Dedicated to everyone who wonders if I'm writing about them. I do.

Sunday, 10 September 2017

Healing.

To be honest, I had a lot of ample time. I could write if I want to but someway somehow I abstain myself from writing because I don't want myself to write about sad things. I always love writing because I can always write what is in my head, but for after what happened recently, I refused to write what I have in my mind because its so destructive. I know that I should be genuine and I can't have a perfectly happy life all the time but I just hate  the fact that I 'm weak because of what that.

I do want to write whatever I have in my mind, how sad I was, how hard everything was and how much I struggle until I finally found some courage to be myself again but the papers remain empty, the post remain as white as it is. I keep telling myself  'we have move on right. Today is a good day, another opportunity for you to shine' but at the end of the day, I'll sit in the corner of my room wondering whether everything is going to be fine. At one point of my life, I really hate myself because I keep thinking of memories I shouldn't, I keep thinking of people I shouldn't care about.

Someone told me he find himself another girl (either he find himself a new girl or he's always been with the girl all these time but I never know about it) It was pretty shocking, actually I was so shocked. There's no way to explain how mind blowing it was. I was pretty mad with myself because I think I was being stupid. I suffered for nothing. Some of my friends did asked me about the chances of getting back together if he ever ask for, and I totally said no. Never. I always give people a second chance in mostly everything but for this time, I firmly said no. I'd been true to our relationship and ended up behind the bars of betrayal.  I think it was toxic and I will never waste my effort and time for this kind of guy.

Sometimes, I do miss the memories. We have our favourite songs that we used to listen in the car together. After that thing happened, I can't bring myself to listen to the songs at all. I'll turn my radio off, or change the channel.  I'll avoid everything related to the shit, but these days I realize the more I avoid, the harder it gets. One day, I pick up my courage and stick to the song until the end. It was hard and torturing but I felt better. So what? This song had always been my favourite since years ago, way before I met him. It's not my fault this happened and I should stop myself from avoiding stuffs, instead I should embrace it and accept the fact that some people are just too shitty to be in my life. When I was with him, I had always been true of what I like and dislike. I like to keep it real, but then I wonder was he lying all these while? Everything he said was all lies right? 

Everyday I pray to God to make things easier for me. I guess I'm getting better. I won't promised you that this is my last entry of me being heart broken ( I hate this word, or to call myself heart broken) or sad but all I can say is I'm trying to find all my pieces back. I want to be the old Liyana. I used to be quite positive with everything including people. Now, I'm a bit judging I would say. It's hard for me to open up to new people in case they will left me too. I always give my all so when people leave, it's hard for me to bear everything. I used to be this one girl who will look at the mirror everyday and tell myself "awww you look so pretty today", I am that one girl who puji diri sendiri all the time because I know no one will ever did that to me. These days hmmm I dress so minimal, with less makeup (compared to how I used to do my make up). Its not that I have no one to impress, I never do things to impress people anyway. Its just that I feel demotivated sometimes, but it's okay I'm getting better. Life is quite good so far. I started my chambering (working) and everything is so new and so challenging but I like challenges anyway so I always look up to another day of work. I'll write in detail about my chambering soon!

So, that's it. Since he find himself a new girl, I wish them happiness. I hope he treats her right this time because honestly, no girl should be treated the way I did. I don't want to wish him bad things or karma or whatever because that's so cheap. I'm not jealous with their relationship because honestly, he's just the wrong guy for me. I deserve someone way better than him, someone who compliments me. To all the girls, who had been through the same situation as I did, my advice would be to know your value. If a guy tell you he can't be with you, or refused to be with you anymore. Pack your things and leave. Do not beg because if you are important in his life, he won't be doing that at the first place. You'll be sad, you'll get lonely but that is way better than with the wrong guy. Trust me. 

"Because while you're left with these painful memories, you remember that what he doesn't posses is the power to destroy you".

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