Dedicated to everyone who wonders if I'm writing about them. I do.

Thursday, 4 May 2017

Love and Feelings

Most of the time, I try to avoid the topic of love or feelings in general because I’m afraid that I might be judged or labeled by some people around me. I mean I do talk about love and how I felt about certain guys with few of my close friends but nowadays since we’re all busy and have other priorities, the topic didn’t slip our mouths as often as they used to be.

But I decided that today should be an exception, and I’m planning to write about this, how I actually feel about this, just my feelings in general. So I’m 23 years old and I’m single. You might not believe this but I've been single through out my school life and degree life (kesian hahaha I was a nerd) and my one and only relationship was when I was 18 and that was years ago. So don't asked me how my ex boyfriend was, I'm not going to talk about that and honestly I was very young back then I'm not sure what I was thinking haihhh. Plus, it was a long distance relationship and the period was not that long for me to brag about it or whatever. So, let's just skip that part please.

Being single at this age is not that bad, but it's not that welcoming either. In my case probably because I never put this as my top priority, I find that living without a boyfriend is actually quite okay. In fact, I have a lot of fun exploring new things thanks to the joyful and supportive friends I made in university. So, yes my life is not as lifeless as you thought it would be okay? However, on some days you might feel lonely and that's when you will realize that 'omg I'm still single, WTF!'.  Hahhahaha. But generally speaking, those thoughts didn't come often. I usually felt so when I'm hungry and freaking bored but my friends are too busy with their life to teman-ing me keluar but other than that, life is quite fine. 

Anyway, the most annoying part about being single at this age is when I open up and state my status, everyone give me this ‘shocking’ look like omg girl, are you serious? Some people thought I'm lonely and I have to explain myself like no offense but I'm okay. Some are kind enough to give encouragements ‘Nahhh, don’t worry the right guy will come soon’ (I hope so) and some can’t help themselves but asking me why am I still single/alone, it's okay some people are always more curious than the others right? But the most frustrating respond I get all the time is ‘You’re single because you’re too choosy or too demanding’.

I don’t think that I’m being super demanding. I realize that I’m just a normal girl and I’m not in the position where I can ask for crazy things like a prince with extremely handsome face, big cars, a castle or hantaran satu juta anyway. And I think I’m not that picky with looks either, of course if possible I want to find a decent looking guy but not to the extend where you have to be as handsome as Leonardo Decaprio or Brad Pitt. I think as long as ‘sedap mata memandang’ should be enough (I’m not that pretty to begin with anyway).

I think my standards when I’m considering a guy has always been the same since I can remember. He needs to be trustworthy, understanding, kind and hardworking. What I want in a guy has never been about his look (or his money). In fact when I'm considering a guy, I always minus away these two traits and just consider other factors he can offer me? Is he kind enough? Can we be good friends? Can he bear my roller coaster moods? Can I trust this guy? Trust is a very important issue and I am a very busy person. Even if I'm not busy, I'll pretend like one hahaha. Also, I have this perangai where most of the time, I try not to contact people first because I’m afraid that I might annoy them but when people texted me first, I’m all good. Yeah I need to find someone who’s okay to handle my unnecessary self issues.

If I have to be honest, I don’t even know the exact reasons of my single-ness. Maybe I wasn't really looking for one, I mean finding the guy has never been a priority for me, like I want to have a partner but at the same time, I'm still okay if I don't have one. I always put other things above it be it my education, my classes, my family and my friends. Sometimes I feel bad about it but nowadays I realize that in the end it depends on your goals in life. The ultimate goals for some people are  to build happy families, have children, and vice versa. In my case, I always wanted to become a lady with career. I cherish intelligence and hard work. My aim in life is to establish my own name, become a successful and good lawyer to the society and myself, make money, go travel, make my parents proud and etc. Of course if possible I want to be both (a family person and a career kind of person) but at this moment, or at least at this age I would prefer the latter. But well who knows if suddenly out of nowhere I find the right guy, these might change depending on the situation I'm in. So, should I write; subject to changes? Hahaha. 

I think in some ways I'm so used to being alone that I'm actually afraid to be in a relationship. However, I'm not afraid of love or falling in love because I believe love is a beautiful thing. What scares me most is loving the wrong person and placing my heart into wrong hands. And me being me, I am a hopeless romantic which means if I date a person, the goal is to marry him, build with him and you know, just grow together. I'm not dating a person to pass time, it's not my thing. So yeah to my future husband/partner (whoever you might be), good luck finding/searching for me. I always told myself positive things like maybe we're in different time zone, or maybe I was looking for you at the wrong place and you're looking for me at the wrong time. Maybe we'd passed through each other at the bookstores or malls but we can't recognize each other but I believe one day we'll meet each other; when we're ready.

"Somewhere someone is searching for you in every person they meet".

Here are my favourite love-related quotes, hope you find them as beautiful as I do .

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