Dedicated to everyone who wonders if I'm writing about them. I do.

Thursday, 27 April 2017

Chapter 23

I officially turned 23 yesterday yassss!

I'm not extremely happy with the fact that I'm getting older but at the same time, I don't feel bitter or sad about it because I don't know probably I'd  come to the point where I decided to embrace my age? and the fact that every year we're like growing one step further than we used to be, won't change much I guess? Age is just numbers anyway. Well, we can't control the cycle of our age right, its already fated someway somehow we're going to aged but no worries girl, they say we age by experience and memories not by numbers :p

I wasn't sure what I was going to write for this post, am I going to do dedications or am I going to write about the experiences I've been through lately, or maybe I should write about life lessons I'd gained the past 23 years or I don't know, just anything. But I think I'm just going to go with the flow and write whatever I have in my mind.

First of all I guess I can't continue my writing today without stating my gratitude. So yes, thank you for my priceless family and beautiful friends. Everyone I'd come across with the last 23 years play or have their own roles in my life. Some are there as guidance while some exists as lessons, whatever it is I'm just thankful that most of the time, God always blessed with good and kind people around.  I'm going to cherish  most of them for the rest of my life and I'm going to mention some of the names and stories to my children or even grandchildren hahahaha.  I know that I won't be here without all the support and love I'd received from you guys especially my family and most specifically my mum.  

Of course, I have to mention my mum, she's the reason I exists today. She's one of the reasons I'm in law school now which is great, I'm having the time of my life here. I think I mentioned this a lot but still I need to emphasize this again, my mum was super strict with me. I remember when I was a child, if I want something for example a bicycle or anything, I need to work hard and prove that I deserve that. Mostly if I get like top 3 in the class, then I'll get what I want. I really hate that when I was a child because imagine I was super young but I need to make efforts to get something. I wanted things easy like most of my classmates did, they can just say whatever they want and they'll get them in no time. But now I realize that someway somehow I love challenges, I like challenging stuffs. I mean I might complain here and there but I feel this kind of satisfaction when I manage to achieve or fulfill what I want. So yes I realized that nowadays I didn't appreciate things that come easy because they don't feel real. You need to work hard to really appreciate certain things in life. 

Besides, I grew up with this principle where as the eldest I have to do well. If I do well or if I'm successful, my  4 other younger sisters will insyAllah follow by. So I was raised  to carry the responsibilities and yes I'd been scolded a lot of course hahaha I was a super naughty and stubborn child, that's why hahaha. Glad I was born part of my family if not I'll probably being killed by other parents. Or if I have another mother, I'll go crying and fine my Ummi anyway hahaha. 

I used to be super afraid of  my mum (not hate because hate is a strong word I never hate people), but gradually as I grow older I realize that you know our mothers are humans as well. And what they did, all the advice are meant to educate us so that we turned out to be civilized humans. Looking back, I'm just thankful that my mum raised me that way because I don't know what is going to happen to me if she ever being like super lenient with me. I might not be who I am today. or I might ended up as super spoil brat I don't know.  I'd come across people who have super bad attitude, no common sense at all, no respect  and tolerance towards other people, I'm just thankful for my upbringing because so many people are pretty messed up.

 I used to tell myself "Oh I'm not going to be my mum, she's like super busy. She has to work and balik lambat and by the time she come home, she's going to take care of us. She's has to do the dishes, she's has to do all the cooking to feed her hungry-all-the-time daughters. I'm not going to be her, I'm not going to live like that". Now I'm an adult I find myself more and more, wanting to become my mother. I wish to be a woman with a good and established career but at the same time still be able to have a happy and good family. I used to say that I don't want to be like my mum because she gives everything to us to the extend I feel like she keeps nothing for herself but now I realize that all mothers do and feel the same. They give everything to their children, they are left with none but they're okay because their children's happiness are part of them. Sama lah, if kita berjaya they feel like they're the one who had succeeded pursuing their dreams. All parents are willing to give everything to ensure happiness of their children. 

Ummi, thank you for your endless scoldings and pure advice, I won't make it this far without you. I'm 23 now and all your scoldings feel like tender rituals now hahahaha.  Anyway thank you for being strict with me especially when it comes to my studies or my future,  I just want you to know that you deserve everything the world can offer and I really hope that Allah will blessed you for everything you'd done for me.  I can't imagine where I'll be without the support from my family probably stranded somewhere in the middle of the road wondering what the heck am I doing, or maybe  I might not be doing law,  I might stuck with other  courses, who knows. 

I guess I have to end my 23th birthday post here because its already 1am and I have to sleep, I have an event to handle tomorrow hahaha. Again, thank you for all the warm wishes I might not be able to respond to each and every one of them attentively but deep inside I'm just super grateful. Hanya Allah yang mampu balas everything. And yass before I end this, I need to congratulate me myself and I because I think I deserve that at least. I know that we (talking to myself) been through a lot, we'd cried a lot too hahaha can't deny that we can be super emotional sometimes. Sometimes we have to push ourselves to the limit, sometimes we have to do things that we hate, sometimes we feel like giving up but we just can't, sometimes we feel suffocated because we can't really say what we really want. Whatever it is girl, you've done a great job. You should be proud of yourself, you have come this far! And I know you're going to a lot of  great, amazing and cool things later in the future! We can do this :)

Me and my mum, picture was taken in 2014.

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