Single-ness, still


#lifelesson

Okay how am I supposed to begin this?

Actually, I'm actually quite a pessimistic kind of person, by that I mean I have very high expectations on certain things. Hmm maybe not anymore, I'm trying very hard to keep it low these days, mostly because I realized that we can't control everything, and even if we put so much efforts into something if it's not meant to be it will not be. Being a person with too much ambition was hard like "Just work fucking harder" but in the end you still can't make it because there's no joy anymore. Just a life full of stress and depression. I think the past few years, I tried very hard to change myself. And when you did so, the way you see the world is also going to change 180 degrees. As we gain a unique understanding of the situations we're in, the less negativity we allow to set in. I'm also trying very very hard to accept situations or people as they are and stop critizing them so much because hey nobody is ever perfect and before you criticize somebody else, keep in mind that you're also a piece of shit, like you do so many shitty things as well. So lower the standards and live your well, will ya?



Be easy, take your time. You're doing this right.

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

2017

Today marks the 4th day of 2017,

I guess it's not too late to wish everyone Happy New Year! A year has passed people, I hope everyone achieved their 2016 resolutions, wishes, azam whatever you called it. Actually, I'm not really a new-year kind of person or new-year-resolutions type probably because since the last 4 years what I did during new year's eve was actually preparing for my final exam. Yup, our schedule has pretty much ruined my new year celebrations (including 2016). Usually, what I did on for new year was just a very simple celebration, a little countdown on my own (sometimes on my bed sambil makan kacang), watched fireworks from my 7th floor apartment and shouted 'Happy New Year' to myself.  That's all. I'd never get the chance to actually celebrate the last day of that particular year like what youngsters usually do, people mostly go hang out with friends, having fun and watch fireworks with crowd and all. That's not my case because basically the next few days after the new year, I have to sit for a paper so I;m 'forced' and 'obliged' to study all the law thingy. Studying but deep inside, crying hahahaha.

So yeah as mentioned earlier, I'm not really the new-year kind of person but it's actually pretty nice to see people wishing farewell on the last day of the particular year and at the same time making various and numerous new year resolutions. I'm just happy and glad with the fact that most of the people I know is actually pure at heart, even though usually won't show that side of them. On 31st December or early days of January,  most of the instagram posts or tweets that come across my timeline are all about people wanting to become a better version of themselves. They hope they are one step closer to their dreams, they hope 2017 will be full of blessings, happiness and good memories.  Some people wish that the new year will mark a new beginning for them, some even wished good things for other people. Honestly, that is not something that we can see everyday especially in my circle. All we did all year long are probably the same cycle of things (study-assignment-tests-lecturers-eat-boring stuffs), ranting about how stressful our lives are, how mean some lecturers are, how much we hate the food and etc, but when it comes to new year everyone wish for good things and that is something good to read upon, isn't it?

In my case, 2016 was a memorable year.  Of course, there were a lot of ups and downs but it's okay we're bound to experience each and every of them eventually. I think I'd struggled so much, there were days where I thought I might not make it be it studies or life in general, but now I'm happy because I realize the more I struggle, the more I learnt. I'm not going to write in detail what I'd gone through the last 12 months of 2016 because if I do, this post is going to be super long. All I can say is I will cherish all the good lovely memories I've gained and at the same time I hope I'll  slowly forget all the pains, sufferings, heartbreaking moments I'd experience. It's okay whatever it is, like I've mentioned earlier, they are bound to happen anyway, that's how we grow.

Hopefully 2017 will be a better year.





p/s: This year is not an exception. I'm in my middle of exam weeks. Yesterday was my first paper for this 7th semester. Another 3 papers to go, the last paper is on 14th January. Yahoo but not so yahoo because I have the final trial for Criminal Trial and Advocacy on 19th. Only after that, I can finally be at ease. Whatever it is, wish me luck people! Please make dua for me, pleaseee. Thanks :)