I thought I was having the time of my life these days, I thought I finally get everything covered. I mean I'm finally done with law school, I managed to secure a place for Chambering before I even end my school, I found a bunch of friends who are so supportive and encouraging I couldn't ask for more, I finally accept the fact that my family might be different (due to the separation) but we are happy in our own way and I found a guy who makes me feel like home. Everything turned out pretty well and I was happy.
I was happy. Yup, I was happy until last night.
Last night was crazy and emotional for me (but I didn't cry trust me)
Last night, I asked him about us because it feels like we're getting distant and I am being ignored. At the same time, these past few days I feel like the only person making efforts to ensure this ship sailing well. My main intention when I asked about it was because I need assertion. I don't want to be this crazy girl who waits for a guy but in the end, the guy left her with nothing. And out of nowhere and suddenly he replied by saying "I can't be with you. I am truly sorry".
Wow, it was that easy. It took one single sentence to end everything, I'm impressed. He didn't even state his reasons. He kept saying 'thats why I told you earlier , before this that I can only touch but not hold this relationship'.Okay I get it but the thing is you won't even try and you gave up so early. Can't you wait kejap? Stupid me, he just won't wait for you girl. He just won't. Now I wonder, it was all a lie, was it? Every single thing you said was plain bullshit.
When he was so certain with his statement, I found my answer. He's not for me. I can't stay with a guy who won't fight for me, who believe that ending things is the best solution for everything.
I'm not the type of person who give up on someone. I cherish every single person who's in my life. If there's something wrong, or you did something you shouldn't be doing, I will get mad. I will get upset but I just need a minute to cool down. I don't leave people, I'll try to hold everything together. And I think that's why it hurts so bad when people leave me.
It's okay it's okay. I won't beg for love, I won't beg for people to stay. I am at this point of my life where I stop giving a damn about everything. I believe if something is bound to happen, it will happen regardless of how we try to stop them. If people wanted to walk away from my life they can do that whenever they feel like so. I no longer going to waste my time worrying about all those stuffs because genuine people will stay, true love will stay. If people really 'ikhlas' to be your friend or to be in your life, they will do all they can to show that they matter, to make their presence significant.
Last night felt like a dream. I even dreamed about it last night, woke up this morning hoping that it was a bad dream. I even checked my phone in case he put his sorry in a better way rather than one simple stupid sentence. Of course, none. Dare to dream, girl. Get a grip please.
However, surprisingly I was expecting myself to be extremely sad or break down which I didn't. Both of us talked about this over the phone and I was calm. I was okay. Maybe I see this coming or maybe I don't want to bother about this anymore. I deserve better.This is just a waste of time and effort.
The thing about love is they always seems uncertain, always feel like hanging. One day you tell another that you like her but another day you tell the opposite. I don't know why but I always consider myself unlucky when it comes to love. Either I had never 'love' enough or there is just no enough love for me out there. That probably explains why every time I see couples holding hands, or sitting together, I look away. Its not that I hate seeing lovers but I have this one question nobody can answer yet; Where's mine?
Don't get me wrong. My life is still as beautiful as it can be. Just because one random dude who decides to back off won't change much. I still have my beloved family and my priceless friends by my side, I'm at ease. I'm not worried. Surely when Allah takes something away from you. He gives you something greater in its place :)
Me today, I'm perfectly fine. I'm okay.